Who Is the Man Behind the Machine? - Comments

Just reading the first little portion of this its obvious to see how much time and effort you've put into it. I'm very impressed with all the little Marvel details you've managed to put in. I especially love me some Bucky Barnes cuz dam. I have to agree with losing control. the amount of commas in this is insane in just the first paragraph alone. But otherwise, lovely, lovely job.

Just reading the first little portion of this its obvious to see how much time and effort you've put into it. I'm very impressed with all the little Marvel details you've managed to put in. I especially love me some Bucky Barnes cuz dam. I have to agree with losing control. the amount of commas in this is insane in just the first paragraph alone. But otherwise, lovely, lovely job.

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@ losing control.
My newest entry for the contest is posted up - it has a LOT less commas in it.

I like how you made this sort of like a journal entry, with the date and stuff on the top. That was really cool. I also liked how you explained the character's life really well, with a backstory and all that jazz. I love me a good backstory

The only thing I wanted to mention is to watch your comma use. Having such a large amount of commas makes everything feel super choppy when you read it and almost takes away from the story a little bit.

Other than that, though, I really liked your take on the prompt. Good job!

@ Audrey T
-runs off to watch the newest trailer- Vision you traitor!

Well, I have a new prompt now, and, a new idea...for another Marvel Fic, so, stick around - there will be more where this came from ;)

I won't worry to much about it being long. Some stories need to be long. There is just to much that needs telling and explaining. It not good toncut corners, which I’m glad you didn't.

I just want to point out some things I thought added to the story. The laspe of her last death abd at location was pretty cool. The healing rate for each death being different really put into perspective the degree of brutality each death had. I have to agree with some of the other comments, having her be conscious during her death like spells is a little creeper but awesome as well.

I like how this is like a journal; like the person is just writing down what's happening to them. My favorite part of it is how the number is also added so the reader knows how many numbers they has left. It just makes me wonder how on earth the person got their number to 824.

Okay, it's a she. Sammy. Maybe they knew each other when they were younger and that's why the Winter Soldier knows her real name and birthday. I mean, it could be possible since he didn't look like he does now, with the metal arm, when he was a child. Hmm. Theories, theories, theories.

Honestly, I was dreading the length of this because I don't usually read long one-shots, but that sure went by quickly. It was over just as I begun reading. And I loved every second of it. And the twist almost at the end! I KNEW SHE KNEW HIM. I JUST KNEW IT. I can only dream of what happens next... and in my dreams, he DOES have his memories back, they make up and live happily ever after with Steve as their best friend. This was amazing, and a very creative and amazing take on the prompt.

"Bucky always said I had the looks that helped with being a good Con Artist." that seems like a bit of a backhanded compliment, bucks.

i adore the diary-esque style this is written in. it's one of my favorite kinds of stories to read, always lets me feel a little closer to the character and allows me to climb inside their head a little more. thinking on the permanent ways to die is a hella dark detail, but i can definitely see it; i'd probably do it, too, if i had a whole bunch of lives? would i even want to live if something like bite-sized pieces or devoured by cannibal got scrawled out on my list of things to do today? i think not.

"(can't tell you how many Medical Examiners I freaked out with that one)." the touches of humor you've inserted in here are great and help break up the darker moments of the story. it keeps everything from getting too heavy and i really like them.

the IM-style conversations also help to establish the main character as a sort of no-nonsense type of gal. she's well aware of the risks she's taking in what she's doing and she pushes on regardless of what people are trying to say to stop her (though they may or may not make a couple of valid points ).

"I know, I know, I've been alluding to it throughout this whole one-shot..." HOLY MOLY WELL AREN'T YOU A LITTLE DESTRUCTOR OF THE FOURTH WALL. that was a really nice touch. i love stuff like that. it was a bit unexpected and worked perfectly when stated. and the "fucking shit up" lines are great as well. this was really well executed and i didn't find the length a problem, just gave me more to read and draw me in. this was really good, really interesting, and definitely kept my attention, which is a risk some people run with long oneshots. good job!

Oh god. I literally just saw the newest Superbowl trailer for Captain America: Civil War.

Help!

