Of Fate and Choice - Comments

The layout is really dark, and I wonder if that's a foreshadowing of the coming story. Well done~


Right away you introduce three characters which I'm sure will play an important role in the story. I love that they all have unique names, especially Devinia. Somehow I knew she wasn't a lady, but her role is so much more interesting than I would have thought. Introducing the "gem of the sea" right away is sure to draw in readers.

I'm reminded quite so of Reign due to the details of the period which your story is set; especially being pregnant. (Mostly I wonder how that would work for a mermaid.) It's quite interesting that you've chosen two such groups to be united because even without your fantastic writing of their differences, fae and merpeople just seem so different. Because the fae wedding ceremony was so dull I'm hoping to see something interesting when it comes to consummation or birth of the first child~

Overall this chapter did a really good job of introducing two groups of people as well as give some clues as to the story-line's future. (And with just one line about the vampire prince, I'm intrigued.)

One thing I did wish for was a character page once so many people were introduced. I also may have caught one small mistake: "Apologises for disturbing you, my lady," - Should this not be apologies?


Right off I'm interested in Alaric - and not just because that's such a perfect vampire name. His mother and this whole scene makes me curious as to his character and how he has been shaped by his home life. I can't imagine a wife being left to act as the human princess is, so it does strike me as odd that Alaric seems to be under fire for it. He should just eat her.

Between all the characters here I think I'm rooting more for the sister, just because she seems so fiery. And Alaric, of course because I pity that he must be connected to a princess unwilling to fulfill her duties. The weres also seem interesting as they seem very well-mannered despite the clear distaste the vampires have for them.


Daphne is intense right off. I like that you've established her as a devout follower of Ailera, in contrast to her ladies and (obviously) the vampire prince. It's a nice detail that she thought her beliefs would have respect - it seems to parallel present day Internet Atheism where one has no respect for others' beliefs.

Malie is hands down the best lady in this story. I like that she is sticking up for Daphne, and knowing her place; that she has the common sense the others seem to be lacking.

There was one mistake: "Just difficult and disobedience!" - disobedient.

I'm so intrigued and so happy about how well-written this is that I'll be subscribing. Very well done!

Ahh, the layout is so gorgeous! I swear you're Mibba's fantasy queen, you write it so so well.

The Mermaid Princess
I really love how you set the mood with your description from the very beginning. It's really clear that this isn't a "modern day" story from the beginning and you keep that up the whole way through which I really appreciate. I really liked how you introduced the fantasy element as well, it was just like a casual introduction to the fact that there's mers and faes and all that stuff instead of making a big deal out of it like I see sometimes.

I liked how you established Amicia's character right off the bat as well. I like that I can already tell she's gonna be a strong, female lead (I say that like this is a movie ) who has her own ideas/thoughts about this whole political marriage thing and her "duties", but is smart enough to not just rebel or something.

You flow between dialogue and description really nicely, everything about it feels natural. But I did notice when there's only description, though, things get a little choppy. I think it's because you tend to use shorter sentences so there's a couple places where it feels like there's a lot of stopping and starting, if that makes sense. Just a little nit-picky thing, really.

Fantastic intro chapter though, you dove right in without giving away everything right away and it was great.

The Vampire Prince
I like that you included a human princess in this! I feel like when people write fantasy they kind of forget that humans are still things that could be useful to unions and whatever.

I kind of hate Alaric because he's sort of an ass, but I also kind of understand where he's coming from. I feel like I'd be super frustrated if I had to marry someone and they just like...completely ignored me. But the fact that he thinks he can force her into turning into a vampire seems ridiculous. YOU CAN'T FORCE PEOPLE TO DO THAT, MAN.

I like that we get to see a bit more about the unions among different species in this chapter, and I also feel like it's alluding to the fact that these unions may not do what everyone is hoping, since it seems like no one is happy with them. I'm quite excited to see where this story ends up going because it's super interesting already and so far we've just been learning about the characters/the world

I'm really excited to see what happens!

double

Firt of all, I love this layout! It's so dark and pretty

Not onto the good stuff:

CHAPTER ONE: THE MERMAID PRINCESS
You do really well with detail. I feel like it's hit or miss, people are either really good or really bad, but I just love how you made it flow so nicely. And I also like how you can tell what time period it is just by the subtle details. And like Sam said below, because of the time period and how everyone speaks, it doesn't come off as choppy! It's flows so nicely. I'm really jealous of your writing style rn

But anyways, this chapter is a really nice introduction to everything. It dives right into the story and I love that. I can't handle slow stories lol, I don't know why. Amicia seems like a great character. I like her already and I barely know her. I don't know why but she reminds me of Dany from Game of Thrones...I've seen like 5 episodes of that show so I'm probably way off, but the scene where she's getting ready for the union just made me think of her idk. And I love the differences between all these different beings. Mer, fae, vampire, etc. I'm not the biggest fan of fantasy but you're making me like it a lot.

I had a feeling that the fae prince was gonna like dramatically die at the end of this chapter but that did not happen, so I'm now I'm intrigued by the next chapter

CHAPTER TWO: THE VAMPIRE PRINCE
Omg I didn't look at the chapter title before I read the first chapter so I didn't know this was gonna be about the vampire prince and now I'm excited as hell. I have an inkling of what's gonna happen with these two main characters but I'll wait and see

ANYWAYS, this first sentence gives the impression that Alaric is one of those broody types of characters. I also imagine him with a British accent. Oh he married a human, that's very interesting. Humans are always seen as inferior in fantasy stories, but I like that they're at least recognized as a group worth forging an alliance with.

