June 17th, 2016 at 06:17am
Awe, this was a cute one-shot. I'm not really familiar with Gilmore Girls or the relationships in the show, but it was still cute nonetheless. I really like that Jess was so nervous to ask Rory to marry him, it was really adorable and I liked how you added that in there.
I would have loved to see a bit more detail between the dialogue to help build the story up. Especially because its an AU and I feel like anything AU is really great for people who aren't too familiar with the show. I felt like it was sort of hard to get to know much about the characters and the setting because it just wasn't really built up too much.
Also with dialogue:
“Sure” She said should be "Sure," she said.
There should be a comma before the quotation mark and then the next word should be lowercase.
Overall, I think this was a cute little story. A bit of polishing and you'll be good to go!
I want to know what time period this takes place in. Must be when Jess is still in Star's Hollow, before he left and wrote the book any everything.
“A ring” I huffed out, nervous at Sam’s reaction. You need a comma after "ring". And all speech tags are lowercase. "she asked, he said, etc".
When Jess picks Rory up, I'm surprised that it's from Emily and Richard's since they hate him. And Lorelei hates him. If this is AU, then that's fine, but I really feel like this takes place in the same universe (i.e. Star's Hollow, Luke's, the Gilmore House, etc), you need to make it more obvious that it's AU. Anyway, I'd still like to see more interaction between Jess and her family. It's so quick, it feels unnecessary.
I wasn't able to really feel for the characters because there wasn't much of a build up. It was a quick "we did this, then we did this, and we talked for a bit, and then she said yes, and that's how I married your mother". I would love, love to see the romance between them. Jess loved Rory so much. It was one of my favorite relationships of the entire show. They were perfect.
(As you can tell, I'm still not over them || *Goes to binge more GG). This was exciting for me to see though! I'm glad there's Gilmore fiction out there!