February 6th, 2016 at 08:50pm
Hello there!!!
I love your writing style. The way you describe things is fabulous. I think perhaps you go a teeny tiny bit overboard. Words are beautiful, let's use more!
*wink
I have this problem too. I think it make a few sentences in the opening chapter a bit convoluted. I did love the premise though. Stone giants in an alternate sleep land.
Helo, this is badass. I'm excited to see where it goes. Feels very Greek mythology to me at this point.
I would suggest a background and maybe a new story photo. Also something I struggle with. The background editor is near impossible to use, but presentation is everything.
Chapter One:
Capitalization of the chapter name should reflect that in the title.
I love the beginning set of descriptions. They really help me picture the park and immerse myself in the story. It's like I'm actually there. Major kudos to you for that.
And he was. But it wasn't... I see what you're trying to do with this paragraph, but the way it is written is very convoluted and more than mildly confusing, which messes with the flow of the piece as a whole. I would suggest a slightly more straightforward set of metaphors and descriptors to make this part a little easier on the readers.
Also, in the paragraph under that, there's either a spacing error. Either Everything... needs to be a line up, or be spaced down one more line.
When using a word more than once to emphasize something, use commas in between them. However, I would suggest using different descriptors rather than repeating words. A Thesaurus can be your best friend when needing synonyms for words. :3
Overall, besides what I mentioned, the spelling and grammar is perfectly fine. However, this first chapter, while excellently detailed, is very confusing. I found it difficult to get into because of how convoluted some of your metaphors and descriptors were. I understand trying to be cryptic, but sometimes simply being vague is more than enough. Overly done metaphors and analogies make things more confusing for a reader. It's a beautiful concept and definitely has a lot of potential. It's a good start!