June 29th, 2017 at 02:43am
First, I just wanted to point out that this layout is really lovely.
The whole premise of this is just so sad, and I can really relate to it because I've been in a similar situation before so I know those feelings really well.
I like that there's different parts within the story with the dialogue, talking about the therapist, and the lyrics, but it all felt like it flowed together really well. I was almost expecting it to feel a bit disjointed because of how it looked when I skimmed it first, but I was pleasantly surprised with how well it worked. I also really like how you started out with the dialogue and just brought the reader right into the situation. You really added a lot of description in even though the character was technically talking (to the therapist I'm think?) which was really cool.
The only thing was that, even though I could feel some emotion and knew what you were trying to get across, something in the connection felt a little blocked. I felt like there was so much emotion written into the words but for some reason it wasn't quite getting across to me. I think it may have been because the language was sort of formal and it felt kinda rigid maybe? Not entirely sure.
But I thought you did a wonderful job with this!
Okay, I’m not going to lie. I went and read the prequel after I read this because even though you said it could be read as a standalone, I felt like I would find more backstory in the prequel to help me better understand this one. It probably wouldn’t come as a surprise to you when I say that I didn’t. It’s not a bad thing, though. It’s just frustrating for me as someone that wants to know every single detail. Definitely not a flaw, it’s entirely subjective. Really, I liked the vague details about this. You hinted and implied towards something unmistakable with very little.
I was pleasantly surprised with how you maintained a flow with different elements; between the dialogue, the narrative and the lyrics. A lot of the time, incorporating the lyrics into the actual content disrupts everything but you managed to make it work.
The only problem I had was the same as what losing control. said below. Where I did feel some of the sadness and guilt from the main character and fully understood what you were doing, I think the dialogue was a bit too stiff so it created this block. I couldn’t connect wholly to the main character when I really, really wanted to.
I think you did a fantastic job, though!