Good Intentions - Comments

  • Dom.

    Dom. (170)

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    I liked how the summary is simple with just one sentence. Very enticing. However, this layout is pretty but it's difficult to read the words.

    Chapter One:
    The first thing that caught my eye was the amount of dialogue (also, there should be commas in between the last word and the quotation mark if you aren't using a question mark or exclamation point). There is a lot and while sometimes that's good, in this case there is a lot of telling and not enough showing. The line "I honestly saw some of her in me" came out of nowhere because of this. Try fleshing out Colby more so we can see how Ama is like him. A lot isn't revealed either and it left me confused at some points.

    Other than that, the story is starting off well. Although there is a lot of telling, I can sense the type of person Colby is.

    Chapter Two:
    The imagery in this chapter was great. I could see everything going on. I don't think I like Tucker very much. His ex friends had a very good reason for kicking him out. This was also fast-paced, which I think portrayed the fear very well.

    Overall, this story does have a lot of potential so keep writing!
    March 6th, 2016 at 09:37pm
  • losing control.

    losing control. (4250)

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    Just gonna repeat what other people said about the layout, I appreciate the theme that you were going for but the font color was super difficult.

    I kind of assumed this was a fanfic of something I wasn't familiar with, like The Walking Dead or something, but then I saw it was original fiction. So I would suggest maybe fleshing out more details in the beginning and get us familiar with what's going on in the story. Just diving in like you did makes it quite confusing and hard to follow.

    Though I've only read the first chapter, I think you've done an interesting job developing Colby so far. I would just suggest adding some more description into his personality so we can get to know him a bit more as a person and as a leader.

    Also, with dialogue, you should have a comma before the quotation mark and a lowercase letter after:
    "Goodnight sir" She said back.
    Should be
    "Goodnight, sir," she said back.

    Overall, this seems like it has potential. Good luck writing the rest!
    March 6th, 2016 at 06:42pm
  • Shirogane

    Shirogane (100)

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    I agree with insufferable; that this layout is really hard to read. I understand that the theme is much darker, but the color of font on a really dark background makes it difficult to actually get through the story. I would also recommend either lightening the text box or using a brighter font.

    Summary:
    It is short, sweet, and to the point without actually giving anything away. I like that a lot and it does its purpose of drawing me in. Good job!

    Chapter One:
    Small spelling error 5 paragraphs in: dinning needs to be dining.

    There seems to be a lot of missing punctuation: commas and periods mostly. Make sure you re-read and add in where they are missing. There are too many for me to just list in this comment.

    The other thing, and I don't know if this is intentional, but there is very little world building in this chapter. You aren't actually filling in what's going on, how they got to that point, why they fight, etc. I understand that will probably be explained later, but a little more in the first chapter would really help reel the reader in more.

    Chapter Two:
    Small typo at the end of the first paragraph: to of my friends should be two of my friends.

    I like the action and a bit more of the world building in this one. It gives just a little more insight into what's going on in the world. However, Tucker seems like the type of person to change with the wind as far as personality goes, which is making me dislike him. He seems the type to do something wrong and then complain about the consequences even though he knows he did wrong. I do hope he experiences some character development and straightens out by the end.

    Overall, this has potential of being something really great. Just make sure to watch out for grammar and punctuation errors. There are a lot of those. And do try to be a little more descriptive and less cryptic. It makes it confusing for the reader and makes them not as into the story because they can't figure out exactly what is going on, nor do they really have hints. Best of luck on continuing this though!
    March 6th, 2016 at 06:20am
  • hangsang.

    hangsang. (210)

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    The first thing that grabbed my attention with this is the fact that the font is nearly impossible to read without strain. I would definitely recommend changing it to something a little brighter, as dark text on a dark background is incredibly hard to read.

    Summary:
    I like how short and to the point the summary is. It made me excited to read what the two of you have thus far.

    Chapter One:
    One thing that turned me off from the story was the fact that nothing is really explained. You get a little information on Colby and a few of the members of the group, but that's about it. What happened? What's attacking the boy in the field?

    Chapter Two:
    Just from the first paragraph, I'm already disliking Tucker quite a bit. He honestly shouldn't be complaining about being kicked out, especially after what he did.
    His personality kind of does a 180 by the end of the chapter which confused me, plus it just wasn't consistent.
    I do like your descriptions, though.

    I do think this story has a lot of potential and while I did enjoy the two chapters that I read, I feel like this needs a quick edit. The flow was pretty good, which I definitely appreciated, but there was so little information given most of the time which made the story hard to get into. I wish you both the best of luck with this!
    March 6th, 2016 at 03:35am