Once & Forever - Comments

  • hangsang.

    hangsang. (210)

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    Summary
    I absolutely love the summary! While some of it was awkward to read, I really think it gave great insight at what the reader is to expect. It made me excited to read on!

    One
    I love how you started the story with an air of mystery instead of loads of description. It was much appreciated as, with stories like this, the reader could become bored easily.

    I love the air of bravery I'm already getting from Arthur. It seems he really wants to protect the kingdom and I find that to be super admirable. His father's reaction was pretty great, too. Of course he wouldn't want to get his son and other men killed.

    I'm surprised the king gave in so easily. I definitely expected him to put up more of a fight.

    As I said above, I love the air of mystery you create in just the first chapter. The right amount of characters were introduced, but I would've like a little more description in terms of who they were. Other than that, this was flawless!

    Two
    I'm loving the relationship between Merlin and Arthur. It's teasing, but there's also compassion in there. It's really nice to read, honestly. Plus, the way you have them speak really reminds me of that time period, so major kudos on that front.

    Ah, man, things are going downhill so quickly. I really hope Arthur's going to be okay. And I really love how much Merlin cares for him.

    Ahhh, what a cliffhanger! I'm very curious to know who the Mercenary is and how everything unfolds. Once again, I didn't see any mistakes in this chapter and your descriptions are on-point. I could see everything happening that you described.

    Honestly, I'll definitely be reading on! This has definitely peaked my interest. Well done!
    May 29th, 2016 at 09:15am
  • elsa of northuldra

    elsa of northuldra (550)

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    The layout is lovely, easy to read and simple which is a plus in my book. I like the historical aspect of the story, its not very often that I come across historical stories focused on King Authur's; well not king yet from the timeline of this story but he's still a king to me.
    Anyways, onward to the important things. The summary is nice and simple, just like the layout. It doesn't give away too much but it tells me everything I need to know to decide if I want to read the story. Which I did... alot.
    The first sentence struck me, I love the aspect of starting a story with dialogue but I feel (in my personal opinion) that a bit more detail would draw readers in a bit just because you have four lines with nothing but dialogue, which is fine.
    I noticed some places where you have periods following dialogue that lead into description that probably should be commas but I'm not gonna lie and say I know exactly for sure. Maybe visit the Editing hub and submitting your story to have someone give it a once over. Your grammar is great and the description is really nice.
    Overall, you seem to represent the historical aspect really well and I'm looking forward to reading more of your story later on in the future.
    May 29th, 2016 at 04:48am
  • DressedInDecay

    DressedInDecay (100)

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    @ skywalkers.
    Thank you for pointing out the typos! I'll take a look at and correct them, tomorrow. And I really appreciate the constructive criticism. I'm going to read through it again and see if I can get it flowing a little more smoothly. It's my first time writing something NOT in this day and age! A totally new realm, if you will.
    April 10th, 2016 at 10:29am
  • solo sunrise

    solo sunrise (260)

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    Way to end the second chapter on a cliffhanger.

    The dialogue is a little clunky at times, especially in the first chapter. I'm not criticizing, but historical/historically-based things can have fluid dialogue.

    It's not like it took away from the story or anything, though. So don't worry. Also, maybe do another quick glance through both chapters, because I saw a couple of typos. That happens, though.

    Anyway, I really like your imagery. Like With a swift lop, the bandit's hand fell to the forest floor, dagger still in hand. That's like...quintessential historical fantasy action movie right there. It's also a great way of character introduction.

    Speaking of which, I like the characterization so far. You've done that really well in just two chapters, especially with the relationships between Merlin and Arther and Uther.

    I'm actually surprised that this doesn't have more comments by now? You've got a nice layout and a nice style and it seems like you know where your story is going. That's pretty evident from the summary. I have a feeling that I know where it's going, but you'll probably surprise me anyway.
    April 10th, 2016 at 07:21am
  • not be named

    not be named (100)

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    More please! I'm super interested.
    April 4th, 2016 at 02:20am