Hands - Comments

I've haven't watched The 100, but this drabble was beautifully written. The layout is gorgeous and really caught my eye when I first saw it.

I enjoyed the In. Out. In. Out. parts because I think it really pointed out how quick things were happening. The description in this was amazing, and I think you really painted out the scene. I especially love the last thought in italics. Overall, you did an amazing job!

I just watched the episode with the whole Finn telling Clarke he loved her and her just being like "I'm sorry" so this was the perfect time to read this drabble!

I really liked the repeating lines between each paragraph. I think they really helped to set a pace for the drabble and I felt myself breathing along with him which was pretty cool.

The only thing I noticed:
"I'm here, Finn." The way she said his name lulled his panicked heartbeat into the calm.
The "into the calm" part sounded awkward to me.

Other than that, I think you did an amazing job! I hope you write more Finn things in the future because he's such a sweetie

Haha there's no need to thank me! I'm just a freak about grammar. I'm really glad I could be helpful though, since the point of the comment swap was a helpful, honest comment

@ beautiful monotony
I don't even know what I was doing with the "In. Out. In. Out." other than trying to create a pace like, these thoughts flow quickly, everything is in a few breaths. That's an interesting idea you had! I probably would have made it longer, but with drabbles I try to stay as close to the original 100 as I can. (hehe, funny cause, this character is from The 100) Thanks for the comma thing. I'm really good at editing, but those technical terms are something that never, ever stuck with me so I wasn't sure that line needed a comma. You're amazing!

@ Artist Vs. Poet
Thank you very much for your kind words!

Okay, here I am! Like you, I'm going to write this as I'm going along.

I like the layout; it kind of has this ominous, spooky feel to it while somehow also being pretty at the same instant. The summary definitely has me intrigued. I don't know if it's actually going to have to do something with the story, or if it's just something to do with the character at this point, but it leaves you wondering and wanting to check out the story. It also sort of gives you an idea of what the title of the story means as well, which is nice.

Okay, on to the story! My first impression without even having read anything is... wow. I'm going to be honest here. When you said that the story was about 150 words, I'm not sure my mind quite processed what 150 words was. It's just... so short. I'm kind of blindsided, but that might be because 150 words is such a small number... I think it's probably the same amount of words I would use to completely describe what a person looks like, so... Wow. But I am intrigued. I see some repeating lines, so I'm going to go read now xD

Okay, so after reading the second paragraph, I figured out that the "In. Out." was him breathing. Or that's what I'm guessing. I kind of like the rhythm of it... You sort of connect what's going on with him physically to what's going on in his mind. Creating these little gaps and spaces. It gives the story a cool effect. It's also something you probably wouldn't really be able to pull off with a longer story.

Can I make a suggestion about the "In. Out." thing though? You put it twice in between every paragraph, which gives it a steady rhythm, and that's fine, but you could probably... enhance it. It's hard to explain... it's just this thing with how you put words that gives the reader a different feeling. The first time you did it, I imagined these spaces, as if it was difficult to breathe. And that's how they all look. Damn, this is hard to explain. You said in the fourth paragraph that his heart had been panicky, right? Well, you could probably express it in the third paragraph like... Inoutinoutinout or In.Out.In.Out.In.Out. Something of that nature. And maybe the third paragraph only has one "In. Out." Since you said his heartbeat calmed. I guess what I'm suggesting is matching that little phrase to how his heart actually would be beating as the story progresses.

As he faded into another space he was brought back to the blood that covered his hands not too long ago. there should be a comma after "space", since before "space" is a dependent clause and after that word is an independent clause. If I wasn't such a weirdo about grammar, I wouldn't have even noticed it.

All in all, I liked your writing and the emotion you manage to portray in such a short story. I suppose the story would make more sense to me if I actually knew the characters, so this would probably mean more to someone who is also a fan of the characters (wherever they may come from). Therefore, I cannot very well say that I think it should be longer so that I can get to know the characters.

Umm... I'm sorry if anything in this comment insulted you or if I came off as mean at any point. That was not my intention; I promised an honest comment, and that's what I gave to you. I hope it was at least somewhat helpful!

The summary really hit me for some reason. It was so simple but it was so beautiful. the layout is also very well made, very easy to read.

The repeating lines of "In. Out." was a nice touch, I found myself breathing along to the beat of the words.

As for the story line, I think you did grea with telling a story in such a short Drabble. And the last lines got me. How can someone have such an effect if they don't love you back? Beautiful!