Damn, Daniel - Comments

this is so great awwww omg you did a dialogue-only story so well
kimi and daniel are so cute <3

The summary is short, sweet and to the point, so the reader's know exactly what to expect. With a story like this, there isn't really a need to intrigue or hook - people will just automatically want to read the story between Daniel and Kimi when they read the summary. I also love the layout, but Kara is queen at those so it's expected

Chapter One

I love that this story is going to be entirely in dialogue. I think for a story like this it fits, and it gives it a very personal feel, I think. Dialogue is probably one of the best places to show what a character is like and to really help the reader get to grips with their personality, which you've done absolutely great in the first four lines of this chapter alone. The humour between them was so natural, you really know how to make your dialogue flow well so that nothing sounds unnatural, forced or clunky.

“Damn, Daniel!”

“Can you believe you are not the first person to make that joke?”
- This bit was really funny.

The banter between them is just absolutely golden. I can imagine this conversation just being so quick and snappy, just one retort after another. I think it really lets the personalities of the characters shine through and I find it easy to grow attached to both of the characters, in a way. Or at least I definitely want to continue reading more about them and see how their relationship progresses (I bet it progresses cutely okay). And I just want to add - I like the little pauses like 'uh' in the dialogue, since it makes it seem more natural to me.

Chapter Two

I love the contrast within their personalities, which I feel is highlighted in this chapter particularly (I say this before properly reading the rest). I just like that Daniel seems far more softer and introverted, whereas Kimi seems a lot more extroverted and, as you describe her, 'chipper'. And the fact that you are able to show this in the dialogue alone? Excellent. You have really managed to get to grips with the character, that the reader doesn't really need anything but dialogue. We are free to picture our own world, whilst truly knowing the characters.

“Mine’s Jan 7th, in case you were wondering.”

“I wasn’t.”
- I loved this bit. Basically, I'll probably point out a part I found particularly funny in each chapter.

I think you capture the tones of the characters really well, too. I can almost tell just how they are saying each line, like the tone they are using. Usually in stories people would use body language to convey tone and emotion, but I think you do it perfectly through dialogue instead, which is really awesome.

“Oh, shut up Daniel.” - I think there should be a comma after 'shut up', but I'm not entirely sure. For more realistic effect maybe not, but grammatically? I'm useless

Chapter Three

Aww, their relationship is progressing from sarcasm and 'we were forced together' to 'I guess I don't really mind you that much'. You can also really notice how closed off Daniel is just from the way he speaks. He tends to use a lot of pauses and fillers in the dialogue which really nicely ties in with the fact that he is an introverted character naturally. Whereas I've noticed that Kimi tends to use a lot less filler, which perhaps shows she is more confident or at least sure in what she is saying, unlike Daniel.

I liked that now Daniel's confidence shines through when he turns the tables, now that the camera is no longer on him, but now it is on Kimi. This chapter was actually a good transition from the humour we've been seeing in the previous chapters, and I think the subtle hints of 'sadness' in the previous chapters really helped build up to this one. I think this also subtly shows that they are more comfortable with each other, since they both seem to be opening up that little bit more.

“At least you’re being honest.”

“One of us has to.”
- Not pointing out a funny moment, but I loved how you ended the chapter. You displayed Daniel's vulnerability so well and I really feel sympathetic towards him.

Chapter Four

“Oh yeah. Oops.” - I think there should be a comma after 'oh'.

“So. My turn. State your full name for the purpose of this project.’

“Kimiko Sexy-Woman.”
- I can actually imagine Kimi saying something like this

I loved learning more about Kimi's character this chapter. I feel that we did get a bit from the previous ones, since we definitely did get a good taste of her personality through her dialogue and the way she would speak to Daniel, but now we are really getting deeper into her character and her personality. I just love the fact we've now flipped it, so Daniel is no longer behind the camera. He seems a lot more confident when he isn't the one being filmed, which I can definitely relate to.

God, this chapter was so cute it gave me cavities. The bouncing back and forth dialogue between them was just perfect, and you have slowly and subtly developed their relationship so well over the past few chapters and I'm so excited to see it develop even further. I like how natural the humour is, too.

The ending of this chapter was rather heartbreaking, though. Just when I thought we were getting closer and would be able to open up about our issues, everything becomes sad again. Alex, why?

Chapter Five

I really hate the fact they are arguing, or that the conversation has hit a rather tense point. Obviously, I don't hate it writing wise, it's just hurting me. Though the transition through the chapter was so just wonderful, I'm really glad that they made up with one another. You can really see this bond forming between them, almost one of trust. I feel like they'd be able to share things with one another, and the characters are starting to come out of their shells in more ways than one.

Also I’m sorry that I upset you the other day. - There should be a comma after 'also'.

This chapter was super cute. At first it was sad, but you really did capture the emotions really well, so well that in a way I felt what they were feeling. And this was the same for when they hit a happier note at the end of the chapter and hugged it out. I'm really rooting for Kimi and Daniel here.

Chapter Six

Yess! I love how the chapter established immediately that the barriers have been broken down between them. They are more comfortable with each other now and are willing to open up, which is evident in the change in dialogue. I think the way they interact has subtly changed from what it was in the first chapter, since they seem far more friendly and casual with one another now. Daniel uses far less fillers and pauses, which really shows the confidence growth in Daniel as he gets closer to Kimi.

the females stay at home - I think 'women' would sound better than 'females', since females sounds a little weird and breaks the flow of the dialogue.