I thought this was a nice piece. I liked seeing Sam's (Sammy?) and the Winter Soldier's interaction. Usually, when I read about him as the Winter Soldier (and not as Bucky Barnes) he doesn't really have much time for sass or mind-games; it's just carrying out orders. I think the fact that he has it in him to taunt/bother her is a great precursor to him coming back to himself as Bucky.

(can’t tell you how many Medical Examiner’s I freaked out with that one). Cute. I liked the bit of humor here (and all throughout this story).

Another thing I thought was interesting was the fact that she's conscious while she's healing - which is so creepy! I couldn't help but think that could definitely be used as a way to torture her if that info was put in the wrong hands, which makes me feel like although this is something that the Winter Soldier knows, it's not something that Hydra is aware of.

Overall, I definitely think this was an interesting way to go with the prompt and I LOVE that it was a Marvel fic.

Straight off the bat I want to say that I think the first sentence would had read better as "I honestly can’t tell you..." because 'honestly' really didn't need that emphasis. From what I can tell, this feels like a journal or diary or dictation of some sorts, so some of the excessive commas fit right, but the ones such as above just felt really unnecessary.

I feel that you should have just put "over-powered" rather than the abbreviation and then the brackets. It didn't actually make sense to have both.

I like the fandom, although I'm not really into reading fanfic of it, but even with that like I found this difficult to follow. Mostly because of the commas. Also, you have the Winter Solider refer to her as Shadow Cat but then a little further down you have her mention she's logging in under her codename and then you put it in brackets and that's just really unnecessary. You've already mentioned it above, you don't have to include it below.

While the length didn't bother me at all, the choppiness really threw me so that I couldn't enjoy it as much as I would have liked.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't include the words and their definitions in the summary. Maybe you could put a very short definition in the author's note? I just think it would clean the summary page up and leave you with a little less about the story content, a little vaguity can be good for pulling readers in.

I really like the way this story opens, with the little information thing. It's not something that's super common, but I think it works. Straight away I know this person has died in the past, and that there is some kind of number.

There's definitely an overuse of commas going on, just from looking at the opening. Try mixing in some shorter sentences to prevent any comma splices.

I think that a lot of the parantheticals could be cut from the story such as, "OP (over-powered)" and "coffee (or what they referred to as coffee)". These things take me out of the story and read like author's note.

As enjoyable as the story was, I found it quite hard to follow because I know less than nothing about the fandom. It mentions a lot of things that go over my head, which is completely understandable.

I do feel that the lenght may drive away some readers. Maybe this would be best split into several chapters? Perhaps whenever time skips?

The summary didn't really draw me in the way most do. It was a little bit of an information dump. I feel like the terms Hitter and Grifter could have actually been specified in the story at some point to lessen that.

Also, there is an excessive amount of commas in the summary alone, which messes with the flow of it. One way to know where to put commas is this: commas separate thoughts. Always put a comma before 'and', 'but', & 'or' when the thought afterward can be a stand alone sentence. After naming a place, put a comma. When starting a sentence with a time indicator (i.e. then, first, before, etc), place a comma after the word just before the start of the stand alone part of the sentence. One last thing is, place a comma where a normal pause would be in a thought. Where would you take a breath? Where are two similar or continuing thoughts connected? Etc.

Don't use commas to emphasize words; that makes the flow very choppy and difficult to follow if the mind continuously stops with a comma for a pause. Italics and bolding are your friends there. I'm also a fan of caps lock on certain words to emphasize when I don't feel like using italics.

I do like the date stamp at the top of the chapter. It really helps set the timeframe for the story; it's a very nice touch that I don't see a lot. Another touch I can appreciate, is that the OC is a female that seems like the independent type. Please don't let her be a damsel in distress later on...

Another thing making this hard to get into is the sheer amount of backstory and information being thrown. I understand there is a lot to cover, but at the same time, it seems over-detailed. It's hard to find that balance of just detailed enough to set the scene and then moving on with the main story.

Pay attention to the tense you use when writing and keep it consistent. That's a little harder to do when writing in first person, but it's possible. Specifically, Right now, I WAS enjoying...in the room I AM renting... You started in present tense, switched to past, and then went back to present. Again, just be mindful.

So... she's conscious every time she 'dies'? Like, she's aware of what's going on around her even if, technically, her body is dead? If that's the case, that's an interesting take on this. If not, I apologize for my confusion.

