Thick Smoke - Comments

I hope you write a sequel after you are finished with the prequel.. I would love to see what happens between Draco and Eliza

@ Tanya Marie
Thank you very much! There may be an prequel but during the summer probably. Anyway, thanks for reading! :)

Just finished reading this and I must say this was beautifully written! The whole flow and idea and creativeness, just mind blowing! Best I have read on this site! Please make an epilogue or sequel! I would love to find out what happens next for Eliza and Draco and all the other characters! I need more closure on them! Never stop writing!!

Let the second puddle of tears commence! This conversation with Dumbledore makes his death all the more heartbreaking. The cliffhanger foreshadowing as much was very smart indeed. A while back you said you hadn't really planned what direction to take things, but boy does this flow as if you had!


Another one that contains a certain something I can't put my finger on. Perfection, perhaps. From Eliza's words to Draco, to Snape's force; this is perfection.


And now, the climax. Tying the main character to the title through dialogue was ...damn. My arms are just itching to wrap around her. You deliver the suspense and thrill in ways I've not read in a long time. In just a short time, the Malfoys almost get themselves caught, Snape resumes being mother hen, and another bombshell is dropped. I'm so thankful you entered my contest!


There's certainly an intimacy about this chapter, which is a fresh and welcome change to the repetitiveness in the Draco-Eliza ship. The sting of Voldemort's words are also a lovely touch in darkening the story - and any possible sequel to come.


My little heart is so full. It does well that you've included how they don't really know each other well. In fanfiction that seems to be something often forgotten, the details of getting to know someone. Revealing more details about Ophelia, and the parallels between she and her daughter is really building the suspense.


Emotions seem to be a roller-coaster here, bring the circle back to pain over the loss of Sirius. (I'm only a mini-puddle this time.) Quickly still, things are recovered with words that send butterflies to my stomach. I'm rooting so hard for Draco right now! And just like I had hoped, things finally took a turn for the better for them. 46 chapters for a kiss! You have a fine talent~


Another thing you do well is make the animagus transformation insanely interesting. SO cute that Eliza and her pet can communicate now - what a dream.


What an escape! Did not see that one coming at all. Poor Harry though - being stuck with cat claws is the worst! Hopefully Draco will be okay with out his wand. I figured Ginny would have passed along that he was keeping Eliza safe.


Another interesting turn. Vernon seems rather nice, and the face you've tied to him is attractive~ Lucius continuing to protect Eliza warms my heart; I wonder if he's doing it because he sees how much Draco loves her, or if he sees Ophelia and is doing it out of his love for her. Very strange indeed, very well done.


"It was impossible, especially after meeting Voldemort, to see Snape as the villain. YES! As a firm believer that no one person is completely good, I think this is a perfect way to portray Severus. A necessary, lesser evil. You do well to include fine details about how people are doing, if they're alive, and what their worries are - a good set up for a tragic outcome. Most enjoyable was the exchange between Draco and Eliza. Tender and earnest; nothing too overboard for the situation at hand. The wandless magic and him needing a wand flow seamlessly and melt into what was already canon. I'm beyond impressed by this chapter. "You can’t mourn at this moment. Fight for him" And also the biggest puddle of tears as of yet.


The entire first portion of this chapter being read as James Newton Howard's True Love's Kiss from Maleficent plays is pure magic. The fact that Eliza said Harry needs to die caught me by surprise given that they've been written as family. That fact only serves to emphasize how she's not in the right mind. Immediately with the return of the ring things pick up in intensity - for what time, I've lost count. I found myself holding my breath once Neville pulled the sword from the hat, and not breathing again until much later - b e y o n d suspenseful. With this ending, or another, this story is pure magic. Well done.


There were a multitude of mistakes, and with so many chapters I decided to not correct them; however, I would recommend finding someone to do a full edit of this. Fixing up your paragraphs, which seem to be split up unnecessarily, would also clean this up nicely. It's due to the length of this story, the plot content, and all the hard work you have given that I've disregarded the lack of proper editing. This storyline is brilliant, so I am incredibly thankful to you for writing it for my contest. Please never delete this! If anything you should get a print done to treasure forever because this was definitely a work of art. No doubt that some work on this can turn it into one of the most memorable fanfics on the internet.

Beyond impressed with your characterization of Draco. His personality flows so much better than it did in the early chapters, and he's really quite likable. The plot thickens with more mystery surrounding Eliza's mother, and it's another bit I find to be quite rightly done.


