Paradise - Comments

  • Ghoul Scouts

    Ghoul Scouts (165)

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    Magazine Staff
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    29
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    United States
    I really enjoyed this piece. My favorite thing about it was how realistic it was. I liked how you described so much running through the main characters mind as they are about to pull off his big mood. I find myself doing the same thing when I am about to do something big. Also, the details in this were spot on and very descriptive.
    September 29th, 2017 at 10:33pm
  • kaul hilo

    kaul hilo (100)

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    Ghoul of 2016
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    27
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    United Kingdom
    I'm amazed at how well the quote and the layout fit together? It's like they were made for each other, since the vibe and tone of the quote, to me, is the exact same as the vibe of the layout you've made for this. It really does draw me in and intrigue me to what this piece is going to be about.

    Chapter One

    It's weird, because even before the slow motion quote that features in the summary, I was kind of imagining this in an rather slow motion way. Everyone just seemed very calm and slow - I mean, the atmosphere is, of course, a club, which is the opposite of calm and slow, but the narrator's voice most definitely is. Plus the way he says he can hear the other boy's laugh right in his ear, I can just imagine this whole scene in slow motion. Like the whole club is blurred around him except for the boy he's after.

    I love the way that this short piece is just a stream of consciousness - it just fits so perfectly with the vibe of the story you've set up. I also think it helps the reader grasp the character even more, since you manage to build and develop him so perfectly through the stream of consciousness narration. The way you've written it also flows naturally as well, there's no parts that were awkward or chunky to read.

    Mental note: tell mom about this later. She's gonna wanna know.

    Shit, did I feed my dog?

    - These two lines really made me laugh, his thought process is so realistic and humorous.

    I love the 'I don't give a shit attitude' of the narrator. It's actually really amusing to read about, I really like his narrative voice because it is in no way boring. No matter what he says, his lines and his thoughts never fall flat for me, they are full of life and personality. You really grasp and capture the personality of the character so well and the fact it is a stream of consciousness only adds to that.

    I loved the kiss between them. There was something subtly raw and passionate about it, I was actually really rooting for Marco this entire time, since he seemed pretty determined XD And can I say, I love how you didn't make a big deal about them being gay. It was just so natural and not a big deal, because it shouldn't be, which is such a refreshing touch compared to some gay stories I've read before.

    Overall, a wonderful piece!! Actually one of my favourites~

    Overall

    I loved this short piece. It was humorous, it was full of so much personality and I loved the stream of consciousness aspect to add to the characters, the tone and the atmosphere. There was something just so wonderful about this piece, it flowed well and everything about it felt so natural and everything fit together so well. I also loved that they were just gay, no big deal, it was really nice. Basically, I absolutely love love love this.
    June 8th, 2016 at 03:26am
  • swell

    swell (150)

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    Member
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    29
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    Australia
    HELLO I am here to judge for my contest!

    I really love what you've written for this. The song fits the one shot perfectly and when I was listening to it while reading this I was just like DAMN THIS FITS SO WELL. I loved the stream of consciousness, it was hilarious to read and so realistic with the freaking out and being nervous to remembering random things like feeding the dog and then switching suddenly to wanting to tell his mum about this, which I thought was hella cute.

    I'm on a mission, girl. HAHA. LOVE THE SASS.

    The ending was cute, I wasn't sure what I expected since the song is quite moody but I'm always a fan of a happy ending, and you definitely delivered. If I had any criticisms, I'd say I wasn't entirely sure how the title related to the story (but I can see how it relates to the song, so it's all g). Otherwise, great job and thank you for entering my contest Cute
    April 29th, 2016 at 05:44pm
  • losing control.

    losing control. (4250)

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    Board Moderator
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    29
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    Canada
    YAS MARCO. YOU GO, MARCO.

    I loved the stream of consciousness feeling this has. It was like Marco was talking to me but he was kinda talking to himself and it was really cool to read.

    The dog part was the greatest, I feel like Marco is me lmfao and the kiss part was just In Love LOVED IT GIRL.
    April 11th, 2016 at 07:48am