Deal - Comments

I could just tell what was going to happen by the first sentence of the prologue. I mean, from the summary I knew that she was going to become single again, but I didn't think I'd have to read about it. But I feel that since it's the prologue, either it's the first thing that happened that made everything go downhill or it was the ending and last thing that happened, the last tragic thing that would break her heart the worst out of everything that has happened in her life up until this point.

I can only guess that the people at table 25 are Zack and his family, but, of course, I could be wrong. And I really hope that I'm wrong. Well, I'm glad that it isn't Zack, but I suppose this guy is a lot worse, even if we really don't know why or what he's done.

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Jason was only about my height and just about as muscular as I was – so, not muscular at all. Along with being small and lanky, he had the face of a fifteen year old boy, young and lacking even the hint of facial hair.

I think this is my favorite description out of the second (third?) chapter. It made me laugh.

Ahh, I can see why she doesn't like Lucas. Just reading about him leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But I do wonder why they requested her table. But hey, at least the other two guys didn't seem much trouble, they seemed a lot nicer than Lucas, that's for sure.

I can already tell you that I really like this story! I've subscribed to it just to see what happens in the other chapters, and any chapter yet to come.

The summary basically drew me in instantaneously because I already felt like some serious saucy stuff was gonna go down! Okay I'm gonna break down the comment into chapter by chapter!

Your description already is wonderful, I can tell you're a fantastic writer. It was interesting the way you put small memories into descriptions, like how they'd adopt a dog someday, or their dreams of meeting for lunch. It's so realistic and down to earth that it makes me believe in the characters. And the way that you describe something as dreary as a work shift waiting tables, somehow adds to the character and what kind of person they are.

You really brought Lucas in with a bang too! It was awesome! Your description of him already spells out how I'm supposed to feel about him and what we're meant to think. Anyway, just a last thought that your characters have so much personality, it's wonderful!

I really, really like this! The way you write is really engaging and concise, and I'm really glad you took the time to set up the premise of this story in a few chapters rather than just pushing the groundwork aside and moving straight on to the progression. I think you have a lot of nice loose ends hanging around this story that I will be interested to see resolved. I'll also be interested to see how Camille is rounded out as a character - I feel like you're drawing her out slowly and I like that. This story is opening up like a flower, and I hope you keep those layers going throughout.

Great job! I did spot one or two punctuation errors and typos, but that's nothing a good edit or a second proofreader can't fix. Overall, I'm really enjoying this! I've subscribed, and I'm looking forward to future updates!

I love your summary. It's meaty and includes enough information to pull me in. The layout is also quite lovely which helped draw me in even more.

Prologue:
Fearing their penetrating power, my attention immediate fell to the hardwood floor. Instead of immediate it should say immediately.
What a powerful prologue, though. I love your word choices and how everything flowed in this. I can feel her heartbreak.

Chapter One:
I love how well this chapter flows. I haven't seen any mistakes thus far and I really enjoy that. Your description is absolutely lovely and I love Camille and Rylee's interactions, especially the fact that the latter is a motherly figure toward Camille. It's really sweet to see and I hope nothing happens between Cam and Rylee.

As my mind raised, I strut toward the staircase that led to the lower level of The Loft, which the bar occupied. I'm assuming you meant raced instead of raised?

Uh oh, I really want to see how Lucas and Camille seeing one another again does. I also can't wait to read more background information on him!

I'll definitely be reading the rest of this. As I said above, I love your descriptions and how natural Camille is- especially her dialogue with others. You do have a few mistakes scattered about, but nothing that detracted from the story.

Comment Swap
Layout: I really like the business deal handshake banner you have going on. That is something you don’t see every day. Or at least, I don’t. I love the colors in the background image. It’s subdued nicely.

Chapter One: This pulled me in from the first line. I love that she knows exactly what is happening, what she is about to lose, and she just stands there trying to prepare herself only to fall apart in the last sentence. Which by the way is my favorite line. And I flew out the door, tears streaming down my face, sobbing my finally goodbye to my almost-perfect life forever.

Chapter Two: There is a very small part in chapter two where I think you meant another word, and you switched from past to present tense. As my mind raised, I strut toward the staircase I think you mean raced. and strut should be strutted. I also think you missed a word in the line this man who the devil himself maybe try this man who was the devil himself? Other than that I like this chapter. I know Rylee; I have that friend but she’s amazing. I love the moment when everyone stops after she hits the table with an ‘oaf’. And the build up to Lucas Fuller’s name had my heart racing. Favorite line: “Who does Rylee even like enough to provoke that?”

Chapter Three: Favorite line: He was like the George Clooney of our little town and generation, except less special. I laughed way to hard at that line. This was a brilliant chapter. I can seriously fall into the shoes of your character Camille so easily with her anger. I love how feisty she is, and that response she gave Lucas. I think I smiled from beginning to end, so this is by far my favorite chapter so far.

Chapter Four: There is one too many suddenly(s) in the line Then, even more suddenly, he was suddenly standing. Eye should be eyes in this line I thought, laying back on my pool bed and closed my eye. I couldn’t pick one favorite line because I had a favorite paragraph, but I love this scene, I’d gulped, but made no move to lose my ground. Instead, I had pushed forward, meeting his dark eyes with a glare of my own, so close to him our noses had nearly touched. Your descriptions are very well written and paints the scene beautifully.

