May 11th, 2016 at 07:11pm
First off, the layout is super hard to read. I would suggest making the background white or making the red solid. On the other hand, the summary is absolutely amazing. It lets the reader know what's going on without giving too much away. I was definitely hooked by it!
Chapter One
I do really like how you opened things up. Thus far, you've provided information without going too in-detail about the narrators life, which is much appreciated, as too much info can turn readers off from a story.
I really like how you drew attention to the fact that there are always people outside of the Avengers' door. Fans and protesters. They're a lot like celebrities.
I loved the story with Star and Tony. He was super kind and generous to let her stay like that, and he even offered her a key? Part of me really wishes Star had gone back in, but I also understand why she didn't.
I did notice a few grammatical errors, but nothing that really deterred me from the story.
Chapter Two
Star's mother sounded like an absolute badass. I love elemental powers! It's really sad she passed away, though. The fact that Star doesn't have any other family is really sad to hear, especially since Xavier sent her away; knowing he was the only one she had. Yes, it was for her safety, but it still must have been really hard on her.
Star reuniting with Storm, Scott, and Jean was really sweet. I like how Scott is the fatherly type, even though Star seems like a rebel using the whole 'I'm old enough to make my own decisions' excuse. I'm really wondering how Xavier is going to react to seeing her, though.
Ahhh, at first I thought Xavier would be really angry, but I was pleasantly surprised! That was so, so sweet!
~~~
I think I'm going to end the comment here. I've absolutely loved what I've read so far! I'll definitely be subscribing and recommending. Once I get further in, I'll probably be leaving another comment. There are mistakes in this but, as I said, nothing too bad. Well done!
The information you gave on Star was really nicely done too. I like that you revealed, so subtly, that she had powers. Since she grew up with her godfather and was then 'sent away for her own safety', I can imagine she has powers/abilities and I definitely want to stick around to find out what those abilities are. Her not living with her biological parents, there's a couple of reason I can think of for what that's happened - maybe her parents abandoned her because she was a mutant, maybe her parents were mutants themselves and they were killed because of it. Either way, I want to know.
* West Chester was upstate. - Just a minor thing, but if you're referring to the county in upstate New York, that would be Westchester. I think West Chester is in Pennsylvania.
Star's homecoming in chapter two was cute. I liked the apprehension she felt towards being back in the mansion and seeing her old friends/family/life. I also thought it was great how Storm, Jean, and Scott seemed to have different feelings about her returning (or being sent away in the first place). I thought it was great that you made it so there was some uncertainty on their side too.
I don't really know how I feel about Star's families history (with all the mother's on her mom's side dying during childbirth). I think that's obviously going to play an important part somewhere down the line, but I'm a little unsure of how it'll fit into the story and what it's going to mean.
*After she told them that she was pregnant, my father was murdered by her abusive father, upon whom she unleashed her abilities. - I was a little confused by this. When you say "After she told them..." who is 'them'? At first, I thought it meant "After she told her parents..." but in the next chapter you clarify that it was just the daughter (Star's mom) and the father (Star's grandfather) since the mother (Star's grandmother) died in childbirth. I think if 'them' refers to Star's grandfather and her father, that should be clarified or maybe even stated in separate sentences. Maybe something like "After she told my father and grandfather she was pregnant, my father was murdered by my abusive grandfather, upon whom my mother unleashed her abilities."
---
Overall, I like what I've read so far (and I'll try to keep reading and commenting along the way). I like that you're taking your time with telling about Star's past but also keeping things moving in the present - you've set the perfect pace for this story.