Powerless - Comments

@ TheDevilsHalo;
Glad you liked it. (: Thank you!

This is really well written and each chapter leaves you wanting to read more. There's a lot of emotion in this story and I think you show it well.

@ twinArmageddons;
Thanks (:

The layout is really neat and honestly not terrible on the eyes. I think it is tasteful. As for the summary, it's intriguing. I'm curious to see how this will unfold.

Chapter One:
There's a pretty good amount of emotion in this chapter, and you do an amazing job presenting it. I also really like the way you established Adam's character not only as an illegitimate child, but as a person as well. You show how much he doesn't really want to marry her, but that he'll do it for the brother that he actually liked. But know I am curious as to how Ethan died. Will the same thing happen to Adam? Is it something to do with her? There are so many questions.

Overall, this is a really good start to this story. Keep up the great work!

@ inej ghafa
My God, thank you so much for this AMAZING, amazing comment <3 Thank you for taking the time for reviewing this, this has like, totally made my week!

I'll edit the mistake you pointed out (thx for that too) and I'm glad you liked it :D I actually wass going to introduce the romance part in the next chapter/update but got busy with work and stuff and couldn't complete it. Sorry xD

And thanks again <3 You're such a sweetheart

I really, really like the summary for this. It's really interesting and intriguing. It gives us enough information to set the story without giving too much information away. I am definitely interested in reading more to learn about Ava and Adam! I think the quotes you used also say a lot about the characters. All I'd say is to add a link to the contest in the summary

Chapter One

You have set up Adam's character immediately and you have done it so well. You can tell he is an aggressive person, or he at least has an aggressive personality. I noticed this when he noted that he could crush her with his hand, which probably isn't the usual thing someone would think when they saw someone I like that in the first few paragraphs you nail down Adam's character really well.

I like the detail and the descriptions you give. It gives us some information without either boring the reader or giving too much away. It makes me curious to know how Adam ended up in such a situation, or what the rest of his family is like (apart from the fact they have labelled him scum).

I actually find Adam to be a rather captivating and engaging character, so I like that the story is in his point of view because he's so interesting to read about. I want to learn so much more about him, like how he became so angry and aggressive, why he has sworn to destroy everything to do with his family name.

You ended his chapter with a kind of mic drop sentence, it was fantastic!

Chapter Two

The repetition near the start of this chapter is quite effective. You can really see that this is affecting Adam rather negatively, without you outright telling us this. So you do the 'show, not tell' principle really well. I also like not to this place where monsters lived beneath human skin. That was a really nice line, it actually gives me chills to think about what Adam's family is like.

You have really portrayed the conflict that Adam feels inside himself well, I really enjoy this kind of power struggle you portray within Adam, and between Adam and his horrid family.

I loved the way you described the setting of the manor, especially using the weather to almost give us a feel for what it's like being there. Though I think you were a little heavy on describing the manor as possessed or cursed, which you said in two different instances but I think just using the one descriptor would have done to set the tone and atmosphere of the manor. Though, you have painted a rather vivid picture and it's very easy to picture the surroundings, including the mansion.

Only the ones considered as royal members of the Lane family could reside in this building. I think you say a similar line in a previous paragraph, so I think keeping in here and then cutting it out earlier would be better, since otherwise it sounds a bit redundant

I like the links between Adam and the idea of the phoenix. You give us little snippets of Adam without giving us the whole character, which is really intriguing and clever of you.

That was a really good twist, the fact that he has changed his name completely and become a mercenary. It also reiterates the idea that he has recreated himself similarly to the idea of the phoenix. And the twist that (I think) he is out to get revenge on his old family was really interesting.

As he is walking through his old home you manage to hold the suspension really well. I'm really interested in Adam's struggle as well, because as I've said before he's a very captivating character and I really do want to learn more about him. As more of his old life comes to life, the way you describe the family and the manor becomes more obvious, the reason they are called monsters.

He couldn’t remember feeling sicker or more nauseated. - I think you could just keep it to more nauseated, since they mean around the same thing.

I love that Adam turned the tables on his family so effortlessly. There's something satisfying about it.

Chapter Three

Ohh, a switch of point of view. I was curious when Ava would play a bigger part

I actually like seeing Ava's interpretation of Adam and the differences with Ethan. You portray her struggle really well. She also fits into the trope of gentle girl really well, since she seems very fragile and sensitive like the girl in the trope normally should be so you've presented that really well. I like that the distinction between Adam and Ethan is in their eyes, because Adam is cold and (we can assume) Ethan is warm.

It's very interesting that they're using Adam to cover up the fact that Ethan has died. I have my suspicion that he was murdered, probably by the family, but you still hold the suspense and keep the questions back. It keeps me interested to read more.

Ava realising that they were using her for the second marriage was very powerful, you portrayed her emotions really well. This chapter overall has been a very emotion packed one and I think you portrayed the grief and the realisation really well. Oh, and the plot twist with the fact she is pregnant really got me. It's so sad that she lost both her husband and her child at the same time. You wrote the scene so heartbreakingly.

Oh, it's all coming together, now we're at the scene from the last chapter in Ava's point of view. I can barely imagine how she must have felt to see it all over again, in a way.

I actually liked having Ava's point of view to balance out Adam's quite aggressive and revenge-filled nature. She's a very emotional character that is easy to get attached to because of this. I hope good things come to her in the future, because at the moment she seems to be having a really terrible time.

Overall, this was a wonderful piece!