Chapter Five: I think up front would read better than out front in this line Might as well give him what he’s looking for out front. Take out the myself on the end of this sentence an idea popped into my head and I found myself grinning myself. . There are a lot of little typos in this chapter like that, but they’re mostly easy to ignore, I only pointed out those two because they’re the being ones staring me in the face. And this sentence is awkward he took his hand in mine. My favorite line of this chapter was “Does he like you?” He’d ask, and my grimace alone was enough of an answer for him and he’d laugh before returning to his own customers. Mason makes everything better. He’s just that chill dude you want to hang out with all the time.

Overall, I think you have a great story. I love the drama that’s building, and you have more than a few moments in Camille’s future running wild through my imagination. I’m subscribing just because of the tension between Camille and Lucas. Keep up the great writing; I can’t wait for more.

Comment swap! To start with a lame comment on the layout (I know people do not like those, but I am a visual person!) I really love the way it looks. Very soothing to the eye and good during reading, nothing too distracting. The summary is very well written and complete. It stirrs the curiosity for what kind of deal she made. I think this is a original twist on a starting fresh story. I'm very excited to continue reading!

Prologue: you start off brilliantly. I think anyone who once been in a crashing relationship understands the reaction to the words 'we need to talk'. In that aspect you really throw the reader right into the story. I like that. I like being a part of it and your descriptions make me feel I can look around me and see the story unfolding. little side note (and this is just me picking at the smallest errors I can find): try not to use 'I found myself' too much after one another. (I use thesaurus all the time).

Chapter 4: Although I feel weird skipping your other chapters I will comment on this one because you asked for it. The start is definitely different, her being on a pink float with a cocktail in her hands. I have the feeling this deal might be a good thing. The conversation in this chapter is very good, as though it really happens, its natural. All in all, this is just a good story and when I read things like this I wish I was co-writing with you

your writing overall is just precious. It has the same feel of a lot of novels that are printed right now. So I cannot say anything bad about it (not that I want too either)

I like that you started the story with Camille's life falling apart and having to rebuild it from basically nothing. It gives it an interesting vibe and makes Camille really relateable. I love how quirky and confident she is, and how her personality is really consistent throughout (what I read of) the story. A lot of times characters are kind of just witty and interesting when they need to be, but that's just who she is and I really appreciate that. I also like the idea of the deal, it's an interesting spin on "seeing someone you used to hate from high school" and I like that you didn't just go with Lucas being like "oh I want in love with you and just didn't know how to show it" Your character interactions are well written and it makes me curious to see how Camille and Lucas' relationship will progress.

One thing I noticed just overall was that sometimes some of your sentences can be really long, which kind of breaks up the flow of the chapters. You had a nice variety of sentence lengths and what not, and then all of a sudden there'd be one super long sentence with a ton of commas.

A couple more nitpicky things:
Prologue:
Our eyes bore so far deep into each other’s, it was as if we were seeing passed what was right in front of us, passed this situation.
I think that "passed" here should be "past", but I'm not 100% sure I wasn't going to mention it but it was bothering me so I thought I'd point it out in case I happen to be right.

Chapter 4:
not to mention the hearts’ of many other of my friends over the course of the last few years
"hearts" doesn't need the apostrophe after it.

“Not ‘buts’,” he scolded, leaning back against the bar.
I'm thinking "not" should be "no"?

But yes, I'm really enjoying this story so far, and I'm definitely planning on going back and reading the couple chapters in-between. Hope you update soon!

I hope you update really soon!

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I love this story. It's nicely written and it definitely makes me want to read more. Please update soon!!! :)

God that was awfully sad - I could almost feel my heart break alongside Camille's. I'm curious as to why he broke up with her - in such a nasty way! I really hope there's a bit of happiness in her life. But so far, this is so amazing, I really like it. I cannot wait for more.

This is so sad! But why did Zack break up with her? Like what happened to them on the day everything went to pieces? Poor Camille. :( I hope she'll find some sort of happiness in the aftermath of this nasty break up.

The bitter taste I have in my mouth is just as pleasant as it is unpleasant. So that's something. I can't wait for the next chapter. I just want to know more about her.

Your descriptions are just flawless, the flow is wonderful. You're such a great writer, that it doesn't surprise me that you've gotten comments before you even posted the prologue!

Update this again soon

Okay, I'm basically dying to read this now.

I agree everyone else, this summary has me intrigued and I want to know what caused everything to go so badly for Camille. And how did she think of her old classmate and what is their deal? I also love the layout. I'm definitely going to recc and subscribe to this. :)

You do write very poetically, and that makes for a very pleasant read, easy on the eyes and the mind.

There isn't too much detail, but just enough to put a picture in your head.

At first, I wasn't sure what the story was going to be about, but by the end of the summary I was starting to feel bad for her, and then the very ending had me hooked. I really want to know who this old classmate is, what kind of deal she's making with him, what the fight with her friends was about and why her relationship ended.

There are just enough questions with no answers, which makes me want to read more. I'm looking forward to the first chapter!

Ooh, this has definitely caught my attention. I will be coming back for more (and to comment on the actual story, haha).

This actually sounds like it's going to be amazing. It definitely has a lot of potential and I hope you do decide to do something with it. I'm definitely going to subscribe in case you do.