The Dizygotic Killer - Comments

  • o'malley cat.

    o'malley cat. (100)

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    YOU UPDATED

    I am so intrigued and I just want to know more more more
    March 25th, 2019 at 03:45am
  • raja sahara

    raja sahara (100)

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    ok so I had to reread this whole story because I forgot (sorry...also bc this was for MY contest, should've had a better memory @me) BUT ANYWAYS this story is creepy as all hell. The chapter where the main character killed the dog has me fucked up tho. Why. WHY THE DOG (I say after the first chapter described human murders in detail...clearly I have my priorities straight lol). But I love the details we find out about the killer in each chapter. Very enlightening.

    Also I imagine Detective Handsome to literally look like Hotch from CM so

    OK MY THEORIES ABOUT THIS: killer is a woman, particularly a woman of color 'cause that'd be cool but if not then cool too. But I wonder why she took a break for so long? Does this take place in the 70s then (since in chapter 1 it mentioned opening up the 1965 Dizygotic case) 'cause that'd be super interesting. I also don't think she's a twin...maybe she was obsessed with twins early in age and that's why she's killing them? I DUNNO I'M MAKING THIS UP

    but I can't wait for the next update!!!!
    January 8th, 2019 at 11:22pm
  • Lonely Luna

    Lonely Luna (105)

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    Mark me down for scared and slightly aroused. I’m kidding but I’m definitely subscribed and can not wait for more!!
    March 18th, 2018 at 07:00am
  • o'malley cat.

    o'malley cat. (100)

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    I hope you'll continue this eventually! The layout is gorgeous, and I love the summary. Really intriguing and I'm so excited for the rest. Swoon
    January 28th, 2018 at 10:46pm
  • JustClara.

    JustClara. (100)

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    YAY I'm so glad you updated I love how theres so much emotion in so little words.
    September 6th, 2016 at 07:28pm
  • Brittt

    Brittt (100)

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    yay, an update. oh this just made me so excited. Crazy
    September 5th, 2016 at 03:17am
  • Vampyris

    Vampyris (100)

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    Beast of a story. She's got such a sense of humor!
    August 17th, 2016 at 11:04am
  • Brittt

    Brittt (100)

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    Okay first of all, your layout literally slays. It's simple and isn't distracting. The summary is just a simple sentence but it hooks me in to find out what is going to happen in this story.
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    “What should the people of Jeffersontown expect and do for a possible killer on the streets?”
    I'd run for the hills and never look back, yikes!!
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    He feeds off the thrill of watching his victims suffer before cutting off their body parts.
    Straight up creepy. what a weirdo whoever this person is. eek.
    Quote
    But one accurate fact was that I was physically fit and mighty attractive. At least they got that statement correct.
    I have it in my head that this mysterious killer is a girl. hmm.
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    The cops described me as psychotic, insane, inhumane and other gruesome things. It was painful and rude. I knew I was disorganized and inexperienced but I was aroused.
    This person sure is a bit insane, maybe a bit fucked up in the head too.
    Quote
    I was motivated to kill.
    What a way to end a chapter.

    I'm a bit disappointed you ended up dropping out of Everything is Blue. This story certainly would've won. but either way, lovely job!
    July 22nd, 2016 at 10:53pm
  • A siren

    A siren (200)

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    First, I'd love to say it's an interesting concept! I usually don't comment on things like this, but I love the layout and the title.

    Competence

    The first paragraph, with the CBCN reporter, seems a little clunky and forced. There are some minor changes I think should be made to help it.
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    ...a couple miles away from their home. Their bodies were missing fingers, ears, and internal organs; the bodies were there for five days.
    This is the problem area in my opinion. I think first, a number should be put in place of "a couple." Four, maybe? Or two if you want to take "a couple" literally. I just doesn't seem realistic for a reporter to say this, and then say, "the bodies were there for five days." I think the last statement should be changed to something along the lines of "Autopsy reports speculate that they have been deceased for at least five days." It would make it much more realistic.
    Quote
    My eyes sparked once the detective looked straight into the camera as if he was looking directly at me. A smile formed on my lips as I started to twist the ancient charms on my silver bracelet.
    This just seems awkward to me. I don't think the sentences flow as well as they should, and I feel like these actions are slightly forced. Maybe go for something more casual? Or maybe a more casual wording would suffice? Maybe something like, "I smiled softly as I toyed with the old charms dangling from my bracelet," for the second sentence. Along with that, I feel as if "show, don't tell" should apply to the detective. Don't tell me he's attractive, show me.

    (Also, minor complaint, but I have never heard the word Dizygotic before. Part of me feels like its an appropriate title, but "fraternal" would be a better word to use in dialogue, as most won't know what dizygotic means).

    "If you do happen to see someone with these characteristics*..."

    Oh god that twist at the end Ha Ha I wasn't expecting that. I also liked the bit of humor. Because its in first person, I just wish a narrative voice was chosen, as it seems ambiguous at this point.

    Motivation

    I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's so nonchalant, but I feel like it shouldn't be. You have the structure of a plot there--a good plot, at that. The motivation isn't really a realistic motivation I feel, but the narrator is insane, I guess.

    The sentences don't really flow together, which makes it hard to read. You want your sentences to seamlessly blend together, contrary to having a stop every couple words. Something like, "I had a dog named Hermes when I was seven years old, a small retriever with an identical twin." You want to blend sentences together to avoid too many pauses.

