March 6th, 2016 at 09:37pm
Just gonna repeat what other people said about the layout, I appreciate the theme that you were going for but the font color was super difficult.
I kind of assumed this was a fanfic of something I wasn't familiar with, like The Walking Dead or something, but then I saw it was original fiction. So I would suggest maybe fleshing out more details in the beginning and get us familiar with what's going on in the story. Just diving in like you did makes it quite confusing and hard to follow.
Though I've only read the first chapter, I think you've done an interesting job developing Colby so far. I would just suggest adding some more description into his personality so we can get to know him a bit more as a person and as a leader.
Also, with dialogue, you should have a comma before the quotation mark and a lowercase letter after:
"Goodnight sir" She said back.
Should be
"Goodnight, sir," she said back.
Overall, this seems like it has potential. Good luck writing the rest!
Chapter One:
The first thing that caught my eye was the amount of dialogue (also, there should be commas in between the last word and the quotation mark if you aren't using a question mark or exclamation point). There is a lot and while sometimes that's good, in this case there is a lot of telling and not enough showing. The line "I honestly saw some of her in me" came out of nowhere because of this. Try fleshing out Colby more so we can see how Ama is like him. A lot isn't revealed either and it left me confused at some points.
Other than that, the story is starting off well. Although there is a lot of telling, I can sense the type of person Colby is.
Chapter Two:
The imagery in this chapter was great. I could see everything going on. I don't think I like Tucker very much. His ex friends had a very good reason for kicking him out. This was also fast-paced, which I think portrayed the fear very well.
Overall, this story does have a lot of potential so keep writing!