June 23rd, 2017 at 10:53pm
Eleven:
I like how Amy's mind was basically talking to her. It was a nice touch, honestly.
I was to...weak. to should be too
I was stronger then this, wasn't I? then should be than
...sword that was stick in the ground to keep my balance. stick should be stuck
Twelve:
my body wasn't fullied healed but I refused to lay in bed and be around Wade. fullied should be fully
My arm puled back andy fist hit the bag with a hard blow causing it to move, my other fit came and followed with another blow. It should be pulled, and, fist
Remember that names need to be capitalized.
A scream erupted frombmy throat as my knees hit the floor, they had erased my memories beforeni started working with Wade. It should be from my and before I
I like the little bit of background information you gave.
Thirteen:
He was a guy, staring at ass was one main purpose in life. Yup, sure, totally.
I thought it said above that he wouldn't try to grab her ass because he just didn't do that and because he knew how Amy would respond? I don't understand the thought process.
Fourteen:
You have mistakes riddled throughout this chapter, but I think by now it's obvious that edits need to be made.
Amy's feelings are so sudden and I don't know how to feel about that. This chapter was choppier than the others.
Fifteen:
Once again, this chapter was really choppy. I couldn't really understand what was going on. It went from Amy missing him, to him coming back, the Suicide Squad folder, and then him talking about being pansexual?
Sixteen:
So since Amy is an assassin, is she still planning on getting Deadpool or has all of that been forgotten?
Seventeen:
Why did he call her Ann?
Eighteen:
Ah, okay, so she's still on her mission, but I bet she won't go through with it.
I'm surprised Amy didn't get jealous at the fact that Deadpool had someone else in his life beforehand. You know, like she got jealous and fled when she saw him and another woman together.
I also don't understand why he choked her? Was it because she took the phone? Or was it something else?
Nineteen:
This chapter has a lot of mistakes in it. It also jumped around toward the end and even though I read it a few times, I didn't understand what was going on?
Twenty:
Wait, that was it? There are so many things that haven't been explained/answered?
Honestly, I found that I couldn't get into this. The story lacked description and was very choppy/riddled with mistakes. I understand you wrote most of this on your phone, but that doesn't excuse that fact that you obviously didn't edit your work. I kept getting distracted by all of the mistakes. I didn't see much character development either. Everyone basically stayed they same. There was no growth or anything of the sort. You basically ended the story during the climax of it all.
I see that you continued it, but I probably won't be reading. I wish you the best of luck.
I’m not too familiar with Deadpool outside of the movie, but everyone says that Ryan Reynolds played a good Deadpool so I’m just going to go based off this portrayal. Which, I would say that your Deadpool was in character for that. He’s sarcastic and very over the top, which was definitely how he was in the movie, so it’s good that you got his personality right. I never thought “he wouldn’t say/do that” so that was good. I also liked your female protagonist, Amy, as she also was quirky and sarcastic so she kept up with Wade’s comments pretty easily. In a more threatening manner, but nevertheless. She was an enjoyable character.
One of the things that kept me from really enjoying this story, though, was the overabundance of errors. I know you write on your phone (I would have known that even if you hadn’t said so because on more than one occasion, you had that ‘two words mashed together with a random B in the middle of them instead a space’ error that I’ve done before), but a lot of your errors would be easily caught/fixed if you just read your chapters over. It was distracting and was really taking away from the content. I felt like I was proofreading something for someone rather than reading a ‘polished’ story. The surplus of spelling errors alone was driving me up the wall. Then, additionally, you tend to not capitalize names but then capitalize the most random of words. And you had a lot of grammatical errors, such as mixing up then/than and your/you’re. If it’s not possible or easy for you to read your own chapters over on your phone, I would definitely recommend having someone read and edit mistakes before you post them.
I mean, for example, in chapter seventeen and twenty, Wade called her Ann instead of Amy? If there’s a story behind that, you would have done well to explain it then or have introduced it sooner, but I feel like it was actually just a mistake you didn’t realize you made. It was confusing and distracting for me as a reader.
And as for your writing style and execution, it was choppy and all over the place. I had trouble keeping up with the overall storyline because you jumped around a lot. It took me way too long to find my bearings when the situation would change and even then, I just barely managed before you jumped again. Where I can appreciate the fact that the story is action-packed, I feel like you went way too fast through the arc—which I haven’t totally figured out myself? You essentially went from [here], to [there], back to over [here], and then ended [there] with really no explanation to anything. It went from Amy being undercover, to Suicide Squad and the Joker, to Deadpool and the movie storyline with the introduction of Colossus and Warhead, and then all the sudden, the story is over? I don’t even know if I’m right about all that despite having read all twenty chapters because I was just that lost. I don’t think your ending was a smooth transition to a sequel either, considering everything was one big, haphazard mess.
I feel like I just read your rough draft of the storyline you wanted to follow rather than a full, fleshed-out story.
Overall, I did like the premise of the story and the characters so good job and good luck with the rest.