    I think I'll continue reading for now, the plot intrigues me.
    July 3rd, 2016 at 09:26pm
  • pretty-thumb

    pretty-thumb (100)

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    Oh my, I hope this is something you plan on continuing. I haven't stumbled on something this delightfully dark in quite a while! I want to know more.
    June 30th, 2016 at 05:02pm
  • kaul hilo

    kaul hilo (100)

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    I LOVE the summary, I don't even think I can tell you how much I love it. It's so twisted and yet it is so amusing to read at the same time, so I think you captured the dark humour of it all so well just in that one line alone. It also gives us a nice insight into the twisted character we're about to meet~ And the layout is wonderful (congrats El!)

    Chapter One

    The opening to the chapter was perfect. Having the news segment describing the incident is an absolutely great way to set up the plot and the problem to the reader. I love the creepy vibes that you've got going on, as well. You really show the kind of creepiness / wrongness of the situation through your narration. I mean, missing fingers, ears and internal organs? OMG NO! The main character must really be some kind of monster.

    You capture just how twisted the character is so well, from the moment that his eyes spark when he gets that rush of the detective 'looking at him'. Though, I am wondering what the silver bracelet he is wearing is, I'm assuming it has something to do with the fact that he is the murderer.

    It really shows that you've done a lot of research in terms of crime and crime cases, since it is evident through the way the detective talks, how he addresses the crime and the situation. I think it is obvious how much effort you have put into getting this as accurate as possible, since to me it sounds just like it would on any criminal show, or perhaps even close to what would happen in real life if a detective were to report a crime on the news. Though, them coming up with the little backstory for the killer made me laugh a bit, even though the situation is serious.

    The final two paragraphs of this chapter were absolutely perfect. They really demonstrated just how twisted the character is, but also balanced that out with the humour. I think the the humour really balances out the type of person he is, and both of these elements work surprisingly well together, despite the nature of the story itself. The part where he mentions he hits up clubs especially made me laugh.

    I think the final line was a brilliant way to end the chapter. The character is so captivating it makes me want to read more about him.

    Chapter Two

    The backstory you entered here was absolutely brilliant, although it did really freak me out as well. I could tell that something was definitely going to go wrong with the dog as soon as he was brought up, and the entire time through the second paragraph I was like 'OMG NO! he's going to do something to the dog'. Though, I really did like the narration in the second paragraph. The way he told the story was realistic and flowed well, giving it a more personal and perhaps and even more creepy touch.

    I knew something was going to happen to the dog OMG NO! I'm still wondering if he truly did it, but I have a feeling that it was definitely him, since he was the one who was with Hermes last, so he would know if something else has happened to him and probably had been more sad?. I find it interesting that he did slip up though, in thinking that the park was abandoned but they found Hermes anyway.

    I love he narrator's sassiness and discontent towards the way that people describe him, despite his absolutely twisted tendencies. I think putting in the humour again was a nice touch, since it feels true to the character you presented to us in the last chapter.

    The last line was perfect! Though I have a feeling that the old lady who lives near him may be his next victim, considering that she was the one to tell the police.

    Overall, a wonderful read. Please update soon.

    Overall

    I was immediately hooked and engrossed in the story. It is always so interesting to read stories that are from the perspective of the criminal rather than the victim or crime department / police. I think you really set up both the chapters so well and the way you personalise the character is so perfect, his character is so interesting to read about and he alone makes me want to read more. I didn't spot any mistakes, but it is 3 am, so I wouldn't trust me to spot anything right now XD Basically: PLEASE UPDATE.
    June 8th, 2016 at 04:35am
  • JustClara.

    JustClara. (100)

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    OH MY GOD!
    I love this holy crap I didn't realise how much you've grown in writing but this shows it :)
    I can't wait to read more, I love stories that are narrated by the killer :)
    -Clap- wonderful job my love!
    June 7th, 2016 at 05:59am
  • heretic.

    heretic. (210)

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    I love this OMGYES

    I second the comment below, I read the entire profile in Hotch's voice lmfao

    I really like reading crime fiction from the point of view of the killer, it makes it so much more interesting! Killer's got jokes, I like that! tehe

    One day Hermes didn't come home
    Knowing what I know from the first chapter, this line is so creepy but I love it Weird

    Looking forward to more!
    May 30th, 2016 at 05:00pm
  • Stevie Nicks

    Stevie Nicks (100)

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    If I was going to read a story that was not romance, this is what I would be looking for. I love it! True Crime, Cold Cases and clever killers are my fave. The way this is written is absolutely lovely.
    May 27th, 2016 at 07:58am
  • raja sahara

    raja sahara (100)

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    I know it says that this is a temp layout, but I'm really loving it Weird

    I start the story already you're creeping me out–Their bodies were missing fingers, ears, and internal organs; the bodies were there for five days. like wtf that's so terrifying. These are the lil babies in the photo right? Goddamn Sam OMFG

    REOPENING COLD CASES. That's one of my fave tropes in crime shows Crazy

    UNSUB. I'M HEARING HOTCH'S VOICE HERE lmfao This entire profile. I legit feel like I'm watching a Criminal Minds episode Hail

    Detective Handsome lmfao the narrator is funny, which is such a sharp contrast to the creepiness of the story, I love it so much.

    THE LAST LINE lmfao I love that you made this in the point of view of the killer! I love stories like that, it gives a fresh perspective on things.

    Overall, I really really like this. I like the background story you give to this photo, as creepy and scary as it is. It's definitely unique and different, which is what I live for. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes or anything, so great job and good luck! Cute
    May 18th, 2016 at 12:50am
  • nautical.

    nautical. (100)

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    In Love everything about this is a giant YES
    May 17th, 2016 at 12:36pm
  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    Ghoul of 2016
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    UNRELIABLE,
    SASSY
    INSANE NARRATOR

    OH MY GOD

    I'M IN LOVE
    May 17th, 2016 at 07:06am