Arirea - Comments

  • Average Lifesaver;;

    Average Lifesaver;; (655)

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    YES! Okay. I totally adored Cevin and I'm so excited.

    First paragraph and you totally have me hooked. The same thing happened with Cevin. I'd remember to comment when I was significantly further down the page.

    I did catch this -- "...that sat next to the material and hauled it towards his head." -- I think you could say "hurled" rather than "hauled." That's a small tweak, but that would be because the writing in this is fantastic and doesn't need much editing, honestly.

    Oh man. That ending.

    You did a fantastic job with Arirea in this - she had such a distinct personality and a subtle bad-assery that truly shined at the end.

    The only thing I could slightly critique is that I really didn't expect that Reeve would have betrayed them to that extent - the plot twist is good, but it felt like it tied up a little too quickly. Maybe I missed some of the subtle details where you alluded to that, but I don't think it would hurt to make her a little more suspicious.

    The flow of this was really well done - you balanced description and dialogue well and the ending gave me chills.

    Great job with this!
    March 10th, 2016 at 12:38am
  • Shirogane

    Shirogane (100)

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    NaNoWriMo 2016
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    The summary is quite ambiguous, which serves its purpose of drawing me in. I do also like that you stated it could be read as a standalone and that you were able to continue on from your first prompt with the new one. Kudos!

    Chapter One:
    There is be a fortnight... should be There is to be a fortnight...

    Your characterization for each character is very nice, giving them distinct movements and personalities just in this small bit alone. I enjoy your descriptions; they really help to set the scene. My question is, is the process of her getting things around to clean the floor absolutely necessary or could you simply put down her thoughts instead of describing her motions? Just a thought.

    One thing to note is that you don't stay consistent with the speech patterns. You alternate between more formal/old speech and more modern/informal speech at odd times. Just keep an eye out for that.

    Interesting ending to the first chapter. I like that you implied these two had history. It's making me wonder exactly what sort of history they had.

    Chapter Two:
    Oooooh. Romantic past. Yes, good. Damn though. Reeve is an asshole. He could have at least written. I do like that you describe why Arirea has such vehement hatred toward soldiers. It's nice having a look into that.

    A hanging? Was Arirea the one who facilitated it? I would think so due to the note.

    Huh. That was not the ending I was expecting. It was a nice twist at the end. You built it up well and delivered it at the right moment.

    Overall, it was a good read. Be careful about comma placement as you were missing quite a few, but that's about the only thing other than what I've already mentioned. Good job!
    March 9th, 2016 at 06:42am
  • NegroLeo

    NegroLeo (100)

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    Wow that was dark. I thought it would get better since the beginning was okay somewhat but then it just all flipped on me. Honestly I was a little shocked at the ending. It was really good I liked it just wow.
    March 7th, 2016 at 06:17pm