Walang Nobyo - Comments

Your layout is gorgeousssss.

Literal thought on your sweet stories:

Hello!

My first reaction to the story was: I’m so hyped for this omg omg! ‘Cause I’m all about Filipino characters in stories.

I’m just pretty iffy about the use of the word “nobyo.” It’s not a word that’s usually used, per se. It’s an old word. Simply put, it’s not conversational Filipino, but I don’t know the situation in other countries. Even when I go to the US for vacation, I don’t think I’ve heard anyone use “nobyo.” It's always “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” “shota,” or “jowa.” There was only one person in my life who use “nobyo” and that was my 100-year old great grandma. I think I understand the usage though, so that Athena wouldn’t understand.

I understand the use of the word “Tagalog” though, because that’s a common misconception among Filipinos (even I use it sometimes. It’s just unavoidable because that’s what we’ve been taught for our whole lives). Scholars would disagree with the usage of “Tagalog” to describe the Filipino language which is technically, like an omnibus of all the dialects in the country, as well as the adapted words (ex. telephone to telepono) and foreign words that have no Filipino equivalent (such as genes and rhombus).

With dialogue, it’s important for it to match the setting of the story. For example, I’d understand if the story is set in the early 50’s to 80’s or earlier than that. For 21st century, conversations usually contain more slang than before because it’s part of our vocabulary as millennials. Even the elderly use slang because it is widely used. Such are the cases if it is set in the Philippines. Although it is set in another country, I still think slang equivalents prevail because of the usage of it in TV dramas (and we know how Filipinos love TFC).

The names are just hands-down though. I love the names. I know a lot of people with the weirdest names. I know someone named “Pyl,” “Walled” and “Reinier.” You stayed true to that part of our culture and that’s great. I honestly love the weird ass names Filipinos come up with even if it’s distasteful to say.

As for the content itself, it’s really cute. I’m a huge fan of details and I would have loved more descriptions to accompany the dialogue. You don’t have to describe their appearance. For me, describing the setting, atmosphere, time, thoughts or actions is better. There are more to actions than meets the eye. Behavior can reveal the personality of a person. Thoughts can also provide the personality as well. Both of these can move the plot and scenes smoothly if done well.

The transition between the scenes is okay. There are parts which are smooth yet there are parts that are choppy. It’s like when you’re walking on a flat surface but then you trip on this uneven tile. It’s kind of like that.

As I think about her choices, I let out an obnoxious laugh. Oh god. I start to tap my fingers on lap and feel my face flush. As my eyes moves side to the side, I scratch the back of my head and comment, “Isabela must be different from America, huh?”
You can use “as” a lot in a story but it’s not advisable to put it so close to each other. As I’ve mentioned above, the flow gets choppy because the structure of the sentence isn’t right.

Overall, grammar-wise, it’s better than most stories. Grammar isn’t really a big thing with stories unless it affects the movement of the plot, which in this case, it does not. The premise of the story is adorable. Although you could’ve fleshed out the characters more, I loved them. Aside from these, I recommend you proofread repeatedly because you are your worst critic. Reading aloud can help you identify problems in your writing^[1]. Other than that, reading books can also help in developing your own style of writing.

*Further notes: if you want to know your score and the criteria for judging, feel free to message me!
Sources:
[1] https://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/Proofreading.html
[2] http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to-revise-edit-and-proofread-your-writing/

YESSSSSS @ THIS STORY
I like how you named the chapter titles because then I was aware that it'd be the same thing. I also like that it's a two-shot because I feel like an entire story with the same situations but different PoVs could be a bit tiring. The other thing is in a story with multiple languages, I'm a huge fan of when the author doesn't write the translation of whatever a character said right after they do, especially when they put it in speech quotes too, like. Who does that irl unless they're helpfully translating?

On to the actual story, I thought it was so cute! Or, I thought Jonty's chapter was cute and then I read Athena's and I was like OMG YOU UNDERSTAND HIM But I do like the situation because like, in real life not every person you approach is going to be helpfully single and interested, and I like how you approached it. Not gonna lie though I feel like there should be more to the story, and then I checked the Info and it's complete! Where it ended felt like there should be more coming so I hope you like change your mind or something and make it multichaptered because I'd love love love to read more

SAM. THIS LOOKS SO CUTE OMFG.