The summary is so cryptic and intriguing, it makes me want to read on straight away to know more. I have so many questions I know will get answered during the story so I also really like how simple the layout is, it's lovely~
Chapter One
The first paragraph is gripping, because you can see the sense of need and the sense of needing to hurry, which kind of puts me on my toes. I thought it was really interesting, it entirely hooked me into the idea of the stories and is making me ask so many questions. And the second paragraph actually scared me slightly, the way you write it helps the reader connects to the emotions of the characters. I can feel how frightened Ygne is of the woods surrounding her and what could be lurking. It makes me worry for her.
then strange her with her bare hands - I believe strange should be strangle (never thought I'd have to correct someone on how 'strangle' )
I think the idea of the prophecy is so interesting and Ygne's attitude towards it really does pique my curiosity. I can't wait to see how killing the Witch Queen will help save her and possibly a lot of other people. I also can't wait to see how Ygne plans to kill the Witch Queen as well. You drawing in from the folklore and superstitions and rumours of the general people also really added to the narration, it gives everything a creepy feeling.
The character of the Witch Queen is super intriguing. I can't wait to finally meet the character, if we do. You give enough back story to keep the reader interested, but hold enough back to make the reader want to read more to answer the questions. Very well done~
Play at being her0 even - Just a small mistake, the typo should probably be a comma
Your writing is literally so captivating, the way you describe the woods as though they are alive, or the cryptic way you describe Ygne and her life, the way you describe her then running from the fire. It was all perfect, I could imagine it so vividly because your descriptions were fantastic. I also like the small character quirks - like Ygne thinking the fire would help her, because she associates it with something positive rather than negative. I just found that really interesting in the character~
She’s a maid who is going to burn whole before the dragon, because she didn’t even have an armour to tell the tale instead of her. - I loved this line!
assumes it the dragon comes to her. - 'assumes is the dragon'
The way you ended the first part of this chapter (before the split) was so good! I found myself on the edge of my seat, wondering what was going to happen to Ygne.
Chills are running down her spine. The magic, the things woven in tales, they’re so prominent here that it makes her skin crawl. - I don't know what it was about this, but I really, really liked this line. This entire chapter is giving me goosebumps. You've really held the suspense well! I find myself rather scared for Ygne and what is to come now that she is in the Great Tomb.
The ending to the first chapter was so creepy. You've written this so well, goddamn.
Chapter Two
Your descriptions to begin with are so vivid and engaging. I real feel like I could be in the room with Ygne, that I can just imagine the Great Tomb and also the 'ghastly' forest behind her. You also hold the suspense through Ygne's thoughts and the descriptions really well - our expectation that she will hit something solid eventually, and then she doesn't and the fact she cannot see anything adds to the creepy factor. I can put myself in the character's shoes very easily, with the way you write it.
I also love your use of repetition (which I did notice last chapter as well), as I think it adds more to the story. You make the reader tense and we almost expect something else to happen, but instead to hold the tension by repeating the same actions. I'm still actually wondering if something will jump out at Ygne
with the darkest red jewels women through her stands. - 'women' should be woven
I love the magical feel your writing has, especially from the past where the darkness has disappeared to reveal the woman. Like when I am reading, I constantly get this magical vibe from the writing, even if the magic vibe can sometimes come off as rather creepy and a little frightening. And the way you described the lady was so captivating, you really captured her beauty in your writing. And you also captured the grotesque side to the woman as well, which was an excellent twist to add.
Witch’s right hand, covered to wrist in lace - I think it would flow better if you said The witch's instead~
The way Ygne responded to the witch's compliment was amazing. She was so calm about it and did what she would normally do, instead of making this big deal out of it. I don't now why I liked this touch to the character so much, but I really did like it~ Even thought she may be scared on the inside, I like the way that Ygne presents herself, quite calmly and with ease. I also like that she may be the chosen one, but she isn't like your typical chosen main character, instead she stumbles and is unsure and acts very realistic and human. It's almost as if she isn't really the chosen one at all.
You've really handled the fantasy genre so well. As I've said before, your writing has a huge magical and fantasy feel, which helps with the tone and atmosphere of the story. I can really find myself engaged within this world and within Ygne's quest to kill the Witch Queen and save them all.
I loved the twist, where we find out the Witch Queen has known Ygne was there all along. It was quite a chilling moment, you really have held up with the creepy factor throughout this story. The vibe is magic, yet tinted with this darkness, it so evident in your writing and really builds the atmosphere and plot well. I can't wait to see how Ygne progresses within the next chapter.
