August 14th, 2016 at 11:18pm
Okay, so the first thing I noticed is the fact that this is a sequel. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about this because I'm going into the story blindly without any knowledge of what happened in the previous story. That alone can turn a lot of people off from commenting on your story. Just a note for next time.
While I do like how short and sweet the summary is, you're missing a few commas, which makes it all seem pretty rushed.
Chapter One
If you're quoting song lyrics, you should probably put credit beneath it. It won't throw off the story, I promise. I see a lot of people quote quotes all the time at the beginnings of their stories.
I'm pretty familiar with The Walking Dead, so I know of all the characters mentioned. However, there are other people that don't. I would strongly recommend against jumping right into the action and introducing so many characters and everything, if that makes sense. Bring the reader in slowly and give them time to get to know the characters at least a little.
One thing I automatically noticed is how fast you move everything along. One second it's a life or death situation and the next it's Daryl yelling at Nicole. It's really hard to keep up with what's going on, especially since you keep talking about feelings, which I'm assuming were things she was thinking in the prequel.
I didn't understand what you were trying to say here.
- Quote
- She got far into the compound and the sight that greeted her was heart wrenching. All of her cousin’s men where now walker fodder. She ran through them looking for any sign of her family. There was none.
You changed your point-of-view quite a bit, the chapter moved entirely too fast (as I said above), and it was just super hard to keep up with it all. You didn't get to see any characterization and the biggest thing this is missing is emotion. I would've loved to have cried with Nicole or felt her anger, but I just couldn't.
I really do think you have something nice laid out here, but I think it needs a lot of editing and work. I wish you the best of luck.
Wow! So much happened in that first chapter. You really just jumped into the story.
It's great that there was a lot of different relationships going on here. I think that helps to make the story a little more complex and give it a little more depth. It looks like all the relationships are complicated - like the relationship between Nicole and Daryl or Nicole and her brother.
Starting with action was great. I felt like I was thrown into the story headfirst and it got me a little amped up. I like that your descriptions were straightforward and not so detailed that it was overwhelming. It was just enough.