Overall

I think in terms of characters, you handled the chosen trope really well. However, there wasn't much romance to be scene. I imagine it may turn up in the future, but in the first three chapter there seems to be no romance apart from the love Ava has for Ethan. However, this story is very well written and compelling, the plot is really interesting and you're handling it really well. This was a really good entry for the contest!

And, the layout is very nice! Though the banner is a bit trippy

@ RiotGurl
You're so sweet to let me know how you felt about the third chapter. Was really insecure about that one xD You've inspired me to update now haha. Thanks a million for your comment

Wow!! Just finished up the third chapter. Adam is replacing his dead brother. How interesting
I'm really excited to learn more about the family and what makes them so powerful and wealthy.
I feel bad for Ava. That scene when she remembers her husband's /baby's dead....
Ugh. My heart is breaking for her.

@ RiotGurl
Thank you so much! I hope you keep enjoying You totally made my day! :D

Hi there,

Stepping in to say I read chapter one and, Oh the drama ..*gasps*
Black sheep bad boy who is hell bent on destroying his family, sounds like the start to a good romance novel.
I'm really excited to continue this and discover why the sister in law is marrying Adam. Family pressure. Is this some type of mob situation?
Adam seems to love his brother who passed away.
I'm interested to delve into what's made him so bitter. Was he abused or just generally treated like shit?

Chapter two....
Got about half way through. Long chapters scare me!! I loved the opening. You could really feel Adam's dread as he walked up to the mansion.
Then he pulled his confident face on and I liked the comparison to the Phoenix.

Then, holy shit batman. You ripped my world into tiny little peices.:


He's a killer? What????
I promise to continue reading, but I need to take this in for a moment.

@ Midna the Dark
Hiii!
Thank you for the amazing comment I'm sorry for the late reply, I have been outside the city and stuff. But thank you very much. You totally made my day!
I'll update by tomorrow :))

I love the beautiful layout, and find the banner stunning. As for the story itself, I'm eager to know where it's going. I Hope to find out the root of Adam's hatred and the thoughts of the remarried widow. I enjoy your writing style, it makes me feel as though I have a printed copy before me, holding the spine of the book in my hand. I've only felt that way for a handful of stories, so I'm thoroughly impressed.

Update soon, please!

@ PoeticMess.
Hey! First off, thank you so much for the comment. It means a lot! To be honest, I was waiting for someone to comment and let me know about the second chapter. Every time I read it myself, something felt off. Now I know
I was planning on renaming Ripper Didn't realize he was the serial killer until I read about Jack in my psychology class yesterday Its been bothering me ever since. And yep, you're right. Him being a mercenary is technological/ weapons stuff Thanks a million!
Also, his reaction to Ava, i guess it came off as absurd because the first chapter lacked description. I'll edit them first thing after class today :D also, would you please help me out? I mean if I'm stuck at some points in the story, will it be ok to ask you for help?
Thank you!!
You definitely made my morning, so thanks for that. Have a good day!

Hey! The summary on this got me really excited for it! I definitely thought it would be focused on Ava's point of view and start with her reaction to him, but it surprised me when it jumped into the wedding and then continued with Adam.

At first I thought the second chapter was a little much because of how many scenes it is and his flashback things, but when I went back and reread it didn't seem as overwhelming as I thought. The only thing that bothered me though, was the use of the term "The Ripper". It reminds me of Jack the Ripper and Stefan from Vampire Diaries. You might want to come up with a more unique term. "The Ripper" just makes me think of him tearing people apart limb from limb, and if he's a mercenary, that feels more like technological / weapon combat to me.

Anyway, it's just a suggestion!

Lastly, there were just a couple of odd phrases! Something minor, is that you said "he lighted a cigarette" rather than "he lit a cigarette". The other thing was when he sees his wife.

He had seen her before.

Ah. He remembered.

It was his wife.

I think it's weird that he wouldn't immediately remember her. I think instead of phrasing it that way you could draw parallels to the way she looked on their wedding day (since she's not described much in the first chapter), so that there's the connection between her being his wife and how he felt about her the day they were married. I think it would bring a lot into the story. :)

I really like this so I'm going to subscribe! I'm excited to see where this goes. :)

@ Proud Saiyan Warrior
Stevie!! Stevie!! Stevie!! Stevie!! Stevie!! Man, I haven't seen you in ages!! Where have you been girl?
I MISSED YOU! LIKE HELL!!!
Oh my God, how are you? I'm soryy for the late reply, I was just caught up in school work. bleh.

And man, you are one creature that can have me dancing. Thank you so much! I was actually deliberating on whether to continue this or leave it be. But thanks to you, I think I'll update today. I love you Stevie! I haven't had this good a comment for years it seems haha Thanks for the goody goody feeling I have right now xD

Okay Im getting creepy. I know that xD But I've missed you. ;) Let's catch up sometime. I want to ask so many things! How's Adalia? And does she remember me (and Hina?) I remmeber she typed our names once in the chat haha

O.O I'm talking lots ain't I? Haha, thanks again, and I love you!

OH MY GAWD WHAT IS THIS!? ANOTHER STORY FROM TIPSY!? <3

Dude, first of all; Love the colour scheme. Your summary got me so fired up I was like 'oh shit yeah', and of course - You never let me down. I'm so keen for the rest of this man!

I want to hear more about Adam! He seems really interesting, like he's a really hard life - Reminds of that tv show Revenge only this is more interesting because wedding eekkkk!

Keep this one up girl, it's golden! Can't wait to read more! x

Naw it's okay, we all have our reasons. :)

@ champion;
Hey champ! Nice to see you again!
Yeah, its kinda alike. And sorry for suddenly disappearing again.

powerless like the song???
I will read this later!