Evermore - Comments

  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15250)

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    I'm here leaving a comment for the Historical Fiction contest!

    Layout / Summary
    I like how simple the layout is, and how well everything goes together. The summary is short, but it's interesting and it definitely sets the scene for the era that you chose. All in all, good beginnings from the main page.

    Content
    The language that you use throughout this piece definitely does work well in the sense that it puts a clear picture in the reader's mind of the setting and time, even if it's just within the first few sentences. Your sentence structure also works well -- it creates this sense of short-and-choppy, which really adds to the idea of Mary running through the streets in her wedding get-up. You set up this wonderfully suspenseful ending to the first chapter, but you give out just enough information to keep the reader hooked and reading on.

    I must admit, I was a little confused going on, as I didn't realised we had jumped back in time, but once I went back and checked the dates, I realised what was happening. I like that we get glimpses of how life was when she was with Harold though, versus when she runs from him. It's interesting to have the comparisons between her arranged marriage to him and her letters / interactions to Lord Scarborough. You definitely see the difference between being forced to enjoy the company of someone versus someone being able to just genuinely enjoy the company of whoever they are with. The way that her letters become more desperate as she tries to reach him when he does not reply show her love for him. I was very glad when he showed up and almost saved the day, in a way.

    The description throughout this is wonderful, though. The one part that gets me is when you describe Harold in... I think it was chapter two? Anyway, you have this whole paragraph that reminds me of Sonnet 130 by Shakespare. You've got the comparison as it usually is -- the blue eyes, all that jazz -- but then you state that Harold's eyes are more like a murky river. It's a delightful way to describe someone and that just really made everything up for me here.

    Concrit

    I only really noticed a few things while I was reading through:

    “You are hardly being force,” [chapter 3] -- force should be forced
    Mary could have fainted then are there [chapter 5] -- are should be and
    If your fiancé would not mind? [chapter 5] -- as it's referring to a female, it should be fiancée
    “As I side, it has become all the rage [chapter 6] -- side should be said.

    Overall

    This was a good portrayal of Georgian times, as far as I know -- it's not a time that I've done a lot of research on, but it certainly does give off the air of being from that time. You've got a knack for description and this works really well together. Nice job!
    June 15th, 2016 at 08:10pm
  • Cupcake Violence

    Cupcake Violence (100)

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    Yay :)

    Thank you! I mean I'm still confused but at least they're together :)
    April 25th, 2016 at 09:53pm
  • Cupcake Violence

    Cupcake Violence (100)

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    Why are you making us wait! This is torture :( pure torture!
    April 24th, 2016 at 05:53pm
  • Cupcake Violence

    Cupcake Violence (100)

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    Why are you making us wait! This is torture :( pure torture!
    April 24th, 2016 at 05:53pm
  • Cupcake Violence

    Cupcake Violence (100)

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    Thank you for all the updates!
    We've almost come full circle!
    I just wanna know what his letter to her said :(
    Why you leave us hanging like that!
    April 23rd, 2016 at 01:14pm
  • alexander bernadotte

    alexander bernadotte (125)

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    hello!!

    the layout: wow, wow! so beautiful! i love how everything matches with the gold-y tones. i also love the font that you used for the title. c:

    chapter 1: i suspected this was a historical fiction piece; the date (which was a little hard to see when i first glanced at it) cemented, haha. anyways, wow. i love the tone here -- very anxious and, like, mary lynn is going to positively plotz if she doesn't get farther and farther away. i'm curious to find out why she jilted her groom, tho. very promising start! ^__^

    chapter 2: no lie, mr. arnold comes off as very vampire-ish, especially when you describe him wearing "more black than a window in mourning" and the fact that he's very pale, haha. anyways...

    i got a sort of friendly-ish vibe from mary lynn and harry's dialogue toward each other; it's far from loving and the sort of talking that you'd expect from two people who are betrothed, but at the same time, at least he's not being mean or totally outwardly cold to her. perhaps the guy isn't a man of many words? however, i like that he's respectful of her and doesn't raise her voice at her. the guy is growing on me. (':

    chapter 3: sarah's got a good point about marriage; i barely realized that she was a maid. she and mary speak (for the time period, at least) very casually. i like that!! sarah's insults at the driver made me bust out laughing. i've never heard of some of the words she'd hurled at the driver, but that made me laugh even harder. i'll def. have to google what the lot of those meant, lmao.

    oooh, i feel like there's gonna be something with this scarborough fella and mary. maybe i'm too early into the story to suspect this, but i think something will happen between them? o:

    chapter 4: i like that mary wrote a letter to scarborough, apologizing for sarah's behavior; makes her more human, y'know? and i like that scarborough had the gall (not in a bad way) to reply to her nicely. i think that my suspicions might be correct about something that will go on eventually between scarborough and mary.

    i'll def. come back and read more of this when i have the time! i really enjoyed this story and i feel like a binge of it is required. great job. ^__^
    April 23rd, 2016 at 06:22am
  • Cupcake Violence

    Cupcake Violence (100)

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    Gah I love it! It seems so genuine to the time period and I'm excited for more :)
    April 18th, 2016 at 12:59pm
  • escapist

    escapist (100)

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    i adore this!
    March 22nd, 2016 at 10:39pm
  • aubs

    aubs (420)

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    What a wonderful way to begin the story - with her running away from her groom. I love that her reasons aren't too clear. All that was said was that she felt her world closing in on itself as she stood in front of the man she was suppose to marry.

    I like how, in the second chapter, it goes back before the wedding, giving some description on her life before the first chapter. Maybe she doesn't really like him because she's forced to marry him. I mean, I don't even think she really loves him.

    It is nice that he's kind and takes time to spend with her. I think it's sweet, but maybe she thinks that he's too boring for her? Maybe she has a different type of man that she likes in her mind, and he's far from that? Maybe the man she dreams of is fun and wants to sweep her off her feet? Heck, if I were her, that's what I'd be dreaming of.

    I love, love, love the letter in the beginning of the fourth chapter. What a wonderful idea! And the fact that there was one for him was amazing too!

    I've always loved historical stories like this one, which is why I love this story so much. I can't wait to see what happens with the two in the future.
    January 31st, 2016 at 04:43am