Tommy Guns - Comments

...Okay, so this story was the one that caught my attention for my giveaway, but I just want to say when I opened up the first page, I was like... "Why's it in English?" For some reason my dumb self was expecting this to be written in German (as if I could read fluent German when all I remember from class is "wo ist die toilette?" ) BUT ANYWAYS...

As usual, your writing is stellar! I love the prologue (auftakt means prologue i'm guessing?) and how it gives enough background. And I love how Ruedi said they weren't choosing certain death, but rather only a possibility. I don't know, I thought that was so... hopeful, but at the same time so morbid and foreboding. I'm rooting for them! RuedixFelix forever!

Their chemistry is so cute in the first chapter. I love how they can be somewhat intimate with each other, but I feel almost a little tense reading it because I'm like, what if someone sees them like this! Part of me wishes in the author's note there were translations for the few words that you sprinkle throughout the chapter, but I suppose that's more of a personal preference. Of course, I do know what "Scheisse" means In the third chapter, I liked how you wrote about Felix being one who apologized to the soldiers he tore down, and Ruedi being the one who puts fallen soldiers back together. And I like how the chapters go from being all dialogue in one to a more detailed chapter the next.

I really liked this story so far! Great writing and happy holidays!

Okay, I paused after Chapter two (Zwei) because it's getting late, but I thought I would give you my thoughts anyway! First of all, this story is super interesting, not just in the plot of having two homosexual men in the midst of world war two, but in the way that it's formed. You made a really interesting choice in deciding to have chapters of nothing but pure dialogue, especially since that sort of thing can sometimes get a little confusing without dialogue markers, but I like it. It feels a bit like rather than seeing a scene unfold between two people, you're almost eavesdropping on them instead, and you keep the conversations clean so that there's no confusion about who's talking. It's a bit of a risk but done really well and it definitely pays off.

There were a couple of things that threw me off in the first chapter, although the detail you put into this is amazing and I love it. The use of the word "newbie" kind of poked at me a bit, I think because this is more historical fiction and I know that isn't the sort of language they would use, but at the same time, it makes it easier for the modern reader to understand, and it's good in that way. It's just a picky detail that's a bit on the fence, I think. The only other thing that stood out to me was how light-hearted Felix and Ruedi were in that chapter, but knowing the sort of stressful situation they've got to be in, it would be a defense-mechanism so there isn't just constantly the sort of situation that you see in the second chapter. Overall, there's just good writing here and good character development insofar as how they're having to adapt to their situation.

Last couple of things I want to say before I leave: I'm actually getting a German minor and love the select use of German phrases in this (and I'm kind of proud that I knew all the phrases and didn't have to look up the meaning of anything). It's a good detail, having a bit of German sparsely mixed up in the writing. Secondly, this reminds me of a short story I read for a class last semester that was really good and I think you might be interested in. It is also about a gay German couple, although if I remember correctly, it took place before WW2. It's called Love and Hydrogen by Jim Shepard, if you'd like to read it.

Chapter One
I love the little conversation you included at the beginning. Felix calling him crazy for wanting to enlist. I feel like that, in itself, was realistic af.

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Maybe we aren’t cut out for war, but we’re cut out for survival.

I LOVED this line, okay? I absolutely loved it.

And then the finality at the end was wonderful as well. I'm really loving this so far!

Chapter Two
I really like the glimpse you give into Ruedi's new life and the way he loses so many people, as well as his feelings on the matter.

Okay, I lowkey laughed when Ruedi sat up quickly and hit his head. Scratch that, I highkey laughed. I couldn't help it, omg!

I'm absolutely living for the interactions between Felix and Ruedi already. There's so much chemistry there and I'm loving it!

The glimpse you gave into their old life and the things that needed to be done was welcome, as was just how much the war had changed Felix. I can imagine just how weary the war has made him and it's sad to see. I'm rooting for these two, though!

I'm loving this so far and I'll definitely be reading more (and most likely leaving more comments as I do). This is so realistic and such a lovely read. Your imagery is so amazing and I'm just... wow, I'm in love, okay?

