You're Cold and I Burn - Comments

What a wonderful and intense story! I really love the layout to this story too. It;s simple and very neat looking.

Chapters 1-3
I immediately guesses that he cheated on her. I found out to be right in chapter chapter two. These chapters built up great boiling drama I feel like. I love the guilt you described in the main guy character. I loved how you descibed what type of relationship they had, and how quickly they built something very serious together.

Chapters 4-6
WOW! I can't believe she found out through her best friend what happened. Poor girl. It makes me wonder what happened that the best friend found out in the first place.
I loved how you described the stages of moving on. While the girl thrived and got back on with her life, the guy struggled and stayed stuck in a rut almost.
Oh boy, more heavy drama coming into chapter six! I loved how you left it off on such an eager cliffhanger.

Chapter 7
I love how you left it at a mystery for the readers as to who it was. I am guessing it is her ex, but I won't know until the next chapter for sure!
Again, loved the little realistic details you put into this chapter.

Overall I love this story. I really can't wait to read more.

Hey! I saw your blog and gave your story a read through! I was surprised by how short it was. I'd seen you talk about it before so I kind of had an idea of what it was in my mind and this was a bit different from that. The story was very fast paced and very reader based. What I mean by that is that there are times where you leave the chapters with questions. Personally, I'm not a huge fan of that approach but for this it could work if it's something you really like.

In your Blog you said that you feel like you're dragging the story out. I kind of got that vibe in chapter five where you're talking about how happy she is without him now. However when you bring a new character into it, it does start her on a new path. That doesn't seem redundant at all. My only issue there is that it sounds like her ex is reappearing. Not that it's someone from her way past. I really think you should clarify that this is a different guy. Clarify in the story.

I think if you continue into this second relationship with the new guy and her, it needs to be more in depth than her first relationship. I think there needs to be more character development and it would be cool if this relationship could give her that. Or show her.

I'm so unbelievably hooked on this story, oh my!

First off, I really love this layout. It sets the tone for the story nicely and makes me start to set the scene in my head. The summary was intriguing in the way that we know that something is going on, but aren't aware of the exact situation which is always great as a way to grab attention.

One thing I noticed in the summary is the incorrect formatting of the dialogue:
"No, it's not okay. How could you do this?" She whispered. should be "No, it's not okay. How could you do this?" she whispered.
and
"I'm sorry. It was an accident." He said. should be "I'm sorry. It was an accident," he said.

Onto the chapter, I feel like this is a good start to the story. You've set up the beginnings of their relationship well, and it's easy to tell that the relationship is really unhealthy. There was also bits of emotion coming through, which was nice to see especially considering that can be sort of difficult in a story that's so short at the moment.

There were somethings I wanted to point out:
The thunderstorm that was occurring outside seemed to fit the mood that she seemed to be in on this Friday Night.
You have seemed twice quite close together in this sentence which reads a bit awkwardly. Also night doesn't need to be capitalized.

As she watched the lightning light up the sky, he walked in. He was late as usual, no shocker there.

She didn’t understand why he was getting home so late. It was around 11 at night and normally he was home by 7 at the latest.
I was a bit confused by these sentences. In the first one, you say that it wasn't a shock that he was home late, but then she seemed shocked by the fact that it was late in the second sentence. If you were meaning that she wasn't sure why he had been getting home so late all the time, it might be a good idea to reword things a bit, just so that's a bit more clear.

There's a couple more places where the dialogue is formatted incorrectly:
“Where were you?” She asked quietly as she greeted him at the door should be "Where were you?" she asked quietly as she greeted him at the door
and
“Working late.” He lied quietly. should be "Working late," he lied quietly.

Overall, I think you've set this story up well with the first chapter! It seems like there are a lot of unanswered questions so far, and it'll be interesting to see how their relationship develops (or devolves) and how you answer all those questions. Nice job!

The layout gives it such a muted, divided tone that you can kind of tell what it's going to be write off the bat. I really like that and it's really beautiful. One thing that caught my attention was that you use passive voice in your summary. This just sounds a little awkward. If you switch over to present "her mascara ran down her face", it'll feel like you pulled the scene right out of the chapter. But that's a stylistic choice, so it's definitely up to you!

I know you said you've been doing some editing, but there was something in the first chapter that I wanted to point out. You write "As she watched the lightning light up the sky, he walked in. He was late as usual, no shocker there.

The door opened and her boyfriend walked into the house. She didn’t understand why he was getting home so late. It was around 11 at night and normally he was home by 7 at the latest.