Chapter Three
One breath, two, then three and she calms her beating heart. She’s survived a forest, a dragon and two witches; she’ll survive this as well. - This line has just fit perfectly within the story. I am really rooting for Ygne now, because to me she is an underdog. You have made her and her cause very likeable, so I am supporting her in her endeavours and hoping she is successful.
The distortion of the sense of reality is brilliant. Not knowing who the chants are coming from, whether it is Ygne or another figure, not knowing whether some of the surroundings are real was great. It gave the narration a really nice edge and doesn't leave the reader too confused, but keeps them hooked in. I also like how different you made the three witches that she encounters - you had a child, a beautiful woman and someone who is very ancient. I like that little detail, it just adds more to the fantasy element.
She didn’t come for death; she was sent here for it. - LOVE this line.
The twist that the prophecy may not be true was great. I feel that you kind of foreshadowed it throughout the whole story, since often Ygne would brush it off. But even still, it was a great twist and really caught me off guard, despite the hints and the foreshadowing in the previous chapters.
I think the crone witch is my favourite witch, because she is just so interesting. I cannot tell if she is genuinely going to help Ygne, or if she is playing her own game. The way she speaks and holds herself through your writing makes her a very compelling and intriguing character. OH, and the twist that they are girls who have entered the Kingswood under false prophecy? EXCELLENT.
I feel so sorry for Ygne, how she has been sent out here with no guidance and nothing truly on her, because people thought that she was a prophecy child. You can see the desperation within her, you can see this kind of anguish because she is injured and starving. She is very much a likeable character, as I've said before.
I felt like my breathing stopped when the dragon was behind her. You held the suspense absolutely brilliantly. And then the twist that Ygne has the demon eyes! I could almost guess it was coming due to the foreshadowing from the crone, but I was still rejoicing that she had the demon eyes because now she will survive, after all of that ordeal, Ygne can survive the dragon.
She’s disappointed because she’s been cheated, because she’s been left for dead to be another pretty story. She’s sad, she’s excited, she is angry, but she is not afraid. - Some of my favourite lines of the whole story. Absolutely loved this, so much. It portrays Ygne's character so well.
Absolutely excellent piece.
Overall
You handled your chosen characters brilliantly, and you even portrayed them all so differently from each other. I absolutely loved reading about Ygne's story, as he goes off to kill the Witch Queen, is a brilliant twist from the usual chosen one and prophecy child stories you see in the media. Your writing has this magical element to it, which helped to hold up the plot and the atmosphere of the story so well. Apart from the small typos, I have nothing to criticise at all about this story. What a brilliant entry!
Chapter One
The first paragraph is gripping, because you can see the sense of need and the sense of needing to hurry, which kind of puts me on my toes. I thought it was really interesting, it entirely hooked me into the idea of the stories and is making me ask so many questions. And the second paragraph actually scared me slightly, the way you write it helps the reader connects to the emotions of the characters. I can feel how frightened Ygne is of the woods surrounding her and what could be lurking. It makes me worry for her.
then strange her with her bare hands - I believe strange should be strangle (never thought I'd have to correct someone on how 'strangle'
I think the idea of the prophecy is so interesting and Ygne's attitude towards it really does pique my curiosity. I can't wait to see how killing the Witch Queen will help save her and possibly a lot of other people. I also can't wait to see how Ygne plans to kill the Witch Queen as well. You drawing in from the folklore and superstitions and rumours of the general people also really added to the narration, it gives everything a creepy feeling.
The character of the Witch Queen is super intriguing. I can't wait to finally meet the character, if we do. You give enough back story to keep the reader interested, but hold enough back to make the reader want to read more to answer the questions. Very well done~
Play at being her0 even - Just a small mistake, the typo should probably be a comma
Your writing is literally so captivating, the way you describe the woods as though they are alive, or the cryptic way you describe Ygne and her life, the way you describe her then running from the fire. It was all perfect, I could imagine it so vividly because your descriptions were fantastic. I also like the small character quirks - like Ygne thinking the fire would help her, because she associates it with something positive rather than negative. I just found that really interesting in the character~
She’s a maid who is going to burn whole before the dragon, because she didn’t even have an armour to tell the tale instead of her. - I loved this line!
assumes it the dragon comes to her. - 'assumes is the dragon'
The way you ended the first part of this chapter (before the split) was so good! I found myself on the edge of my seat, wondering what was going to happen to Ygne.
Chills are running down her spine. The magic, the things woven in tales, they’re so prominent here that it makes her skin crawl. - I don't know what it was about this, but I really, really liked this line. This entire chapter is giving me goosebumps. You've really held the suspense well! I find myself rather scared for Ygne and what is to come now that she is in the Great Tomb.
The ending to the first chapter was so creepy. You've written this so well, goddamn.
