BlackHeart. - Comments

  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    I’m here to judge for the ‘New or Continued’ contest.

    I’m not too familiar with Deadpool outside of the movie, but everyone says that Ryan Reynolds played a good Deadpool so I’m just going to go based off this portrayal. Which, I would say that your Deadpool was in character for that. He’s sarcastic and very over the top, which was definitely how he was in the movie, so it’s good that you got his personality right. I never thought “he wouldn’t say/do that” so that was good. I also liked your female protagonist, Amy, as she also was quirky and sarcastic so she kept up with Wade’s comments pretty easily. In a more threatening manner, but nevertheless. She was an enjoyable character.

    One of the things that kept me from really enjoying this story, though, was the overabundance of errors. I know you write on your phone (I would have known that even if you hadn’t said so because on more than one occasion, you had that ‘two words mashed together with a random B in the middle of them instead a space’ error that I’ve done before), but a lot of your errors would be easily caught/fixed if you just read your chapters over. It was distracting and was really taking away from the content. I felt like I was proofreading something for someone rather than reading a ‘polished’ story. The surplus of spelling errors alone was driving me up the wall. Then, additionally, you tend to not capitalize names but then capitalize the most random of words. And you had a lot of grammatical errors, such as mixing up then/than and your/you’re. If it’s not possible or easy for you to read your own chapters over on your phone, I would definitely recommend having someone read and edit mistakes before you post them.

    I mean, for example, in chapter seventeen and twenty, Wade called her Ann instead of Amy? If there’s a story behind that, you would have done well to explain it then or have introduced it sooner, but I feel like it was actually just a mistake you didn’t realize you made. It was confusing and distracting for me as a reader.

    And as for your writing style and execution, it was choppy and all over the place. I had trouble keeping up with the overall storyline because you jumped around a lot. It took me way too long to find my bearings when the situation would change and even then, I just barely managed before you jumped again. Where I can appreciate the fact that the story is action-packed, I feel like you went way too fast through the arc—which I haven’t totally figured out myself? You essentially went from [here], to [there], back to over [here], and then ended [there] with really no explanation to anything. It went from Amy being undercover, to Suicide Squad and the Joker, to Deadpool and the movie storyline with the introduction of Colossus and Warhead, and then all the sudden, the story is over? I don’t even know if I’m right about all that despite having read all twenty chapters because I was just that lost. I don’t think your ending was a smooth transition to a sequel either, considering everything was one big, haphazard mess.

    I feel like I just read your rough draft of the storyline you wanted to follow rather than a full, fleshed-out story.

    Overall, I did like the premise of the story and the characters so good job and good luck with the rest.
    June 23rd, 2017 at 10:53pm
  • hangsang.

    hangsang. (210)

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    Eleven:
    I like how Amy's mind was basically talking to her. It was a nice touch, honestly.
    I was to...weak. to should be too
    I was stronger then this, wasn't I? then should be than
    ...sword that was stick in the ground to keep my balance. stick should be stuck

    Twelve:
    my body wasn't fullied healed but I refused to lay in bed and be around Wade. fullied should be fully
    My arm puled back andy fist hit the bag with a hard blow causing it to move, my other fit came and followed with another blow. It should be pulled, and, fist
    Remember that names need to be capitalized.
    A scream erupted frombmy throat as my knees hit the floor, they had erased my memories beforeni started working with Wade. It should be from my and before I
    I like the little bit of background information you gave.

    Thirteen:
    He was a guy, staring at ass was one main purpose in life. Yup, sure, totally.
    I thought it said above that he wouldn't try to grab her ass because he just didn't do that and because he knew how Amy would respond? I don't understand the thought process.

    Fourteen:
    You have mistakes riddled throughout this chapter, but I think by now it's obvious that edits need to be made.
    Amy's feelings are so sudden and I don't know how to feel about that. This chapter was choppier than the others.

    Fifteen:
    Once again, this chapter was really choppy. I couldn't really understand what was going on. It went from Amy missing him, to him coming back, the Suicide Squad folder, and then him talking about being pansexual?

    Sixteen:
    So since Amy is an assassin, is she still planning on getting Deadpool or has all of that been forgotten?

    Seventeen:
    Why did he call her Ann?