“Where were you?” She asked quietly as she greeted him at the door. He set his things down and moved closer to her. He tried to hug her but she stepped away before he had a chance to hug her.

The bold parts are sections where you repeat yourself. You give us the same information twice in the same sections, so it gets really repetitive. Try taking out one of the phrases or replacing it with different wording to keep it flowing better.

This is a really interesting story and I'm going to subscribe. I want to see how their relationship continues and where it started from. They're definitely broody characters, which is great. This story seems like it's focused solely on their emotions, so there's a lot of work from there. :)

Ohh my layout The summary was very intriguing, but there were a few mistakes here and there (which I will point out now). I'm curious to know what he did to destroy their entire relationship, I like that you keep it ambiguous and don't give us any clues since it makes me even more curious for the story, I think. I think there could be more showing than telling, but it is only a summary.

"No it's not okay, How could you do this?" She whispered. - it should be "No, it's not okay. How could you do this?" she whispered.

"I'm sorry, It was an accident." He said. - it should be "I'm sorry. It was an accident," he said.

destroying his entire relationship & - I think the use of the ampersand instead of putting 'and' kind of ruins the flow of the paragraph, but that's just my opinion.

Chapter One

I like the beginning of the story. It really sets the mood, atmosphere and tone immediately with the use of describing the weather and how it relates to the character's emotions. I think by doing this you have given us a taste of what is to come, in a way. Basically, I can tell this won't be a happy story, and I think using the weather has made it even more ominous than before. It was a nice touch.

she seemed to be in on this Friday Night. - 'night' shouldn't be capitalised

I feel bad but I laughed when she said that she wanted nothing to do with the hug. I know it was serious, but it came off as rather sassy to me. I also like the little hints you leave in the chapter that kind of hint to what he could be doing wrong, or that something is off altogether. In a way they are rather subtle, but they leave some kind of impact on the reader, and leaves us guessing. I have a feeling it might be cheating, since that tends to be the typical idea when someone is returning home late.

he would break her heart & he wasn’t sure - again, I think the ampersand does break the flow of the story, so I would just replace it with 'and'.

The last line of the chapter was really intriguing, and I think it makes the reader even more questioning and curious about what is happening. I'm hoping he will tell her the truth, since being honest in situations is probably the best thing that anyone can do.

As for improvements on the chapter (since you asked in the A/N), I'd suggest fixing the problems I pointed out above and adding some description, such as maybe what the characters look like? A few adjectives and descriptors thrown in would probably make this chapter more impactful, so it wouldn't only intrigue the reader, it would hook them in.

Chapter Two

It wasn’t like he even meant to do it. - I think the 'he' should be 'he'd' or 'he had'.

I really liked the first paragraph of this, since it basically said everything I was feeling - honesty and the truth is the best way, and holding things back / secrets will only make things worse. You can see the hints of guilt and worry that he must feel for what he has possibly done, but I obviously don't know if I should feel sorry for him or not yet, since the last chapter implied that he messed up really badly.

She really needs to break up with him I think you've portrayed an unhealthy relationship quite well, since communication is absolutely key to making a relationship work. I like that you can see her feelings of worry starting to come through as well, through your narration. It is a nice touch and helps people connect with the character(s) better.

anymore & now - I don't mean to be a nag, but ampersands really do break the flow

I liked the changed between him and her in this chapter. I suspected that he may be cheating on her, since there were hints that seem to be typical to those who cheat (at least, this is how its portrayed in TV shows and stuff ). I like that you've written him as human and showed that he is scared, instead of completely dehumanising him. I don't condone cheating, but obviously he is human, too.

This was a nice read, can't wait to see more~

Overall

This story was very intriguing and I felt you handled the topic of cheating and unhealthy relationships quite well throughout the story. You also showed the character's emotions well, but I would suggest showing them since in some instances it felt more like you were telling. As for improvement, I would suggest adding more description to hook your readers in more, replace ampersands with 'and' to make the story flow better, and show things rather than tell things. I'd also suggest a little revision, since there were a few grammatical errors, but nothing big. Otherwise, this has great potential and I can't wait to see what else you have in store~

The prologue really packed a punch. I thought you created a really great feeling for the story in just a little over 100 words. That's super impressive honestly. I'm definitely looking forward to where you'll take this!

I am curious to see were this goes

This sounds like it'll be full of heartache and tears and we all know I love sad stories I'm curious to know exactly what he did that warranted her sorrow. Can't wait to read this!