The Ultimate Soldier - Comments

@ Audrey T
@ louis.
@ hibernus@ losing control.

Thank you for the comments... I'm glad you all like it :)

This was great. I like that you kept with the theme of science going wrong and not ever creating the "perfect" soldier like they're always trying to. But then switching it up to make it so it's an actual human that was created instead of a robot/cyborg thing that gained emotions was a nice little addition.

I thought it was interesting that Captain Miller was the only one who wanted to treat Lani like a human, and that may have been what saved his life. I feel like if he didn't, she might have tried to suppress her emotions and not have jumped to save him from the grenade.

The only thing is that I wish it focused a bit more on the birthmark. I know it was mentioned, but I think it would have been cool to maybe have her deal with the emotions that come along with realizing she has limited lives or something like that. But of course, with this being a one-shot it's kind of hard to add everything in.

But yes, I quite enjoyed this! Good job!

It was nice to have the focus of your story not mainly about her birthmark. It seemed more of an after thought concept. The fact that she wasn't the one to discover it was pretty dope. My favorite was that fact she seemed like she didn't even care that the number changed.

Since Lani was created as a result of experimentation, maybe explaining more about said experiment would add more to the story. Or why she was the only one to survive? Or if the birthmark was the cause of her survival? Or was the birthmark on each experiment?

Definitely an interesting read.

this is such a cool concept oh my

the way it opens up already sets it up for something amazing. to be the only one to survive through trials that i can only imagine were awful, considering all the other experiments couldn't make it...geez louise!

i've always loved the idea of attempting to build the so-called perfect soldier, and it's something i've always wanted to play around with. her flaw is also incredibly interesting. it's not something simple or something that a creation like her would often have; it's that she's too human. that's a whole new path of conflict to go down and i, for one, am ready.

CAPTAIN MILLER IS WONDERFUL AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH. screw off doctor lani deserves some tlc okay, thank you.

i'm actually terrified for these action scenes because you can grow attached to a character only to have them snuffed out before your eyes and my heart can't handle that right now. BUT AAAH YES LANI GIRL YOU GO. i was waiting for her human flaws to kick in and what a way to set them off. that was awesome; i legit thought miller was a goner and i was so sad.

ooooh this is the one of the only ones i've seen that's got someone else recognizing the changed birthmark. i love that, brings them right into the fray alongside the one with a thousand lives. ugggh, this was so cool, you've got such great ideas and this would make an amazing full story! i loved it!

Science always tries (and fails) to create the 'perfect' soldier - I like that you kept with that theme. I thought it was interesting that you made Lani, technically, human. I think it's interesting that scientists created a flesh and blood human (rather than a cyborg or some kind of robot) and removed (or tried to remove) her humanity to make her the perfect soldier. It's like some small part of them knows that a human component is needed to make a good soldier but another part of them wants to believe that the human part is what makes soldiers flawed.

I also feel like they knew something might be wrong with Lani and they maybe included the mark as some kind of failsafe? Maybe they thought having an expiration on her life would make her more human (there was something like that in the TV show 'Extant' that was interesting) or maybe they just wanted a way to ultimately destroy her if they ever needed to? I don't know but I'm definitely intrigued.

@ Mr. Darcy
Thank you, I currently working on a chattered piece for this as well.

Yes! Governments being shitty people and making weapons are just my all time favourite. I prefer conspiracies but this hits the mark perfectly too.

The fact that she was the only one to survive proves that whatever they were put through wasn't easy or very durable, and although we're not told how many experiments there were, I get the feeling that probably expected her to fail as well but the success of her survival probably helped spur them on.

Aww, her saving Captain Miller was just great. For a moment I wasn't sure whether she was going to do that, or whether he was going to die and the death was going to lead to her first death or something.

What I do like a lot about this is that she wasn't the one who discovered the birthmark had changed. That felt like a common occurrence in a lot of the entries for this prompt, but having it changed and only being mentioned by someone else was a breath of fresh air.

I do wish this had been longer. It felt a bit short for a piece that was supposed to introduce us to Lani and then have this action scene that was about more than just her first death. That's the only thing I really picked up on, but other than that it was a nice read!

@ aubs
Thank you

The very first sentence is chilling. The fact that she's the only one that made it passed all the trials tells me that something is... wrong. And that she's gaining knowledge? Whoa. Something is going to go down, I can just feel it.

I feel like Lani was brainwashed into thinking she is an experiment, and that the government brainwashed her to be the perfect soldier. She was brainwashed to think she was more like a computer than a human, but that fact that she does feel human emotions, makes me think that they didn't quite brainwash her all the way. At least, that's what I was thinking when I read this. It might not be true, but that's okay.

This was a cool twist to the prompt. I just wish that the birthmark was mentioned a little more since it just popped up in the end, without us knowing about it until then. I don't know. I did like this one-shot; it was wonderfully done!

