Did You Mourn? - Comments

The summary is catching. Somewhat vague in a mildly confusing sense to me (I had to re-read it a couple times to really get it), but it does draw me in.

Chapter One:
This is definitely introspective. There are so many questions. It's interesting, but at the same time, I'm not sure about giving details via continuous questions unless it's written in first person.

I definitely think this piece would hold more power, darkness, and chilling features had it been written in first person. It does a very good job of letting the reader into the mind of Loki and his develution into madness, but would have been much more impactful if it were actually from his perspective.

As Average Lifestyle said, I do appreciate the lower amount of commas in this piece, but there are still a few too many in certain spots.

Overall though, this is a very interesting premise and I think you did a good job of it. Well done.

Like I said on your other entry, I'm not super knowledgable about the Marvel universe. SO, I actually really liked that this gave so much detail on Thor and Loki's histories and their relationship to each other and Odin. I feel like Thor makes more sense to me now

It was both sad and disturbing to see Loki go spiraling into insanity and I feel like you did a good job showcasing the darkness and tumultuousness of his thoughts. The ending was also really ominous. I think my only issue is with the font, but that's probably just me because cursive style letters have always bothered my eyes.

Again though, I feel like you really got in depth with the Loki and Thor backstory and really showed Loki's feelings toward Thor and Odin and I liked that.

This is an intriguing and gripping start to your story. I really enjoy the line: it was too late for him now – he was already traveling through the void of time and space.

A typo I did catch: "Loki, no[,]" Thor pleaded. > When you have dialogue, you need to have a comma to close your dialogue.

I do have to admit, I'm not well-versed in Thor/Loki. While this piece is ringing some bells, it's also managing to tell a story without me being confused about what all the dynamics are, which is great.

I like that this piece is a lot of introspection. It's almost like a "life-flashing before his eyes" kind of deal.

I also noticed that you cut back on commas this round. Nice job with that!

This is a good line here: Now, now, in his rambling thoughts, he felt that spark of darkness within him grow.

All in all, this sounds like a nice prequel to something. I enjoyed reading through his thoughts and seeing him progress as a character through such a short piece. Nice job!

@ NegroLeo
Eh, you're right I do, but I wanted to show a consistency with his character with how he goes over the same thoughts in his head as they warp throughout the story.

This was deep. You gave an indepth look at what really caused Loki to turn on his brother and the way you made his madness grow was genius. I really liked this one my only concern is that you seemed to repeat more then a few lines a couple times during the whole thing.