Small flow/continuity error is that, you'd been putting dates and places but then, when you had a 2 year timeskip, you merely mentioned it instead of putting the date stamp. I almost missed the year change.

Overall, there was just too much information to take in. I wasn't able to enjoy the story in its entirety because I didn't know what was going on half the time. I'm not familiar with the fandom at all, and, unfortunately, this read like you needed to know who was who already. It has potential to be better with a little less detail, but as it is your story, it is up to you. It was a decent read, though. Good job!

First up, I really like the way you chose to convey this prompt... The summary gave away a lot and I found it hard to get into the story, but that doesn't mean that it's not good.

I like the diary styled writing technique you decided to use and the fact that it's fanfiction rather than original is good aswell.

@ Average Lifesaver;;
I thank you for the punctuation help as it is my strongest competitor when it comes to writing, and, I find it quite comical that you tell me that I need to read aloud what I write since, while reading others' stories, I tend to do that...a lot...like...obsessively, so, I guess I should start doing that with my own works as well.

When I go into descriptions and details of what's going on, I'm afraid to go overboard and bore the readers because they are reading more details of where the setting is versus what the character is doing; I find, when I go into great detail, I tend to have huge paragraphs and I just don't want them to be so large people skim over them like I do in stories.

Whenever I put punctuation before ending quotations it always looks wrong to me so I try to avoid it as much as possible, but, it seems to be a losing battle the more I grow my writing (well, whatever growing I do with it).

When I go for emphasis on words, I think bolding and italicizing things, because it looks tacky and is the sign of someone still growing their writing. I have been trying to steer clear of doing that with my works anymore which might be a contributing factor to the over use of commas.

If you have anymore helpful tips, please, let me know.

Okay, just the start of this has me intrigued. I dig the little "Nome, Alaska. January 2, 2012... etc" you have at the top. It sets the stage right away. And if I didn't have a clue about the prompt, I would be super curious.

This has a diary-esque quality to it - and by that I mean, you utilize more "telling" phrases than "showing." While it gives your narrator a really strong voice, I feel like it leaves me in the dark for some of what's going on presently. For instance -- your line, "The creaking of the door signaled someone foreign coming into the room, the near ghostly steps of the person signaling they've had combat training..." This gives me something that tantalizes my senses. Adding some more of this throughout will help ground the story, rather than the narrator just saying, to a degree, "I did this, this happened," etc. More description will help the reader feel like they're in the moment.

Dialogue things -- when you have a line like this:

And then he spoke, in Russian, something that made me want to run to an unnamed island in the Pacific[.] “One more life down..."

There shouldn't be a comma before the dialogue. If you had a tag, like "he said" then there would be a comma, but in the case of a description, no comma.

Another thing I noticed with your dialogue is the punctuation at the end of the quote. Periods, commas, question marks, etc have to go inside the quotation marks. For instance:

“By the way, happy birthday…Sammy[.]"

And there has to be some kind of punctuation. So for your line: “I think I will take one hundred of your lives just to ensure that you remember me every time someone in the future tries or does kill you[,]” he said, you need punctuation (in this case a comma) before the quotation ends.

There is also quite a bit of comma-overuse. To get rid of them, try reading through the piece aloud - where you pause when reading, that's probably where you need a comma. But for a line like, "Besides Steve, Bucky and a, very, select few people..." You don't need nearly as many commas. ("Besides Steve, Bucky, and a very select few people" is how it should look.) If you're using them for emphasis, you could always italicize them, too.

I like the chatroom conversation. That's a cool touch.

Throughout the rest of the story, I didn't notice too many more technical things. You do a good job establishing the voice of the MC and the voice of the characters around her. All you need to do is go back and tweak some of the grammatical things, and then you have a pretty solid piece of work.

For plot stuff -- I'm somewhat familiar with Captain America. I've watched them, but some of the terminology went over my head. Not a big deal as I was still able to follow along pretty easily.

I also like the note you end the story on - with her as a Guardian Angel watching over the boys. It has a cool "cliff-hanger" kind of ending, which I enjoyed.

Over all, I think that you have a pretty interesting entry and I liked it. Other than some of the technical issues, the writing was interesting and the characters are well done.

Nice job!