FINALLY THE DYNAMITE EXPLODES! I've been dying to know of the connections Eliza has, and I think they've just been clarified with this latest bit of information.


I am in real tears right now. A puddle of freakin' tears. For some reason I didn't even consider Sirius' demise, and this was a combination of intense action mixed with extreme heartbreak at just the right or wrong moment. Your writing is just swell, as sarcastic as that sounds haha


Still a puddle of tears. It's 2:46am and I see no end it sight at this point.


I KNEW IT. I SO KNEW IT. And praise the lord for that GIF of Severus. I'm also quite enjoying how his character is flowing.


The writing of this chapter combined with the GIF in your a/n make me really feel for Draco. He'll crack though; the words on him make that clear.


After saying "well done" so much, I feel you're probably growing tired of my feedback. But again, well done. It's admirable how strong and determined Eliza is in confronting everyone. You've surely created a well-rounded character in her!


Brilliant work! Just brilliant. I do wish there was more action with the fire, but aside from that this chapter was very enjoyable.


You've done a fabulous job writing the romance between Draco and Eliza. Just enough fluff to make up for the realistically slow pace. Because this side of him is ooc, the pace is also pretty perfect because enough of the real him can shine through.


Aw yay! This was super cute, and again, the same comments from the previous chapter apply. It saddens me that this story is coming to a close!

Woooh, yes, Yule Ball. Malfoy is turning out to be a very wonderful character. He has all the usual sass and snark, but there's something I can't quite put my finger on about the way you write him. Whatever it is, it's wonderful. The fact that he also saved her from Goldstein and then asked her to the ball is so off from his written character, but I've always believed in his potential to be kind - you make that transition come out at the perfect pace.


The tension between Draco and Eliza is almost palpable as I'm reading along. Writing the Ron-in-hot-water moment as him putting his foot in his mouth with Eliza was another bit I found to be way well done. And what a plot twist with Moaning Myrtle having such bombshell info on Ophelia! Ace chapter, darling. Just ace.


"The unexplainable was coming; that haze no one could fight against." Powerful ending to a marvelous chapter. This definitely seems like a turning point in the story, and it's all written perfectly.


Honestly it's such a relief to see a small redeeming quality in the elder Malfoy, and written in a way that seems realistic. Had me on the edge of my seat the entire chapter!


I have so many theories at this point that my brain may well be turning into mush. Is Tom the father of Ophelia? Was he her lover? So many questions.


Sirius definitely seems to jump between seeming canon and ooc, but it's well done. I love his sassy "or something" - such a Padfoot thing to say, I think. But aye Felton as Lucius had be dying; Slytherin forever indeed.


I want to thank you for your respect in noting that the dreamcatcher wasn't magic - or at least, not in the sense most Potterheads would think it to be. Your writing is seeming to flow a lot better now, and it's really enjoyable how many important details are being given without much filler. But YO' now Regulus is in the mix? Is he her father? This is so thrilling.


Slow clap for the way you ended this. Things are most definitely turning in a new direction.


Adding in a slow flirtation between Draco and Eliza is the greatest. Insta-love seems to be the thing online - admittedly, I'm guilty of it - but your story sticks to being realistic. Way to go~


Forbidden curses were a good way to go, I must say. Especially Severus performing them. You definitely put the final nail in the coffin of his personality with this chapter. Very Snape-esque.

I wonder if Sirius isn't actually Eliza's father, seeing as how Willy took the letter to Snape (especially since that would also explain the Slytherin bit.) Weren't there wards around Hogwarts though? I'm sort of confused about how Eliza got through them.


What I'm now most excited to discover in future chapters is who's voice Eliza heard whilst exiting the Shrieking Shack. That and what was in the letter of Snape's.


Though you've patched things up between Harry and Eliza, it seems as if he's left out of the trio quite a bit. I do hope to see more development with his character throughout the remaining chapters, and with Ron's as well.


Peculiar dialogue happening during the reveal of Pettigrew. I would recommend editing the format and dialogue to make it a bit more clear as to who is speaking to whom. The usage of remnant is also incorrect, unless you've chosen it to mean something else. This is definitely something that might due to be cleared up - or if it is such later on in the story, it could do with being defined earlier on.


The time jump was another thing that could have been better with more details, but since 15 chapters have already been spent on one year I do see how it was necessary. You've done a great job at pacing everything well and not rushing into things, I applaud you.


