Secrets - Comments

Thanks guys. And Katie, she isn't exactly an emotional character but she'll make progress as time goes on. Making her emotional means I as the writer should also be emotional which isn't easy most times.

I think the premise of this story is good, but the writing made it somewhat difficult to read. It felt like there was an overload of dialogue, particularly in the first chapter, and a lot of it seemed like it was unnecessary to understanding the story. However, I do think you created an interesting character in Malia. I particularly enjoyed her backstory, as farm life has always been something that interested me. I think that you could really benefit from developing her character more, perhaps by showing more emotion from her. For example, in her conversation with Rose, it would have been nice to see a little more of the relationship between the two of them in the way they speak to one another instead of just the back and forth about what the blonde girl looks like. This story needs some work, but with a little attention, I think it could be great!

The first chapter is very enticing. You started with such a powerful, eye catching sentence that draws your readers in with no hesitation and you end in a cliffhanger that makes someone automatically want to continue on to the second chapter. One thing I must give advice on is your paragraph spacing. Everything in the first chapter is sort of bunched up which is what I had done with my stories until someone mentioned it to me. Maybe, go back and add an extra space between the paragraphs. I think you are off to a really good start otherwise. (:

Thank you. It might take a while before you know who 'He' is because I don't really know myself but it's in progress.

I absolutely love the first line of the first chapter. It gives me the impression that the story is going to be sort of like a fairy tale, which just by reading the summary, it might be. I mean, it may start out with a normal girl in a normal life, but that will change, and I feel like it'll change quickly.

I just want to say that I love the idea of farmers. I know it's a lot of hard work, harder than I can ever dream of, but I still love them. They work so hard for themselves and their families. What I'm trying to say is that I love the idea of this family because I don't usually read stories where the family are farmers; this is probably the first story I have read where they come from farmer families. I think that's what instantly drew me to the story in the first place.

What I like about the first chapter is how much information was packed into the chapter - there was stuff about the family, with a brief little description of what they do around the farm, the nobles and why Malia doesn't usually like them, what mischief she causes when no one is looking, and more. There wasn't too much description in the chapter, but I think the dialogue made up for that since there was so much of it and it explained so much. The cliffhanger at the end of the chapter was crazy and exciting and just made me want to know more.

And I didn't get much answers from the second chapter. I don't know who He is and what happened in the first six years of her life and why they want her killed. There are just so many mysteries in the first two chapters alone to keep me interested.

I have noticed a few mistakes within the chapters, grammar wise, and like insufferable; said, there needs to be more spacing in between the paragraphs, but it didn't bother me that much. If you ever need any help with editing or whatever, I am willing to help since you did mention you want to edit it again.

Anyway, I've bookmarked this story so I can read it later just to see what happens in the other chapters.

Thanks and I know. I used a small phone when I wrote the story and the space just wasn't enough. But I already planned to edit it once I have something better and now I do.

The summary captured my attention well enough, however you need to put two spaces after every period and one after every comma.

Chapter One:
I could not get into this story simply because you didn't space any of your paragraphs. Please refer to Mibba's Guidelines to figure out what you need to do. Honestly, if you spaced things out and gave this story a quick edit, this story would be golden, however it's hard to actually pay attention to.