January 5th, 2016 at 11:01pm
I think you had an overall good idea about what was going to happen, and I like the interactions between Norman and and Rebecca. But there a few things that I couldn't get past to really enjoy the story, I think.
First of all, the summary on the layout was set out a little strangely and it was hard for me to read it. I'm the kind of person who needs to read a good summary to initially be engrossed in the story, so I suppose that I'm a little bit picky like that, but maybe it might be better to just centre all of the words and even design your layout a little more.
The second thing I wanted to mention was I noticed that sometimes you changed between tenses, so sometimes you would use use present but then sometimes you used past.
Looking past those things, it was overall an enjoyable story and I liked the sweet interactions between them. You also made Rebecca a cool character!
Chapter One:
I really like how you set the story up. Personally I've never seen a story written where the main character is working in a laundromat, so I think that's a cool twist to put on things.
I did notice a change of tense in the beginning. It was hard to ignore so I had to stop and reread the beginning of the paragraph where the tense first changes. I will admit that it is kind of distracting.
He becomes instantly grateful. "Yes, if you could. Harry and Janet aren't going to be around later, some collage thing they have going on." In the sentence, I think you meant college instead of collage.
I loved how excitable Amanda was and I definitely want to find out if she got into the hospital to see Steven.
Ah, no! When the washer started to overflow, I felt so bad for Rebecca. I can't even imagine how embarrassed she must have been!
I really enjoyed the first chapter. Aside from the switching around of tenses and a few grammar and spelling errors here and there, the story flowed super well.