The summary and the layout are both very simple, but very striking. The summary itself really hooks me even though it is so short. I'm excited to read it!

Your descriptions are beautiful. I could really place myself into the story because of them. However, it did seem to go by a little fast. For there having been a battle, I would have liked to have seen a bit more action and detail in that area of what was going on around Lani. I would have liked to have seen just a liiiittle more of the human side of her that the doctors dislike. I will say, though, that I really like how she saved Captain Miller and seems to care for him when he's about the only one who cares for her. It's nice to see that.

The overall concept is brilliant. It shows just how involved the government becomes in people's lives to the point of creating the very people they govern.

The one thing I would really have liked to have seen more attention paid to is the birthmark. It's not even mentioned until the end, and, while it opens up the ending for more to be done with it, it does seem thrown in at the last minute.

As a whole, I thoroughly enjoyed this. It has so much potential to continue and for you to do so much with it! Great job!

@ silk tea.
Thank you :)

Wow, I'm a failure. I totally read this the day you posted it to the contest thread but apparently never commented on it. Oops.

Well I definitely like the idea behind this. Government tools that have minds of their own. I love that whole idea where they could become a danger to the whole operation type thing. I feel that we could've been drawn in a bit more with the action really get a sense of whatever tension Lani is feeling.
Also, I don't know if I trust Captain Miller completely. Something about his over friendliness makes me feel like it's a facade and he'll like lure you in thinking he's the dad like figure Lani needs but then he'll end up being the evil mastermind or something.

ANYWHO. Very lovely job.

@ skyerocket.
Thank you :)

I really liked this.

First I love the nice simple layout I think it fits the story very well. I love that you are going to make it a chaptered story. I can't wait until this is even more fleshed out.

I kind of wish the action scenes were a little longer or more detailed - not that I'm complaining or anything. Action stories can be hard to write without going overboard. You did really well with it though.

I love the name Lani by the way. And I really liked Captain Miller.

I feel like you really hit your stride towards the bottom half of the story I was really getting into It and didn't want it to end.

Overall great job. I love what you did with the prompt. You should be proud of this!

@ dawn of light
Thank you

@ Average Lifesaver;;
Thank you :)

I'm actually in the middle of planning a chaptered story to go along with this, it'll delve deeper into Lani's creation and the world surrounding her.

This is such an interesting world you've created. Right now, I feel like you've done really well at establishing the characters and setting, and while the story is good as a stand-alone, it could be even greater as a full blown story.

AI with feeling also really intrigues me, so this is right up my alley. I think you do a really nice job of walking the line with Lani too - like this exchange:
"I am just a specimen, Captain Miller… a soldier created in a lab with a super computer connected to my brain... The doctor says that I am nothing more than a science experiment.”

... “What did you feel when you saw the grenade?”

“Feel?”

Just this really cool thing where Lani knows she's not human, but she's not strictly AI either.

Captain Miller's character is also quite interesting. I like how invested he is in her, instead of treating her like she's less-than because she's not human.

My only crit would be -- I wish it were longer! I want to see more of the world and establish just a hair more of backstory. But you've got a pretty solid start at that.

All together, this is a) a cool take on the prompt b) a really nice one-shot or c) totally the set up for a full length story about a very different AI.

I am in love with your layout. It's so simple and badass.

I like how the opening is a brief statement from the experiment case. That captures your readers' attention quickly. And let me tell you, I love anything to do with government, sci-fi experiments and I was so hyped when I started this.

WAIT. A little too human. I love this line way more than I should.

HELL YEAH CAP MILLER STUCK UP FOR LANI (love the name) and I love that we see part of his personality with the way he talks and reacts. I have some theories that maybe Miller created Lani as a image to be his own daughter????? I kinda love that he treats her with great respect.

I've always been in love with your writing. You have a gift for creating a nice atmosphere and flow the story with great descriptions. You've written this as if you done this a million times and it's perfection. This is such a nice take on the prompt!

“I believe I felt fear, but it wasn’t for long." YOU MAKE EVERY LINE SO FANTASTIC.

@ coralreefs;
Thank you :)

This is so interesting and well written! The way you've decided to write this prompt is definitely one of my favorites so far. I love the detail and the way you describe Lani's confusion at her first incomprehensible human emotion. It just seems so...real in a way. I love this line: At some point they had gotten some wires crossed in her brain and she had come out a little too…human for their liking. Using 'human' as an adjective in this sentence was SO clever. Loved that.

Side note: I also like how you named her Lani, because it reminds me of Kehlani and she's like...my favorite person ever lol. Anyways, good job!!!

@ insufferable;
@ captain solo.

I'm actually planning to turn this into a chaptered story... I'm just in the process of planning at the moment, but it's definitely on its way :)

Thank you for the comments