Kimi opening up to Daniel was so sweet. The larger chunks of dialogues really demonstrated that they really are more comfortable with one another. The difference between when they started the project now is so astounding, but also incredibly sweet with how close they have gotten in the short period of time. And I think Daniel's response to Kimi opening up was just as sweet, as you can really see how supportive he is.

but if there’s anyone that I can see being a doctor, it’s you?” - it should be a full stop, not a question mark.

Daniel teasing Kimi just like she did to him in the first chapter was amazing! I love that we have somehow come full circle with this. And we all know that Kimi likes Daniel like that, she just needs to admit it to him already. And also, I was so happy to find that they are going to the same uni!

Chapter Seven

Oh man, the final chapter. This chapter felt like true closure, you can really feel that things have changed and they have learnt things about one another whilst the story has progressed - or, for them, whilst their project has progressed. You can really see how well they have gotten to know one another, how much more comfortable they are with one another now that they have finished an entire project together. I also love how they basically reacted the same to the 'crush' incident, the parallels between Daniel in the first chapter and Kimi in the last chapter were absolutely perfect.

This chapter was so cute. I loved how they still go back and forth with their humour, I love that they've stilled retained a similar relationship they had in chapter one, but it has developed so perfectly as the story has progressed. Though this time, the back and forth isn't a matter of working on the project, now it is them trying to not so awkwardly admit their feelings for one another. I got cavities reading.

And the final line. Perfect, you absolutely killed this, Alex (in a good way).

Overall

Wow, that was a wild ride. It was packed with emotions and with personality, which I have to give huge kudos to you since you managed to portray both those things extremely well in a dialogue only story. The dialogue was natural and flowed well and the way you developed their relationship and attitudes through the use of dialogue was absolutely perfect. There were a few mistakes, mainly with commas, but otherwise I have no criticism of it. I loved this, fantastic read!

Hey!

I think one of the things you have to look out for is punctuation. In the fourth chapter, you used an apostrophe in one of the passages, instead of a quotation mark. I might have missed a few errors in the previous chapters but hopefully, you can find them when you proofread it again.

Another thing to watch out is the usage of names. ^[1]Joanna Penn explains that we don’t tend to use other people’s names all that much in real life. Then, you should also be careful with being realistic because you don’t really have to write out the sounds we make such as ‘uh’ or ‘er.’ This is the problem with dialogue-only stories, unfortunately. In the fourth chapter as well, you used an elongated ‘no’ to imitate groaning or something akin to that. Without dialogue tags, it’s hard to portray what action the character makes.

Overall, you made such a cute story. It’s so cute, I just can’t bear it! But you have to consider proofreading and revising. It’s hard to express much with only dialogues. I don’t get to see much [of the] plot, characterization and setting. If you really want to pursue writing dialogue-only stories, you should try to read Virginia Woolf’s The Waves, Nathalie Sarraute’s The Golden Fruits or Ernest Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephant.” The only key is to practice.

I made a criteria to help me judge each entry. If you want to know what you got under each criterion, please don’t hesitate to PM me!

Reference:
[1] http://www.thecreativepenn.com/2012/10/04/dialogue-mistakes/

YOU DID THE WHOLE ROMCOM VIBE SO WELL
ALEXXXXXX this was so cute
Hahahahahhaah fav fav fav

OH MY GOD. THAT WAS SO GOOD. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
It was such a cute story, and short and did not have any crazy drama, and that it was only dialogue. I loved the layout as well. The whole thing was a masterpiece, especially the way you ended the last chapter. That was beautiful. I like Kimi and Daniel.

OKAY BUT FUCK ME UP BC THIS IS ONE OF THE CUTEST DAMN THINGS I'VE EVER READ, YA FEEL?

Damn, Alex.

I finally read this whole thing and I cry at its cuteness. This is seriously the cutest thing I've ever read. The fact that it's all dialogue is so great, you did it so well. Bless this whole thing

aw
these two


i wish it didn't end
so cute, so, so cute.
you did such a great job on this ♥

this is so incredibly wonderful and the fact that it's all dialogue, which is one of my favorite things ever, is amazing because it can be really hard to do and you're executing it so perfectly. we find out just as much as we need to know about both daniel and kimi through their words and it manages to leave an air of mystery around them so we still get a good amount of reveal to look forward to.

not to mention they're so damned cute it physically hurts to read because i'm smiling so hard. their back-and-forth is so precious and AGH the constant usage of the camera (his phone has a camera WHAT A CHEAT i love) i adore this so so much and i can't wait for more!

highkey loving where it's going tbh
this is so cute
I love the style, although I feel like I keep tripping up because I read too fast (whoops)

I love the characterisation in this. You've kept it so simple by only having dialogue, but at the same time it also feels so complex since you're limited in how you can express your characters.
Danny's so sarcastic. It's great. Also your reveal of Kimi using the camera to deflect the questions - that's fab.
Although what is this school project? Like a get-to-know you? It seems weird to be doing that at year 11 / 12 though. Anywho, I'm excited for the next installment.