Right off the bat, the ways of communicating got me hooked. Listing it was beyond intriguing. I liked that it’s first thing us readers see Your summary is cute and everything adorable.
I am in love with the IM messages in the beginning of chapter one. Starting it like that just gives me the premise and feel of your potential plot and I love that. My favorite line has to be, “it’s only been like seven hours,” because it’s endearing. This tells me that the Killer_Queen already grew an attachment towards Nerdster maybe because he’s easy to be friends with? She had a strong / quick connection with him? IDK let’s find out Nerdster’s character is quirky and I like that. I can already tell he’s approachable and friendly. I love characters like this because it’s just lovely to read about and because it’s my homeland to read / write about cute stuff like this
I think that the adding in his sister’s night terrors was a nice touch (NOT THE TERRORS ITSELF but the introduction herself) because it was a smooth way of introducing his family members. Rather than flatly writing about his family, you wrote around it and created this realistic scene. I have to say that this tender scene between the siblings made me think about my own brother. It was sweet of Teddy to do that and it’s a nice moment to read about. I felt so sad reading about his father, though, mainly because it’s a sensitive topic. I just felt so bad for Teddy and his sister because maybe that’s what her terrors were about. I do wonder if Teddy goes through the same night terrors
Teddy had suffered many injuries from his father’s drunken rage. You missed an apostrophe here.
...she was dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and a dark pair of denim jeans hiding the marrings. marrings -- markings
With Teddy’s condition in mind, this line, “when he spoke freely not afraid,” spoke louder than any other sentence in this chapter. It’s powerful, it gives the readers a lasting impression and it’s emotionally pacted. You wrote this with such an impact and so I love it so dearly.
I just noticed a small typo in chapter one: “He could tell she had tried to cover it with makeup but had failed the red scratches on her jaw and throat also didn’t go unnoticed by her son.” This sentence is just missing a period, nothing major!
Reaching out the male touched his mother’s back causing her to jump. You missed an apostrophe here.
Laura spin her features twisted with fear however… spin -- spins
I just love it when I read about people getting ready / going to school and such. It gives me this realistic layer I crave for in stories. Makes it normal. His thoughts are relatable when he was walking to school and I enjoyed that the most because it’s what most kids do, you know? I also liked his thoughts on Romeo and Juliet -- it made me laugh! I liked that he called this classic pathetic
With this line, “He is not Fiona” there should be a comma after Fiona.
WAIT, SHE COULD BE KILLER QUEEN??? Is that a coincidence or what TANSY MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN, YO
...it was Tansy that he spoke to ever morning and ever night... ever -- every
At first Teddy had no real idea who he was talking to other then the fact that it was a girl and… then -- than
I actually love the way he would think about Ms. Killer Queen. It was cute and adorable. I especially liked that he slipped a note into her locker. That itself screams cute. I really like the way he sees her and picks up the minor details about her. I don’t normally see stories like this so it was nice.
With chapter one, we see Teddy’s personality at home; with chapter two, we get to see Teddy’s personality at school. I liked that there are two sides of the character. We don’t see much of this in other stories so of course, I am all for it. I did feel very sad reading about Teddy feeling this type of way and the way those kids approached him. No one should feel and go through something like this. This thought, “What do they want now?” gives me the impression that this often happens and it makes me even more heartbroken. Can I just say how much I already love Tansy for standing up to those guys???? I just dislike kids like Nelson so I was like YES YES YES TO TANSY. I did like how well she connected to Teddy, like classes and stuff. Again, what a nice realistic layer to this story.
Overall, I liked your transitions and the way you used the genre romance to your desire. I especially like your twists of communication. I suggest to look over (maybe even read it aloud) this again to catch the typos. It’s very minor and doesn’t pull the reader away from the plot. Teddy is precious and I love his character greatly. Very well job on this!
I have this huge, silly smile on my face by the end of chapter two. OH! Tansy is such a sweet girl! Poor Teddy! And it's established that I hate Nelson and his cronies. But awwww... this is so good and I love it! I can't wait for more, girl!
I am in love with the IM messages in the beginning of chapter one. Starting it like that just gives me the premise and feel of your potential plot and I love that. My favorite line has to be, “it’s only been like seven hours,” because it’s endearing. This tells me that the Killer_Queen already grew an attachment towards Nerdster maybe because he’s easy to be friends with? She had a strong / quick connection with him? IDK let’s find out
I think that the adding in his sister’s night terrors was a nice touch (NOT THE TERRORS ITSELF but the introduction herself) because it was a smooth way of introducing his family members. Rather than flatly writing about his family, you wrote around it and created this realistic scene. I have to say that this tender scene between the siblings made me think about my own brother. It was sweet of Teddy to do that and it’s a nice moment to read about. I felt so sad reading about his father, though, mainly because it’s a sensitive topic. I just felt so bad for Teddy and his sister because maybe that’s what her terrors were about. I do wonder if Teddy goes through the same night terrors
Teddy had suffered many injuries from his father’s drunken rage.
You missed an apostrophe here.
...she was dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and a dark pair of denim jeans hiding the marrings.
marrings -- markings
With Teddy’s condition in mind, this line, “when he spoke freely not afraid,” spoke louder than any other sentence in this chapter. It’s powerful, it gives the readers a lasting impression and it’s emotionally pacted. You wrote this with such an impact and so I love it so dearly.
I just noticed a small typo in chapter one:
“He could tell she had tried to cover it with makeup but had failed the red scratches on her jaw and throat also didn’t go unnoticed by her son.”
This sentence is just missing a period, nothing major!
Reaching out the male touched his mother’s back causing her to jump.
You missed an apostrophe here.
Laura spin her features twisted with fear however…
spin -- spins
I just love it when I read about people getting ready / going to school and such. It gives me this realistic layer I crave for in stories. Makes it normal. His thoughts are relatable when he was walking to school and I enjoyed that the most because it’s what most kids do, you know? I also liked his thoughts on Romeo and Juliet -- it made me laugh! I liked that he called this classic pathetic
With this line, “He is not Fiona” there should be a comma after Fiona.
WAIT, SHE COULD BE KILLER QUEEN???
Is that a coincidence or what
TANSY MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN, YO
...it was Tansy that he spoke to ever morning and ever night...
ever -- every
At first Teddy had no real idea who he was talking to other then the fact that it was a girl and…
then -- than
I actually love the way he would think about Ms. Killer Queen. It was cute and adorable. I especially liked that he slipped a note into her locker. That itself screams cute. I really like the way he sees her and picks up the minor details about her. I don’t normally see stories like this so it was nice.
With chapter one, we see Teddy’s personality at home; with chapter two, we get to see Teddy’s personality at school. I liked that there are two sides of the character. We don’t see much of this in other stories so of course, I am all for it. I did feel very sad reading about Teddy feeling this type of way and the way those kids approached him. No one should feel and go through something like this. This thought, “What do they want now?” gives me the impression that this often happens and it makes me even more heartbroken. Can I just say how much I already love Tansy for standing up to those guys???? I just dislike kids like Nelson so I was like YES YES YES TO TANSY. I did like how well she connected to Teddy, like classes and stuff. Again, what a nice realistic layer to this story.
Overall, I liked your transitions and the way you used the genre romance to your desire. I especially like your twists of communication. I suggest to look over (maybe even read it aloud) this again to catch the typos. It’s very minor and doesn’t pull the reader away from the plot. Teddy is precious and I love his character greatly. Very well job on this!