Wild intense dream to have! Despite the "familial" connection to Harry I can't help but root for the possibility of the two of them getting closer because of mutual issues and interests. Rad magic with the connection to Furvus, by the way.


Necessary filler, but well done. I may be too cocky in my assumption that this will be written as five competitors, but eh. At least I won't need to wait for updates in order to find out!


"She was a masochist for looking after trouble." Yaaaaaaasss. Honestly Eliza is such a great character. It's instances like this that flow so well that I wish you'd have done more showing than telling. But ugh! The way you're writing Cedric!! I think I'll be more sick over his death in your story than in the actual series. My bb.


Eliza and Cedric fighting definitely seems like a little much given there isn't much development between them. I'd strongly advise that you expand their friendship as well if you do an edit; they're honestly so great together the way you write them, but there's a lot of missing pieces I feel. Being able to use the killing curse without a wand is definitely a plot twist - something that can cause accidental conflict, or be extremely helpful. This was a really great addition, and another thing I've never seen in fanfic.


Honestly so pumped about Draco seeing the wandless magic. The banter between the two of them was written very nicely, and leaving it the chapter off without a response from him is a good cliffhanger. Quite enjoyable of a story you've got here!

The layout is very hard to read, and I've had to switch over to default layout. Your summary gives important details away, but questioning the identity of the MC is a good way to grasp readers. Because you only have one character, I'm disappointed to see that you haven't included anyone else from your story in the characters page. Though it's pretty well-established who the cast is, I rather enjoy seeing which look you'd choose for each or if you'd entirely re-imagined the characters.


Right away you establish the main tragedy in Eliza's life in a way that captures me and makes me want to read more. Unfortunately your dividers aren't transparent, so they do get a little distracting.


The train scene re-imagined was amazing - mostly because of the scream. Using this scene to match it up to your story is a really nice touch in making it seem like it could be part of J.K.'s world. It also appears that some of your summary images are broken. but that's just a minor thing.


Though I'm sure Eliza being in Gryffindor is to lend to the rivalry part of the story, I must admit I was rooting for her being placed in one of the lesser loved houses.


This chapter is really interesting. I see a lot of details given, but again, not completed. You have a really good way of creating suspense. I wonder if the serpent from Divination has ties to either of the Malfoy men.


The short bits like you've included to tell about Defense Against the Dark Arts seem too filler-y. I think you could cover things she's good at or details like how Slytherins are good at the class without adding unnecessary chronological details. Eliza seems pretty feisty, as demonstrated by her interactions with Draco. Setting up scenes that create conflict or show her strengths/weaknesses flows better because the story is so lengthy.


Ohoho, do I see a little rivalry going on between Eliza and Hermione? I wish you would have gone a little deeper into the avoidance of Harry and her thoughts about him possibly leaving her behind because this scene was extremely well done.


This definitely seemed like a filler chapter, but I quite enjoyed that Sirius is finally at Hogwarts. I think focusing on that and adding more details might make for a more captivating chapter if you do decide to edit.


Very well done. You leave the chapter off at a good point, adding more mystery to the history of Eliza and her family.


I do like the suspense that's been created around Ophelia. This seems set up to say she was also from a Pureblood family, but didn't follow their footsteps, but with information revealed about who liked her that seems unlikely. You've done a swell job at creating a web of mystery that doesn't directly involve the main character. I definitely dig the back and forth between Draco and Eliza, as well as the mystery ending.


Adding in facts from actual muggle history is a seriously great addition to this. It's very rare that I've read fanfic, or any story for that matter, that uses history so subtly and helpfully. I'm also thankful for your addition of Cedric, who is so often left out. Very charming indeed. The last scene included in this chapter might just be the best by far. This is the type of excerpt that would have me reading an entire book. Well done!

Love it

I love how you keep updating this! I don't even have to ask you to update! Lol. But this is amazing. I like Eliza and her relationships with the other chracters. :)

@ MoMo_92
Yep. Though I haven't decided his whole role as a human yet

Hmm another animagus interesting......is he related to the brothers in the children story????

Yay she escaped!!! But it's going to be ugly for when the Voldemort shows up

Let us have a dang happy ending.

Love it omg she is a cat now

Fantastic update as usual:))

This is one of the best stories I've ever read on this site. I can't wait for the next update!!!

This is an awesome ass story like holy moly I had to continue this story without any interruptions

I'm so happy that you keep updating so often! This story just keeps on getting more addicting with each chapter! I love it!

I like this...a lot! I'm glad you keep updating!!