June 17th, 2016 at 07:01pm
Now onto the story!
This first line is already stressing me out. Something bad is gonna happen, I can tell.
the sunlight lit sidewalk – this wording is awkward. I think it's supposed to be sunlit sidewalk.
The details of this, I cry! I'm envisioning this whole setting so well and I'm loving it. I also really like the point of view of this. Not a lot of people use third person omniscient and I really like that you did that.
Oh man, something bad's gonna happen. The train just stopped and people are about to panic. Oh man.
holy FUCK WHAT JUST HAPPENED. LIZZ, THERE ISN'T ANOTHER CHAPTER TO THIS. DID THEY DIE? THEY'RE ALL DEAD AREN'T THEY? Holy hell I'm screaming. That was so unexpected to what I thought someone would write about for this story. As stressed as I am about what the fuck happened to them, I really love that you made it as dark as you did. And I still hate you for that fucking ending, but it was really smart to do. Leave it up to the imagination.
Other than what I mentioned earlier about grammar, this was written really well (which isn't a shock tbh), so great job and good luck!
The layout is rally delightfully simple, and dark. I'm a huge fan of minimalistic layouts that feature dark charcoals or blacks, so this one definitely tickles my fancy. The single-sentence summary works really well in this case, as it throws this whole series of questions into my mind.
Content
Even with that first line, you've got everything starting so ominous. Coupled with the layout, it's a really good way to set this dark tone to the whole story, and it's definitely a good hook into the story as a whole. The fact that everybody is so ordinary as well -- it adds this whole sense that we get to know the characters themselves and then boom, chaos. I think it gives it more of a sense of realism and impact as opposed to if you had just been talking about random people. You give these people faces and routines and personalities, and then you just plunge them into darkness. It just seems so much more plausible when you put faces to names, I don't know why.
I've probably said this a zillion times as well, but your attention to detail is just breathtaking. It makes everything so much more accurate, and paints such a vivid picture in my head that I can actually imagine being there and seeing everything unfold in front of my eyes.
The ending though, wow. I don't know whether to think that they're dead, or that something's taken over the car, or what. It's so open-ended and ominous and I love that. It lets the reader dream up whatever they want in their head. In my head, they all get out nice and safe because I want a happy ending but I assume that won't happen.
Concrit
Didn't pick up on anything!
Overall
This was really good. It was written beautifully (although as Rav said, no surprise there!) and I really got engrossed in it. Beautiful job!