Yugto - Comments

I'm here commenting as part of my Make Me Laugh, Cry or Sit on the Edge of My Seat contest!

Layout / Summary

Your layout is simplistic, but it's stunning. I think anything else would have distracted from the story itself, so it works really well in context. I also like how the summary and chapter titles seem to link up and create this list of things that she likes about him, it's a really interesting concept in my opinion.

Content

I love the air of mystery this has to begin with. It's almost like a teaser from the first chapter onwards -- you get these tiny little glimpses, but the whole picture isn't revealed until later. It's kinda like a min-cliffhanger that keeps the reader going forwards to find out more. I love that. It's such a clever way of keeping the reader interested and engaged in what's happening.

The way that you've taken the things that Aba likes and turned them into tiny little chapters with such wonderful description is absolutely beyond me. I wish I had your way with words, I really do. It's so refreshing to read your descriptions of everything, it brings everything to life and adds serious emotion to what you're saying. The bitter ocean, the mention of wanting to control the sun like Icarus... it all shows this side of Aba's personality without being too obvious about it and it's wonderfully refreshing to read through that and figure out what's going on in every individual tidbit you feed the reader.

The foreshadowing in this story is just breathtaking as well. native language mentioned it before, but some of your description shows this sense of foreboding, this sense that everything is not going to end well for Aba. It's horrifying to watch it unravel like that, because you just want to scream at her to stop, to just give up. It's almost like watching somebody tumble towards the darkness without being able to help at all. Heartbreaking.

As a final aside, the last line in your final chapter was beautiful, really stunning.

Concrit

I only noticed one thing, really:

painting it a nice shade of rosy-pink -- if you're talking about her cheeks, it should be them instead of it.

Overall

I'm pretty sure I've already told you in the past that I think this story is amazing, but I'm going to re-iterate it again for the purposes of this comment: this is amazing. You've got a wonderful way with words and I'm incredibly jealous of your skill as a writer. Hardly any errors throughout, and the way that this was written was unique and refreshing to read. You've done a wonderful job of this!

Oh wow. This was absolutely gorgeous. Your descriptions are fantastically well-crafted and the imagery equally so. It's sort of like poetry in a way, because every word counts and holds significance. I don't know if you intended this or not, but all the references to warmth, sun, and energy just gives me the idea how much this boy means to the narrator – that he is almost like the star her world revolves around. But at the same time you describe him in such away – his misgivings, the not-so-perfect physical aspects – that he becomes a fully fleshed-out human being, and she does not see him as some deity which to me just reinforces the feelings she has for him. I'm a bit of a geek, so I loved the mythology references laced throughout, which gives her love an almost parabolic feeling. I especially love the line: They beckoned to her like a siren's song from the jagged rocks. It gives a sense of foreboding, that Aba is really going to get hurt in the end. Although the story is very short, and a lot is left to the reader's interpretation, you still manage to tell a story in such few words. I think sometimes the story can be lost if not executed well enough, but that certainly wasn't the case for this piece. This really was a delightful little read!

Wow this is so unique and beautifully written. Just wow.

I don't know how you do it. I don't know where you got your writing talent from but let's say I'm just envious of your works. Especially this story. You don't know how truly gifted you are. To be honest, I love reading your stories and what makes me love Yugto all the more is that this is the story where I get to see the more mature side of you. I know you don't want me to mention the story, -bleep- you wrote a long time ago but it's something that you should really appreciate. You evolved exponentially in the past few years as a writer and I am such a privileged friend to witness all of that.

Now, on to the story itself...

Chapter two was my personal favorite because of these last few lines:



These few lines made me squeal like a little girl alone in front of her laptop. I'm not kidding. There's just something about those lines that made me relate to so much. And because of that, this chapter was the most special to me. What hurt me so much was that he was talking about Sabine and not Aba. My heart was broken into two right then and there.

I love how you described your male character. Your descriptions of him in Aba's point of view are just so smooth and deep which makes me feel as if I'm reading high-class poetry. It's just one of the major factors in this story that makes me want to just ugh. It's just not the physical aspects of him that I adore so much but his personality and actions as a whole. At first, you described perfectly his physical traits but when I got to his advice, his misgivings, his love and his sacrifice, you gave me the 360-degree character I so desperately craved for.