    Eighteen:
    Ah, okay, so she's still on her mission, but I bet she won't go through with it.
    I'm surprised Amy didn't get jealous at the fact that Deadpool had someone else in his life beforehand. You know, like she got jealous and fled when she saw him and another woman together.
    I also don't understand why he choked her? Was it because she took the phone? Or was it something else?

    Nineteen:
    This chapter has a lot of mistakes in it. It also jumped around toward the end and even though I read it a few times, I didn't understand what was going on?

    Twenty:
    Wait, that was it? There are so many things that haven't been explained/answered?

    Honestly, I found that I couldn't get into this. The story lacked description and was very choppy/riddled with mistakes. I understand you wrote most of this on your phone, but that doesn't excuse that fact that you obviously didn't edit your work. I kept getting distracted by all of the mistakes. I didn't see much character development either. Everyone basically stayed they same. There was no growth or anything of the sort. You basically ended the story during the climax of it all.

    I see that you continued it, but I probably won't be reading. I wish you the best of luck.
    February 2nd, 2016 at 04:36pm
  • hangsang.

    hangsang. (210)

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    I'm not too familiar with Deadpool and the only information I have on him, I got from Tumblr. I apologize if I get confused by something.

    Summary/Layout:
    The grey font on the black background is very hard on the eyes. And I do really like the summary (though in one of your links you said quite when it should be quiet.

    One:
    There were more than a few places that had awkward wording or words that didn't flow well with the sentences. I definitely think you should go back and edit this chapter.
    I like how you got right to the point with the chapter. It's not too long and not full of information. The fact that Deadpool/Wade seems to be taking the tension off everything is really sweet, though I don't think the female appreciates it too much.

    Two:
    Wade's name needs to be capitalized. A lot is two words instead of one.
    ...a disgust look held... disgust should be disgusted
    I do like how you described the fight. Deadpool is a badass.

    Three:
    The lightning dance across the sky and it should be danced and there needs to be a comma after and
    how worse a large hat and trench coat. this sentence is awkward. What were you trying to say?
    Ah, so I'm assuming she's working for the bad guy? Oh boy.

    Four:
    I could see scaring allong his torso and chest. scarring and along
    Was the only thing I could mumbled mumble
    Woah, wait, where did the Joker come from? Was that the man she was talking to in the last chapter? The mention of him came completely out of left field and I'm not sure how to feel about it.
    My hand quickly reached for the door knob as he took another steo step

    Five:
    I was never on to ask questions, on should be one
    but ask we walked down a ask should be as
    Things seem to be jumping around. I would absolutely love more buildup and description. I'm honestly having a hard time keeping up and it's kind of turning me off from the story.

    Six:
    like knifes being thrown at my body, knifes should be knives
    searching for ways to torcher me. torture
    Finally we get her name.

    Seven:
    Some where tall and fat while others were short and skinny, where needs to be were
    "Take a picture, it last longer." After the word it you need to add will or make it it'll
    Wait. I didn't like that pause. Some description on how she took him down instead of simply jumping would've been less confusing and would have made the chapter flow better as well.

    Eight:
    The cool air allowed me to see my own breathe breath
    how did he get my gun without me knowing. Since this is a question it needs a question mark at the end instead of a period.
    Uh oh, Joker's got her. I'm assuming Deadpool will probably swoop in to save her.

    Nine:
    farther I to the room, into

    Ten:
    his black shoes were right at my nose as I said on the ground. said on the ground? Did you mean laid or sat?
    but before I could move to much a boot was pushing my head into the hard floor beneath me. to should be too
    "Don't worry Amy, your safe." your should be you're
    Remember, a lot is two words, not one.
    puncturing a kung causing me to bleed to death. lung
    I figured Wade would swoop in to save her. She is the damsel after all. Though I don't understand how she was being dramatic? She was just tortured.

    I'm going to end this comment here and finish the other chapters up in another comment.
    February 2nd, 2016 at 03:59pm
  • dawn of light

    dawn of light (100)

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    It took me ages to get to the commenting part of my Hawaiian Giveaway you participated in, but behold it’s finally here!

    By reading the first line in the first chapter, I didn't know what to expect. I WAS WITH HOMEGIRL, LIKE ?????READY FOR WHAT?????