Nevermind, Alaric seems a lil scary–"forcing her hand." Now I don't know how I feel about him. He's so rude about his wife. I want her to divorce him and get out of there.

I think my favorite part of these two chapters is the parallels of these two different alliances. Amicia is very accepting of her fate while Alaric is annoyed and very rude. It's really interesting. I wonder when or if Alaric and Amicia will ever meet and what will happen. It seems Amicia already has an impression of him so I wonder what happened.

I'm really excited to read the rest of this!

Summary / Layout

The image in the layout is really atmospheric, so I dig that 100%. Also, the quote used in the summary really does make me wonder -- it's thought-provoking and kind of makes me excited to read on into the story itself, to see how it all relates.

The Mermaid Princess

I love that, right off the bat, we've got this sense of time period. The second Amicia is wrapping up a parchment with a ribbon, I've got this wonderful medieval-style room in my head. Even little details like that just make the whole first paragraph come to life. As I read forward as well, I'm super-excited that you've totally gone all the way with this -- the speech works in perfectly, and the idea of the servants and all of this stuff. It just reminds me of princesses from years ago, and it sets up the setting absolutely perfectly, subtly and vividly.

What I like the most about this chapter, though, is that we get this glimpse into who Amicia is, and I really like her. She's got this regal air about her from the speech and the obvious having ladies looking after her, but she's also got this soft side, and she seems as if she genuinely cares about her people. That's lovely to read, and it's very warming to see a character in a position of power who hasn't been portrayed as a power-hungry maniac. I read a lot of stories like that, so it's a welcome change to read about such a three-dimensional character, even within the first few paragraphs of this chapter.

I'm really interested in what's going on here, and why Amicia has pushed herself onto land when she states that it does not give her any joy. I love the idea of a marriage of convenience on this one though -- the fae and the mer marrying one another in order to keep relationships sweet and stuff is what I'm getting from this, which is pretty cool. I never thought about anything that way before. Obviously though, you mention in the author's note that it's more than a political marriage, so I'm really excited to see where you'll be taking it in the future!

The Vampire Prince

I get this kind of borderline arrogance off of Alaric in the first part of the chapter, which is pretty cool. Like, god forbid his mother wants to speak to him, he seems a little moody! What I find the most interesting, though, is that, as dawn of light said, he does seem to have this familial bond that comes through despite the tone being rather demure / harsh when he's speaking to her. I get the feeling that he's more of a fan of her than his father (which makes me super-cautious -- I'm worried as to why he's glad his father is not there!) and as the chapter goes on, I get the idea that his father is the least favourite, ha.

I really like the fact that, as opposed to the relative calm in the previous chapter over the marriage -- there was a little bit of complaint, but about the language -- this one seems to be going terribly. That stark difference between the two situations is really interesting to read. The same goes for the differences between the different species. It's quite funny, actually, to read through how surprised the sister was at how Alaric's wife reacted to the invitation to dinner, although if I were being invited to dinner by a vampire, I'd probably do the same.

I'm still unsure about whether I like Alaric or not. He seems a little strange and possessive, but then again, we still know little of his history and I don't wanna jump to conclusions on his character. I'm excited to read more of his tale, for sure.

The Mermaid Princess

You have a knack for creating beautiful sceneries throughout the story. Your descriptions create such a nice image for the readers. I have to say that although I was a bit thrown off by the way you wrote her speech, I did like the way you made Amicia word her sentences. It was fascinating! You wrote her speech with so much strength in her voice, where I could almost hear her talk!

As the atmosphere, and I’m sure the year this was written in, isn’t something I would normally write myself, I can say I followed the flow of this quite effortlessly. It wasn’t choppy and it didn’t seem you were dragging things out.

I did like how the first opening scene gives us a glimpse of who Amicia is and what her character will be like in future chapters. I did like the part where Amicia asks her ladies on their thoughts on Kalen. I don’t know why but I thought this showed me how she really is close to them, as if they were like a model/mother figure to her. The interaction with her ladies made me think of Amicia as a more rounded character. Where most characters that are introduced in stories just do this and that without having a full personality, you did the opposed of creating your character. I may be the only one, but I do like filler scenes or chapters because it could show the reader some crucial layers of a character’s traits!

The Vampire Prince

Is it sad that I kind of laughed at Alaric in the beginning of this chapter? HAHAH. His distress and annoyance made me giggle. I am so sorry Alaric, but just reading this first paragraph made me laugh at you I could imagine him being all moody (that’s how great your writing is) because of the summon!

Again, your descriptions were nice and it flowed nicely.

I do like the little coverage of Alaric’s parents. It seems like his relationship with his father isn’t so smooth. This line, “…his father was absent and he was thankful that he would not have to suffer the talk in his presence,” just made me think of the possible things that could make Alaric seem so afraid of his father’s presence. And so little was mentioned about his father….We’ll just have to wait and see! Alaric seemed to have a better relationship with his mother, though. Just by the way he talked about his mom. I don’t know yet! It’s all so interesting!

I do like the tone and the vocabulary in this chapter. Proposition of being turned made me think hard about this! And the way Alaric would always refer his wife’s issues as humanly is interesting. I have so many question piling in my head right now haha.

I loved Alaric’s interaction with his sister. This gave the reader great insight of who he is. I love that in this chapter, we see that he has a strong familial relationship with his mother/sister, even though it’s through harsh tones. I just love their interaction! I just know family may or may not be a key asset in this story. Idk, I’m still guessing haha.

I do have to say I am now very curious of Amicia and why she’s constantly keeping her distance from Alaric and his family.

And the way Alaric is very firm with his tone at the end made me go dammmmmmn (am I falling for the main character omg).