Another factor is that o-so-amazing layout that you made. You can just add me to the list of people who love your minimalist layout because it is just one to die for. I don't where know where you found that picture of the LRT but that photo in that perfect angle with the perfect lighting makes me want to take a ride in one right now.

I have no idea what will happen to Aba, Patrick and Sabine but I know it's something that I'll stay tuned for.

Your summary leaves much to be desired, in my opinion. It doesn't catch my attention at all because it's too short. It doesn't give me time to wrap my head around what I should expect in the story. And your chapter names really should be capitalized. Also, the layout, while making it easy to read the text, is honestly pretty plain. There's nothing really interesting about it, which also doesn't grab attention.

Chapter One
God should be capitalized since you are referring to the religious figure. Why did he grab her hand? What prompted the meeting? I understand the chapters are supposed to be short, but there's really not a lot to go off of here.

Chapter Two
You really shouldn't start a sentence with a conjunction. You very well could have combined that with the sentence in front of it to help make it flow a lot better.

Another character? When you've barely said anything of the first two? Who is this person to them, and why are they important? The two chapters thus far, while keeping the two main characters, don't seem to have anything to do with one another, and it is very confusing.

Overall, I won't be continuing this. As a reader, I'm confused where you're going with it. Is each chapter an isolated incidence with that certain trait? That doesn't flow well as a story. The chapters should have more in common than an item from a list as a title and using the same characters. I wish you the best in continuing it, though, even if it's not my cup of tea.

So, Sam decided to give me your story for a free comment! I'm actually subscribed to this so.

Chapter One

Your descriptions are so wonderful and vivid. I can just picture their hands touching and I can feel the nervousness of her when they first meet. It's actually really relatable, since I know it can be nerve-racking to meet new people, so I could definitely relate to the narrator. Honestly, your writing in this story feels like breathing - it's so light, fresh and wonderful.

The only thing I can suggest for the first chapter is taking out the 'nice' from 'nice shade of rosy pink'. That might just be me though, I just found it a little out of place to the rest of your writing.

Chapter Two

I can soo see this being one of those indie short films about a couple. Just small instances of their lives but you can really feel it. You put so much feeling into short chapters. Your imagery in this chapter was so beautiful, I could just picture them both sitting under the mango tree. I could even picture it to the tiny details of her glancing at him from her peripheral vision and their arms almost touching by not quite. It's such a simple scene and yet you have made it something so beautiful.

Chapter Three

This, this is hands down my favourite chapter. The way you describe his smile is so beautiful. I just love the comparisons to Heaven and to Icarus that you used. I can't even begin to imagine just how beautiful this boy's smile is, but I am so desperate to know. I also love that there's a hint that not everything is perfect, making this a realistic relationship between them.

I think this is also a realistic start to a relationship. I just love how shy and awkward they both are, that they can barely glance at each other at the same time without looking away.

Chapter Four

GOD, his laugh. 'timid at first, then erupting in a loud splash of colours.' This was such a beautiful line. I can just imagine his laugh. Your writing is just so beautiful, as I've said many times before now. The way you describe people and normal settings is just so amazing, you have some serious talent. You've also made this really relatable - I can just imagine laughing myself, I can imagine the tears in my eyes and my cheeks hurting because it's happened before.

I can so see why she is in love with this boy.

Chapter Five

Your use of body language in this chapter is spot on. Instead of telling us what she is feeling, you show us through her body language - her actions, the way she is feeling, the way she is thinking. I am really feeling for this character you have built up, despite this being such a short story. I also love the references to mythology used for such a mundane setting and mundane people.

Despite me wanting this to be a happy story, I'm glad that there are instances where it's not. It shows us a more realistic relationship. I think if it were all happy, then it wouldn't be realistic anymore.

Chapter Six

The little details in this chapter! The crooked nose and the lazy eye were such lovely touches. Despite her comparing him to the sun and to Heaven, it's lovely to see that there are unconventional aspects to his looks as well. And I love that despite it all, you can still see that she thinks he is the most beautiful boy she has seen and despite it all, he is still sadly somewhat unattainable. It doesn't matter what other people think, she thinks he is perfect and I love that touch.

Even with little details of the setting, I can still just imagine it all happening in my head. As I said before, it literally could be an indie short film.

Overall / Extras

I love the minimalistic layout. It really matches the story, in the way that she's talking about simple things about him such as his hands, his smile, his advice. However, your descriptions are absolutely effortless and I loved reading this story (the exact reason why I am subscribed). I can't wait to read more!