This story really gives me a different perception of the war than is normally shown in Nazi Germany fiction, and I love that about it. It's so well-written that I honestly feel like I'm back in 1940s Germany. I can't get over the fact that it's written from the point of view of someone fighting the allies, because in most of the things I've read set in that era, it's all written from an American point of view. It's nice to see how soldiers would have felt being portrayed so well.

I really like Felix and the way you've described him makes him more of a person to me rather than just a one dimensional character. I feel like I could talk to him. I find myself feeling some of the feelings he's going through in the story, and I find myself heartbroken for both Felix and Ruedi. The war scene in chapter six had me completely enthralled, and it played out in my head like a movie scene. It was brilliant, and by the last line of the chapter, tears were in my eyes. You are an absolutely incredible writer and I can't wait to read more!

I really like this, every chapter was nicely written and your imagery was on point. I really like the story concept as well, it's gripping :)

So, I was only going to comment on the first chapter, but then I found myself unable to stop reading. I'll go ahead and stop for a moment and comment on the first three chapters though.
So, right away the title, short summary, and long summary had me super interested in this story. I think you did a really great job with those.
I was actually only planning on reading one chapter, like I said, and then commenting but the first chapter was short but also compelling, and it got me hooked, so I had to read more. I really love how the first chapter was driven by the dialogue (was it nothing but dialogue? Seems like it was literally nothing but dialogue.) It was a really good writing choice, I think. As was the lack of dialogue tags. It made the chapter read faster and gave it a more tense feel somehow.
Chapter two was longer and more introspective, but I still really loved it. Also, the theme of Ruedi feeling like he was losing his mind dealing with all the wounded and the casualties reminded me of M*A*S*H because that was a frequent theme of that show (different war entirely obviously but some things never change, I suppose.) Not that that probably means anything to you, but it helped contribute to my interest in the chapter probably, and reminding me of one of my favorite shows will pretty much always get you points.
Oh, chapter three just hurt my heart. I feel so much for these two.

I'm definitely gonna keep reading. This story is just excellent. The plot and characters are interesting and compelling, and your writing style is just great. You've done very well at establishing the tone for this story, all of your writing choices seem to contribute nicely to your overall mood for the piece. I'm rambling now to be honest, so I 'll just say, yeah, this is really good.

Summary: I was once obsessed with World War II, so this story excites me. The summary was beautifully written, especially the last line introducing the two lovers, who my heart breaks for.

Chapter 1: A very cleverly written prologue, starting and ending with the same two words. Ruedi comes off as having thought everything through and got everything planned, and Felix comes off as more sensitive, more wants to be who he is, which is so sad, considering the circumstance. I want to see what happens to these two, so I’m subscribing!

I’ve only read one chapter, but you’ve written it so perfectly that it’s made me pine for more. Amazing job!

First let me start out by saying that I really like your writing style, since I did a bit of snooping around your stories before I chose this one to comment on. You have a brilliant way of capturing attention in a short amount of space/words. As for this story, I really like the premise of the whole Nazi theme, but the way you've centered it around a homosexual couple is something refreshing, since it's usually a soldier/Jew. I'm very curious to see how you're going to develop the relationship between Felix and Ruedi, especially since I'm already getting the idea that Felix may be changing, at least from the third chapter. Also I agree with Felix, they should have just left Germany! I can see where Ruedi gets his logic from and leaving the country might have been a little difficult, but things would've been easier in the long run. Grammatically I only found a couple of things, mostly words that were left out, nothing major. The only real criticism I have is the fact that the third chapter is strictly dialogue. I realize that the first is too, but I feel like the third loses more with the lack of description, since to me it seems to be foreshadowing a big change on Felix's part. Of course, none of that takes away from the fact that this is an excellent story! I'll definitely be keeping up with it :)

Okay I am beyond sorry how late this comment is! Anyway, let’s get to it.

Your prologue is mysterious. I like the way it pulls the readers in. I thought it was so bittersweet because especially with this touchy topic, you made it ultimately pleasing (wrong choice of word ) to continue reading.

