August 7th, 2015 at 07:49am
I like the general idea behind this story. I think everybody that grew up in a school being 'different' in whatever way probably can relate to the idea of bullies completely ganging up on you, and I like that this touches on a very real issue for a lot of people. It is kind of heartbreaking to think that this sort of thing very likely happens in everyday life, so having Alexandria experience that definitely felt very real and awful to me. You instantly feel sorry for her, especially when it comes to people ganging up on her.
In terms of the writing itself, I'd suggest maybe looking at this to develop it more. The description is very simplistic, and in areas it almost seems too bare-bones and more as if you're stating things rather than describing them. The beauty of these types of storyline is that you can go really in-depth into what the character is thinking and feeling every step of the way, which could be something that this piece could utilise really well. It did also seem as if it was a little rushed in areas -- there's a lot on your mind when you're in a state like Alexandria's, so you definitely would need a few moments to calm down and compose yourself before talking to someone about something like video games was even a consideration.
This story definitely has amazing potential, it just needs a little more love! Your morals behind this are good and I love the idea of someone being able to find light in something that's very dark. Nice job!
i'm so unused to zack being a dickface this was such a plot twist
I do like your plot, I think everyone has been bullied to some extent (maybe not quite to the extent as Alexandria was), and can really relate to what's going on. It's a very real issues that I think was great to incorporate into a story. I also think it was interesting that you chose to do a gender swap, this is the first time I've seen that it was a really interesting concept.
Like nearly witches. said, this story has a ton of potential, but it would have been great if there was more description, especially with the emotion. I feel like I would have been able to connect with Alexandria a lot more if you went int more detail with how she was feeling and what she was thinking. Like when you said she was crying, you could go into more detail with exactly what she was thinking and really bring out the emotion in it, if that makes sense. Adding more detail would also help the story to not feel quite as rushed, especially near the end when she was talking to Jack. There was also quite a few typos, especially near the beginning, so watch out for that!
Overall, this really does have a lot of potential and there's a lot you can do with it. Good job, just keep working at it!