Loss - Comments

  • hangsang.

    hangsang. (210)

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    Summary:
    I love the simplicity and impact the summary packs. I can already tell this story is going to be a tearjerker, and I'm so ready.

    Chapter One:
    Okay, so I adore the way you started this out. It definitely pulled me in and kept me there.

    I'm definitely wondering why Mr. and Mrs. Evans blamed the narrator for their son's death.

    I'm not Catholic either, nor have I actually been to a funeral, so I can't say how accurate it was. However, I can say that you definitely packed emotion into it, which, in my opinion, is one of the most important parts about writing a funeral scene.

    Chapter Two:
    The fact that Kayden doesn't blame the narrator speaks volumes. It shows that he really knows them where Adam's parents didn't. I really liked that.

    I'm not sure how I feel about Adrienne approaching Audrey and then inviting her home. If Audrey thought Adrienne was blaming her she probably thought it for good reason, imo.

    I'm nervous, but excited to see what the letter holds.

    Chapter Three:
    The little blurb you gave about Adam and his music was really nice to read. It's like Audrey is remembering the good about him which is always good during times like that.

    Reading the letter made me cry. I wish I could say more about it, but that would require reading over it again and whew, I don't think my heart would be able to take that...

    God, the flashback was hard to read as well, but I loved the ending. You were able to wrap things up so well. I'm definitely curious to know what happens, but I really like the way you ending things openly. It helps me imagine what could be/what could have been, and I really appreciate that.

    I didn't see any mistakes in this, and it was super smooth in terms of reading. Well done!
    October 2nd, 2016 at 10:08pm
  • mrs.stiglitz4207

    mrs.stiglitz4207 (100)

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    This is such a tearjerker. I'm at work and man, did the tears try to flow. I love how the emotion just runs deep in this. The story telling is fantastic and it's got a musical element to it. It flows in such a way that keeps you hooked and wanting to read more. I love it very much you did a fabulous job.
    September 26th, 2016 at 06:42pm
  • Sam Rose

    Sam Rose (100)

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    This was both beautiful and sad. I love how much emotion you pushed into this. At several parts, I found myself holding back some tears.

    Audrey's thought process throughout the story was heartbreaking, and the couple of moments when she really broke down were really well placed. I really felt for her and felt her loss. It all felt so real.
    August 16th, 2016 at 03:06am
  • PoeticMess.

    PoeticMess. (150)

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    To start, I just want to say that the layout is lovely and I really like the aesthetics of the summary.

    As for the first chapter, it was beautifully written. You really do a wonderful job of showing how number our main character is and how muted, but honest, her reactions to the funeral are. It's very realistic (I'm not Catholic but it feels like a Catholic funeral), very deeply religious (the detailing is great).

    I am a bit confused though because I didn't get the impression that it was slash right from the get go (is it slash?). You saying the author's note at the end of the first chapter that you haven't written slash before though which makes it sound like this is a slash.

    Also, in the summary, the face claims are laid out as two different people (Adam • Evans) but it's just one guy right? Adam Evans and his twin brother, Kayden Evans? But again, in the author's note, you call him Evan?

    Chapter two kind of sorts things out for me. Not a slash then.

    THE LETTER. What was that about!? I didn't know what killed him in the first couple of chapters but I was leaning towards an accident, like a car crash or something. I'm definitely surprised that it's suicide rather than accidental. I'm even more surprised by what he wrote. Pushing her towards his brother was a bit out-there for me, simply because he's in love with her. The last line in his letter also threw me.

    "Someday someone will love you in the ways I lacked the ability to. Until then, remember that I love you." It feels hypocritical only because he's saying "I couldn't love you right/completely, but remember that I love you - until you find someone righter for you". At least that's the feel I get from it. I definitely think rewording it could make it much smoother.

    The last line was definitely my favorite in the whole piece. It's subtle and beautiful and quietly tells us how much Kayden thinks of her, whether he just thinks she's wonderful or there's something more there, we don't really know, which is ambiguous and beautiful.

    Overall, I really liked this a lot. I like that it's a rewrite of someone else's work (which I haven't read), but that you put your own spin on it. Like I said, I was confused by a few details, but it was still a good read!
    August 9th, 2016 at 07:13am
  • DanniiDisasterr

    DanniiDisasterr (100)

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    I didn't know what to expect when I clicked on this story, but I'm glad I clicked on it. This is so beautifully written and it pulls at my heart strings. The way you've conveyed loss in this story pulls out all of the emotional stops. I love that we don't get a back story because it makes everything that much more emotional. To fall in love with a character takes time for me, but these few characters in this have just stolen my heart. You've done a wonderful job.
    March 25th, 2016 at 10:30am
  • Katie Mosing

    Katie Mosing (33815)

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    WAIT A MINUTE STOP. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE A SAD STORY WITH H STYLES AS A FACE CLAIM. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!! Cry But omg the sheer passion and emotion in this story is just incredible. As soon as Audrey was talking about wearing her dead finance's shirt I just couldn't handle it. I don't know if it's because I'm engaged and I can just relate to this so much but this real hit home for me. I can't even imagine the pain that Audrey would be going through, and especially to see her finance's twin standing in front of her. That would just be so rough and such a mix of emotions. You did an incredible job showing the characters in this story and the impact they've made on one another's lives. AMAZING BUT DON'T DO THIS TO ME ANYMORE ITS TOO SAD OKAY. NOT FAIR TO KATIE.
    March 21st, 2016 at 05:29pm
  • Katie Mosing

    Katie Mosing (33815)

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    WAIT A MINUTE STOP. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE A SAD STORY WITH H STYLES AS A FACE CLAIM. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!! Cry But omg the sheer passion and emotion in this story is just incredible. As soon as Audrey was talking about wearing her dead finance's shirt I just couldn't handle it. I don't know if it's because I'm engaged and I can just relate to this so much but this real hit home for me. I can't even imagine the pain that Audrey would be going through, and especially to see her finance's twin standing in front of her. That would just be so rough and such a mix of emotions. You did an incredible job showing the characters in this story and the impact they've made on one another's lives. AMAZING BUT DON'T DO THIS TO ME ANYMORE ITS TOO SAD OKAY. NOT FAIR TO KATIE.
    March 21st, 2016 at 05:28pm
  • Michael Westen

    Michael Westen (450)

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    I should of known I'd end up crying. This was just so beautifully done. Even without the back story you somehow managed to twist up my heartstrings and pull.

    I'm a bit confused at why one second Audrey is claiming that Adam's parents are sending her looks, when not too long after his mother is wrapping her up in her arms and comforting her. Perhaps it's just how she's feeling about herself at the time and she's deflecting? I don't know.

    The letter to Audrey was absolutely heart breaking. It's so tragic and beautiful and I almost hate you for it (but of course I don't, I love you for it).

    I want to say so much more but my recommendation is going to have to do that for me. Absolutely wonderful piece of writing.
    March 16th, 2016 at 04:58am
  • abigail.

    abigail. (400)

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    I absolutely love how you've taken direct quotes from mine, but still made it so original. I'm surprisingly pleased to see that you've changed to a hetero couple instead of keeping it a slash. And you've still managed to keep the emotion I was trying to convey, and make it even better.

    I am just all around an incredibly happy person right now.
    February 22nd, 2016 at 06:34am
  • abigail.

    abigail. (400)

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    This is so much better than the original like omg
    I don't even know how you write my stories better than I do but I'm very thankful for that haha.
    February 21st, 2016 at 06:33pm