Obviously I can tell you placed such a heavy thought into this plot. Everything about your writing here makes me emotional. For example, “If they find out who we are — what we are — then we’ll die anyway,” makes me weak because it packs so much damn emotion into a single sentence. It honestly makes me sad. I like that you made the first chapter dialogue dominant. Without description, you use their conversation to push out the internal thoughts, which would lead to a whole new meaning of captivating the audience. I like Ruedi’s character mainly because from the first chapter, I get a sense that he is one to sacrifice so much for the people he loves. I definitely love that and appreciate this characteristic of himself because I could definitely think of a few people similar to his personality. Despite the fact that they are in a horrid situation, he’s still thinking about his loved ones.

With chapter two, we get to see your characters, Felix and Ruedi, develope. I was all for Ruedi’s little quirks, especially since I viewed his character as slightly blunt and more serious compared to Felix. As for Felix, I really liked how more mellow and more comfortable he is around flirting. They are both on their toes about their relationship but I kinda feel like Felix is somewhat more adventurous when it comes to their love for each other. I think they obviously compliment each other, though

I love the way you wrote chapter three mainly because of the simplicity of your dialogue. This line, “You’ve got empty eyes. You’re cold, distant. You don’t smile anymore, you don’t laugh anymore. You barely listen to a word I say and you hardly talk, either. You’re not okay. You’re not my Felix when you’re like this,” omg I love this line so much because I find that it is more powerful to do it like you did rather than traditionally describing all these things you mentioned here. Something obviously happened to Ruedi and I’m curious~ did someone find out about his relationship or is he leaving? I AM SO CURIOUS.

Overall, I enjoyed your piece because you added such a great, unique twist towards something romanced based. I enjoyed your characters, so I am excited to see what will happen for both Ruedi and Felix!

Hello!

I noticed that you misspelled mortality In the second chapter.

A roll of gauze had fallen into a pool of stagnant blood a few centimetres to his left, and Ruedi made a mental note to find out whatever inept newbie had ‘cleaned up’ the supposedly sterile ground before beginning to crawl under one of the gurneys in an attempt to retrieve the bottle of saline solution that had decided to join the now empty bowl.
You should consider fixing the sentence structure of this passage because it’s kind of confusing. Perhaps you can make it simpler.

Felix Müller looked wordlessly at the tend flaps behind him, before turning back to Ruedi with a wide grin spread across his face.
You also misspelled tent here.

Another thing that I noticed in the second chapter was the ‘chloe charade.’ What is that? I don’t really know a lot of idioms in English so if it’s possible, can you clear this bit up for me?

Overall, this was a great piece. I love how you alluded PSTD (or that’s what I thought you alluded to) in the third chapter. There is a distinct difference between each chapter, especially from the first and the third. The characterization and pace are both perfect, though I’d like to warn you about the structure and length of your sentences because you can sometimes get carried away with giving too much info when you create long sentences. You should switch it up more often (between short, moderate and long), I think. Anyway, although it’s not my cup of tea, I loved this a lot! I adored the whole third paragraph of the second chapter. You did such a wonderful and amazing job, honestly.

I made a criteria to help me judge each entry. If you want to know what you scored under each criterion, please don't hesitate to PM me!

This is my favourite line:

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 He had grown tired of watching the light fade from the eyes of men who just wouldn’t hang on, men who passed on over to the other side while sobbing for their mothers, daughters and wives in a startling contrast to the might they showed whilst parading around with a gun on the battlefield.

It's so solemnly beautiful while revealing the dark reality of war.

Chapter zwei was like setting off fireworks! It is brief but heavy with its words, making me as the reader feel eager to continue to find out how Ruedi and Felix's relationship fares in the next chapter.

Well written. I can imagine that there are more beautifully brutal descriptions and moments to come.

Im loving this!

Oh I have a sense of foreboding that I can't shake with this story.
Once again, Victoria, a lovely story. This is just so amazing and I hope you chose to continue it. Its so amazingly written. I can tell that you spent time developing the plot and characters. The layout is beautiful, the summary is written so eloquently, once again with published novel quality. You're an amazing writer. Can I be like you when I grow up?
I also love how you end and start the chapter with the same line, and how Ruedi convinces Felix to enlist with him. Honestly, Ruedi is the smarter of the two because the idea is brilliant then again that foreboding is still strong.

highkey going to stab my heart and tear it to pieces
that's cool, no worries - who needs a heart to live anyways

Ruedi is
Can't wait to read this!