Chapter Two
Your descriptions to begin with are so vivid and engaging. I real feel like I could be in the room with Ygne, that I can just imagine the Great Tomb and also the 'ghastly' forest behind her. You also hold the suspense through Ygne's thoughts and the descriptions really well - our expectation that she will hit something solid eventually, and then she doesn't and the fact she cannot see anything adds to the creepy factor. I can put myself in the character's shoes very easily, with the way you write it.
I also love your use of repetition (which I did notice last chapter as well), as I think it adds more to the story. You make the reader tense and we almost expect something else to happen, but instead to hold the tension by repeating the same actions. I'm still actually wondering if something will jump out at Ygne
with the darkest red jewels women through her stands. - 'women' should be woven
I love the magical feel your writing has, especially from the past where the darkness has disappeared to reveal the woman. Like when I am reading, I constantly get this magical vibe from the writing, even if the magic vibe can sometimes come off as rather creepy and a little frightening. And the way you described the lady was so captivating, you really captured her beauty in your writing. And you also captured the grotesque side to the woman as well, which was an excellent twist to add.
Witch’s right hand, covered to wrist in lace - I think it would flow better if you said The witch's instead~
The way Ygne responded to the witch's compliment was amazing. She was so calm about it and did what she would normally do, instead of making this big deal out of it. I don't now why I liked this touch to the character so much, but I really did like it~ Even thought she may be scared on the inside, I like the way that Ygne presents herself, quite calmly and with ease. I also like that she may be the chosen one, but she isn't like your typical chosen main character, instead she stumbles and is unsure and acts very realistic and human. It's almost as if she isn't really the chosen one at all.
You've really handled the fantasy genre so well. As I've said before, your writing has a huge magical and fantasy feel, which helps with the tone and atmosphere of the story. I can really find myself engaged within this world and within Ygne's quest to kill the Witch Queen and save them all.
I loved the twist, where we find out the Witch Queen has known Ygne was there all along. It was quite a chilling moment, you really have held up with the creepy factor throughout this story. The vibe is magic, yet tinted with this darkness, it so evident in your writing and really builds the atmosphere and plot well. I can't wait to see how Ygne progresses within the next chapter.
Chapter Three
One breath, two, then three and she calms her beating heart. She’s survived a forest, a dragon and two witches; she’ll survive this as well. - This line has just fit perfectly within the story. I am really rooting for Ygne now, because to me she is an underdog. You have made her and her cause very likeable, so I am supporting her in her endeavours and hoping she is successful.
The distortion of the sense of reality is brilliant. Not knowing who the chants are coming from, whether it is Ygne or another figure, not knowing whether some of the surroundings are real was great. It gave the narration a really nice edge and doesn't leave the reader too confused, but keeps them hooked in. I also like how different you made the three witches that she encounters - you had a child, a beautiful woman and someone who is very ancient. I like that little detail, it just adds more to the fantasy element.
She didn’t come for death; she was sent here for it. - LOVE this line.
The twist that the prophecy may not be true was great. I feel that you kind of foreshadowed it throughout the whole story, since often Ygne would brush it off. But even still, it was a great twist and really caught me off guard, despite the hints and the foreshadowing in the previous chapters.
I think the crone witch is my favourite witch, because she is just so interesting. I cannot tell if she is genuinely going to help Ygne, or if she is playing her own game. The way she speaks and holds herself through your writing makes her a very compelling and intriguing character. OH, and the twist that they are girls who have entered the Kingswood under false prophecy? EXCELLENT.
I feel so sorry for Ygne, how she has been sent out here with no guidance and nothing truly on her, because people thought that she was a prophecy child. You can see the desperation within her, you can see this kind of anguish because she is injured and starving. She is very much a likeable character, as I've said before.
I felt like my breathing stopped when the dragon was behind her. You held the suspense absolutely brilliantly. And then the twist that Ygne has the demon eyes! I could almost guess it was coming due to the foreshadowing from the crone, but I was still rejoicing that she had the demon eyes because now she will survive, after all of that ordeal, Ygne can survive the dragon.
She’s disappointed because she’s been cheated, because she’s been left for dead to be another pretty story. She’s sad, she’s excited, she is angry, but she is not afraid. - Some of my favourite lines of the whole story. Absolutely loved this, so much. It portrays Ygne's character so well.
Absolutely excellent piece.
Overall
You handled your chosen characters brilliantly, and you even portrayed them all so differently from each other. I absolutely loved reading about Ygne's story, as he goes off to kill the Witch Queen, is a brilliant twist from the usual chosen one and prophecy child stories you see in the media. Your writing has this magical element to it, which helped to hold up the plot and the atmosphere of the story so well. Apart from the small typos, I have nothing to criticise at all about this story. What a brilliant entry!