Dream - Comments

Seventeen mentions of the word "you" in that form and as "your". Yes, I counted them, but I did it for a reason. The sheer volume of it is really striking - that is shows the dominance, how the narrator's world almost completely exists around this mysterious person - you. With this overuse of the word (and its use in almost every sentence) you make such a powerful statement, and that's only further emphasised with the words themselves, of how the narrator isn't the one who could leave, no matter the violence, and of how they completely fell apart when they were left alone. It's very stark to see how clearly you've conveyed the bleak reality that many people suffer from, of how leaving is something not an option and of how someone can be manipulated to such an extent that they practically fall to pieces when they no longer have that person to rely on, like they've been conditioned to do.

I think the most powerful part of this is the thought that this could actually -- and does actually -- happen. So many people have to go through things like this and it's heartbreaking to read the narrator having to force their way through this and not make it out the other side in one piece. I feel like you've done a really good job of emotions in this, too. You've weaved it effortlessly throughout, in between the lines. There's no outright "I am sad" or "I am despairing", it's mentioned in the way that the narrator speaks and it's so blunt that it has a massive impact on the reader.

It's interesting how bare this is as well. I don't know if it's intentional, but I find the lack of description and flowery prose works so well with the subject matter. It almost gives the story this entire separate dimension -- she's a skeleton, and so is the prose.

Blunt, but emotive. Nice job.

Holy sh*t! This was a very powerful story. You left me speechless. I ended up crying at the end of this story. Your writing always takes my breath away.

This was really impactful.

It was blunt, but I feel like that was needed for a story like this. The subject matter is really intense and sad, and I felt like the tone of the story matched that which was nice to read.

Normally I'm a big fan of "moment in time" drabbles, but I liked that this was more spread out over a period of time. You were able to tell a full story in a small amount of words and that was great.

The only thing I wanted to say is sometimes I feel like you choose words that are sort of out of place with the rest of the story. For example:
but you can’t mess me up anymore.
Having "mess me up" in this sentence felt sort of awkward because the tone didn't really feel like it fit with the rest of the story. Having something like "you can't break me" or something like that would work a bit better, in my opinion.

Other than that, lovely job!

This was powerful. It really was. So much raw emotion only became stronger with each word that I read. Amazing, that's all I have to say to describe this.