Jessie McMillion and a Small Town Revolution - Comments

I like the premise of this story and the way the characters interact and speak to one another is really believable. Structurally separating out the paragraphs and taking a new line for dialogue would make it much easier for the reader to know who is speaking. I would also be cautious of information dumps, because I think there are points where you tell instead of show. Try to integrate the information into the story, meaning we get to learn more and more about the character as we go on instead of all at once. I've made a list of little things I noticed in the first two chapters.

matter o' factory – the expression should be matter of factly
Atleast – at least
Coarse - course
"Dude, I'm gonna ask out Tilly." Roland said – there should be a comma after Tilly instead of a full stop.
Jessie spent the house thinking about Syd. - I think house is the wrong word here?
bread - bred

So those are just little things that I noticed.

I have a love for spiritual things, so the whole tarot reading has me intrigued. It seems interesting enough, so on I go! lol


So, I'll be honest, once I discovered that he's so young, I was a little put off (I don't know, as I grow older, I prefer to read stuff based around my own age group--which will suck when I'm 50-something )But shizz, he's a little punk and I pictured pretty much the entire chapter. It just flows well and has a neat vibe.

You have a very nice way of describing details just enough to let the reader picture them, but not fry their brains to mush in boredom. This is rare and a great gift to possess. And the characters are believable as well. Jessie is the kind of guy I'd crush on from afar I swear, the effing smirks always win with me for some reason.


Aha he's as smart as he is cute and cocky, I see. Very nice. Gah, does he have to be a fictional teenager? lol

I'm curious about Syd. I wonder what she'll be like. And DAMN-SAM! What the heck is going on with Caeson Wow.


I think I saw that coming, but it was still played off pretty well.


Oh my Heavens, their way of speech is killing me But it's starting to get pretty good. And aww, Jessie is a considerate friend. Who would have guessed?


Ooooo, I enjoyed the tarot readings. Lol, I've always wanted to go to a fortune teller before. It sounds like it'd be so much fun!


Aw this chapter was cute and sad. I really like Syd's character. She's epically awesome lol


I. WOULD. BE. SO. PISSED! No, ugh! I hate public schools and the new school system. I'll happily join their rebellion!


I think you have something really good going on here. It could certainly use sprucing up, as it has some grammar and spelling mistakes, but those can be worked on. Also, I think it'd be nice if there was a cool layout. But that's a matter of personal opinion, lol. I'll be subbing and reccing. Update soon, please