It took me ages to get to the commenting part of my Candy Bowl Giveaway you participated in, but behold it’s finally here!

When I read his hands, I couldn't help but smile at the relativity of the piece. I wanted to scream, I KNOW WHAT U MEAN, HOMIE. because at some point of this, I felt what she felt.

First chapter got me like “this writing is on point!” Your writing is so flawless and effortless. Every single sentence has it’s own meaning and a deeper sense to it, and I love how you do this throughout your piece.

You have a realistic quality to your writing.

His advice got me thinking. Like, what's the deal behind his words?????????

He sounds cute though

The entire story is me. Like said, I can relate to this so dearly. This is so cute and adorable and making me feel in awe.

I'm digging the simplicity of your layout. The train is a nice touch because I feel like this was where she first caught of glimpse of him.

I'm so sorry this comment was so late

Also, before I forget, feel free to recommend anything else to me. I love your writing style. It's very neat and minimalistic; very modern. There's nowhere to go for you but up!

This story seems clean, light, airy, and crisp. I'm in love with the theme, both layout wise and in terms of the actual story. It seems like a soft sort of bittersweet story of tender, unrequited affections. And unrequited love is my favorite kind. It is a difficult style of writing, mostly because it's hard to write those types of stories without making the protagonist seem desperate and clingy and needy, but you've managed to write about them both in a way that helps me identify with her well. Your use of words in general are so powerful. Even though the individual chapters aren't very long, you've painted quite the large scale picture of what their relationship is like. Thank you for recommending this to me! This story is adorable, and I'm very excited to see how it goes. (:

For starters, I adore your layout! Minimalistic themes is downright my favourites. And follow the theme's lead, the story is also simple, which is a breath of fresh air. You took things that are romantically important to all of us, and you described it in such a lovely way that your words elevated their importance. Because it's brief, it gives so much room for interpretation and wonder. Through this, you've given the power to the reader so they are the ones continuing the story in their own heads. I don't know whether this was your initial intention, but I love it. But the greatest thing about it all were your descriptions. God, those descriptions!. Your writing is magnificent. Great job!

Your writing talent is INSANE. You use so few words but the ones you choose are just perfect and you're so good at painting a really tangible scene. Your style is so poetic and I just adore it.

I just love this so much. I feel like you're going to hear me say that a lot.

I love that the narrator is just going through the things that they love about this guy. The things are so simple, but they mean so much, and it's just great. I love the "his smile" chapter, the way you describe the smile is so gorgeous and I love it.

Actually, how you describe everything is amazing. You paint such a lovely picture every time you write and I adore it so much.

Lovely job, as always!

The layout is so simplistic that I love it! I think it's adorable how the summary connects with the chapter titles as one sentence.

Gorgeous. Your writing is gorgeous. Like damnnnnnn. I wish I could paint a scene like you did in the first chapter. I especially love the last sentence because it just sounds like such a cute start to what I think is going to be an adorable story!!

The second chapter reminds me of the time I was in love with my best guy friend, but that's besides the point and for another time. Again, your writing is amazing. I am so jealous of how you write, and I hope I can write half as decent as you at some point in my life.

I cannot say this enough! Your description! Your imagery! Everything is gorgeous and perfect!!!! The way you described his smile really got me. I just love that sentence, and the comparison of Icarus. Like goodness this is really throwing me back to last year. I cannot get over how well you write, and I can't wait to see where this heads!!!

Holy shit is your description amazing. In the first small chapter when you talk about how his palms are callused and brushing against hers, I can almost feel callused hands touching my own. I feel like it's really hard to make short things so so beautiful, but you do it in a way that almost makes this seem like prose instead of drabbles.

In the second part, I don't know what it is about this line, but it gets me: With bated breath, she waited for him to say something, the soil under her hands, bare. It's just so beautiful.

HoLy FuCk the comparison to Icarus, my dear heart. When she compared his smile to the sun and then followed it with Icarus, GOD that was good. You seriously got me right there

Overall, this is beautiful. Drabble or not, it's just dainty and hard all at the same time. I'm in love with the way you wrote this and if you write anything like this, you are a serious contender in the literary world.

So glad my candy bowl brought me here because fuck. This was beautiful.