Infamous - Comments

Hey guys! In relation to the comment before this one, I'm the author of BOTH stories. This story is a rewrite of my story with the same name. The original version is still posted on Mibba and you can find it in my story list. So I am not plagiarizing anyone else.

Funny how there is a book almost identical to this already written. Most of the same names as well

I think the first chapter is an interesting way to start this story - you establish the dynamics of the family very thoroughly, so I assume it will be pretty important later. While I do like Dad & the family, they sure do put a lot of stress on Atti! Through her responsibilities, and how she willingly takes them on, you do a nice job at establishing her character: she's patient, warm, relatively extroverted. Also shown in the fact she works at a daycare! (I would not be able to handle that lol.) It's nice to see this type of character - she's very different and refreshing from other girls in stories like this.

While I like the first two chapters and I feel like it does a nice job introducing the characters and dynamic, they move a hair slow, and if need be, could probably be cut into one chapter. That's a personal preference thing. I open stories like this too, so I'm patient enough wait for the plot to kick in, but it may be a turn off for some. Just a thought to consider when you go through your next draft haha.

"I thought their singer was in prison?" >> Oh boy. Nice hook, line, and sinker.

Ch 3 - "he qualified"/"I distinguished" -- I'm a nit-picker when it comes to dialogue tags. Said, asked, yelled, etc - really simple dialogue tags usually work the best. It may seem repetitive at first, but when I'm reading, the tag doesn't really matter much and I think I notice it more when it's more obscure things, like distinguished or qualified. Usually, you're able to infer the tone the character is using. Again, it comes down to preference, but "said" is always a safe bet.

Also, this is a very intense first conversation! Woo, I like the tension aha.

A quick punctuation note: “I already apologized for that,” I retorted[.] “You said it was fine, so you can’t hold it over my head now.”
"..." I retorted, "[y]ou..."
So if you're going to have a "dialogue sandwich" as I call them, either the sentence ends at the end of the dialogue tag with a period (first example), or the sentence continues via comma, so there's no capital letter in the dialogue (second example).

Ah! and this nonsense with the babysitting. Dad is testing MY patience right now. Atticus is such a trooper!

I love all of this:
“It’s sort of a ‘you didn’t die in prison’ type of thing, y’know?”

“Is it prison themed?” I asked, "because I’ve got a killer naughty police officer costume.” I stopped myself from smiling so I could watch the gears turn in their heads while they contemplated if I was being serious or not.

Finally, Riley spoke slowly. “No, but if you want to dress up for the occasion, by all means, don’t let technicalities stop you. I’m all for a little role-play here and there.”

They've got a really nice rapport from the beginning, and you've established Riley right off the bat. Very nice job!

I'll wrap this comment up because it's getting long lol but I dig this! Definitely subscribing and finishing what's posted so far. Nice job!

sooo good!

sooo good!

Loved the update!!!

I agree with delirium. I love how unique the names are -- I LOVE THEM! it really pisses me off how her dad just expects her to do it. Like I get he has a job and junk, but so does Atticus. If it wasn't the most precious baby ever -- I'd be pissed. haha. I definitely can't wait for another chapter! Subbing!!

loving this. good job so far!! cant wait for more :)

I really love how uique the names anar and it seems your writing has improved a lot. Was good to begin with but still. Lovin the chemistry between Atticus and Rhys but also between Atticus and her dad. Its nice to see someone building a life for a character instead of just automatically thowing them at the main guy.

I did notice just a few typos. In first chapter theres a line that should say touché, think the e jumped ship. And in the third when Atticus is smiling at her dad you have "once of his clients" instead of one. Rather minor typos. Rascally letters I tell y.

Hope the story continues. And I give major props to Atticus. Being around kids all day and having to babysit all the time. Id go insane. Lol. Keep up the amazing work! Ill be looking forward to the updates.

Thanks for your comment on "Dreamscape"! :) I'm happy to return the favour.

I really enjoyed this story! The premise is interesting - I have seen similar stories before, but you made it feel very fresh. I'm glad that Atticus has a life outside of just being her father's daughter. I also really liked that Jed seemed a bit more reserved and calm than his band mates - this feels like a good match for Atticus, to me.

I have only a couple of little notes for you, but I'm nit-picking here so don't worry too much about it :) Try to watch your contractions, as very occasionally you mix them up (their/they're, your/you're etc.) When talking about looking in to a room, you would use the word 'peek' not 'peak' (don't worry too much about this one, this is just a pet peeve of mine! Pretty silly). I'm not sure if you write directly to Mibba or to a word processing program first, as everyone has their own method, but if you write through Word first there's a find and replace function that will sort out issues like changing character names. I noticed you had 'Nico' instead of 'Nova' a couple of times.

Lastly, on your writing style, I did find that particularly in the earlier chapters, you have a tendency to write shorter sentences and to often begin them with a personal pronoun. When you have a lot of these type of sentences together, they can start to sound a little transactional, and it removes some emotion and quirk from your writing. You could maybe try combining a few sentences to make them longer, or rephrasing them so that the personal pronoun is moved or removed. I'll give you a quick example to show you what I mean:

"I crossed the hall to my dad’s room and lightly knocked on the door frame. He was standing at the entryway to his bathroom and spoke without turning around to face me. “Hey, Atti, could you get the baby up for me? I’m running really behind.”

I stepped into the room. “I’m already on it,” I said, setting her down so she could stand on his bed and hold onto my hands."

could become

"Crossing the hallway to my dad’s room, I poked my head in to his open door and lightly knocked on the door frame. He was standing at the entryway to his bathroom and spoke without turning around to face me.

“Hey, Atti, could you get the baby up for me? I’m running really behind.”

“I’m already on it,” I said, stepping in to the room and setting her down feet first on the bed. This way she could stand and still hold on to my hands."

I hope that was a little help! Of course, the above suggestion is really a matter of personal preference. I did find that your writing got a little more fluid in this respect as I read through, and by chapter 4 I was getting a better idea of Atticus' 'voice' rather than just her story. I liked this, though! I'll be interested to see where it goes :)

I really do love their chemistry. And Atticus is such a bad ass lol, great update!!

I'm so excited for this! I feel for Atticus because she's always putting everyone else first.

*tries to reccomend 500 times*

I hope updates are frequent. I'm so excited to read this.

Loved the first chapter. Thea seems to have a bit of an attitude. ah, the joys of being 15