    Deadpool/Wade/Ryan Reynolds (are we thinking of the same movie) omg In Love

    First off, I'm in love with reading some mystery and some action (even though in real life, I can't watch anything like it). Although, I think, I didn't catch the OC’s name, I love her character. She's as quirky, fast paced and fucking badass like Wade tehe

    “Slowly I stood from my spot, the heels of my boots scrapping into the woods beneath.” This line is structurally awkward. Should be something like, “As I slowly stood from my spot, the heels of my boots started scraping into the woods beneath it.” Maybe play around with it to your liking so it fits nicely. Some details similar to this is hard to catch and it's something I struggle with as well. Also, “scrapping” should be spelled with one p. Minor detail, but just look over it again and you'll be fine. I understand writing on mobile is difficult at times, so it's okay. Maybe write with Google Docs? It's great when catching small errors and such :)

    They bicker quite often (do they love each other????? the romance in me is talking). I love the energy and connection these two have! Honestly, if I've know any better, they could be dating for all I know.

    WADE HAS SOME JOKES, HUH lmfao geez, he's so straight to his point. it's hilarious

    I enjoy the semi short chapters. It's short and straight to the point. The reason why I also enjoy it is because each chapter is written with its own idea and raw material. I love how these two interact with each other! Although I've never seen the movie, I think you captured their personalities perfectly.

    I think you have a promising plot on your hands. :)
    November 16th, 2015 at 05:21am
  • Unown

    Unown (190)

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    I don't know much about Deadpool either but I still really enjoyed reading this. Each chapter felt just right; not too long or short, and with just enough suspense to make me eager to read the next.
    I can see that this story is becoming increasingly intriguing and that the real action is about to begin. I thought that you described their individual personalities so well through description, interactions, thoughts and dialogue. I love the dry sense of humour that this story embraces, and the beautiful layout too!
    November 2nd, 2015 at 11:14pm
  • losing control.

    losing control. (4250)

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    Alright, to be completely honest, I know just about nothing about Deadpool other than the one trailer I saw of the new movie a while ago.

    But from that, it seems like you got his personality spot on. He's so sarcastic and ridiculous and it's just so great. You've developed your narrator very well, too. She's so sassy and has such a strong personality, it's really great to read. I feel like I might have said this on previous stories of yours, but I would love to see some more description woven into your dialogue. Sometimes it gets a little bit choppy because there's a clear difference between the two.

    There was some mistakes, but I know you write on your phone so that can be a bit hard to avoid sometimes.

    Overall, good job and good luck with the rest of it! Cute
    October 3rd, 2015 at 04:17am
  • paracosm.

    paracosm. (110)

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    Sorry it was a double :(
    September 23rd, 2015 at 05:13pm
  • paracosm.

    paracosm. (110)

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    Ah it was nice to see a bit of Joker in this - and I completely understand why you made Wade serious, (you did it very well).
    September 23rd, 2015 at 05:12pm
  • paracosm.

    paracosm. (110)

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    Wow I really love this story, you write Wade so well ^u^ and I'm also insanely curious about her connection to the Joker, as well as everything else about her - the mystery is slowly unravelling ;u;
    September 19th, 2015 at 12:20pm
  • Iron Man.

    Iron Man. (885)

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    @ Moonlight Fairy Hina
    You're welcome and yeah, I did. They were all awesome and it makes me wonder how everything's going to turn out. ^^
    August 15th, 2015 at 03:05am
  • Albluerose

    Albluerose (205)

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    @ Moonlight Fairy Hina
    Oh thank you, I'm really trying to do good with story, as neither deadpool or suicide squad hit theaters yet so I'm really free balling it here. But also trying to integrate the song into the story. So its going to be pretty hard. Did you watch the videos?
    August 15th, 2015 at 02:39am
  • Iron Man.

    Iron Man. (885)

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    Aha oh wow. That made me laugh. XD Deadpool/Wade sounds so cool and funny. And the narrator/female OC is just so sassy. I think you did a pretty good with the start of the story. I spotted some errors, but I"m guessing that you wrote this on your phone so it's no big deal. The errors didn't take away from the story. Great job with the story so far, Amber. ^^
    August 15th, 2015 at 12:33am