July 26th, 2016 at 06:18pm
in the summary and third paragraph of your chapter you have the instead of that in your first line.
your layout is so visually pleasing
also if the language was just a bit older this could pass an excerpt from some like Greek myth proclamation of love. well done.
Okay, so. This.
Soleil was the beauty that ravaged the universe, an enigma that brought life to everything she touched. The complexity of this is gorgeous. It's one sentence but there's so much depth and so many emotions in it. This is gonna sound weird (you have no choice but to take it, so oh well), but I actually liked the fact that you used the words 'ravaged' and 'enigma'. I can't even quite pinpoint why, but the way you used them actually gave such a solid punch to the entire thing, you know? It was that perfect sharpness that pulls readers in, like HELLO, read the heartbreak. It held the promise of it, but it was so magnetic that you just can't help it.
In it all, I loved the spectrum of emotions you managed to write in about 200 words. It starts out soft and romantic, like a love letter, but then it's tragic and gut-wrenching. You actually managed to balance the love and the horror of Soleil—who/whatever she may be in the end. I love how in the end, despite the pain and the destruction, Icarus still loved her to death. (And of course, men always take things so literally, like when you say "I love you to death", you're not supposed to actually follow through with it, guys.) (Even though you didn't say his name in the thing, I'm still going to call him Icarus since that's the concept you picked.)
The only teeny thing I'll say is that I wish there had been more. Your prose was flowing so beautifully and I was so interested in the way you were doing this concept that I didn't want it to end, I wanted there to be more. I wanted more...I don't know. History. Backstory. More Soleil, more Icarus, more, well. I wanted more of the concept. I wanted to drown in it. I felt like I was just starting to really feel it when it ended. However, I wouldn't consider this a flaw or anything of it because it could easily just be personal preference—you can't force things? If your heart told you that this is all you had to tell, then that's fair. Just, as a reader, I wish there had been more to it. I wanted more of the concept. I wanted a lot more, you know?
So all in all, I loved what you have. It's poetic, soft and heartbreaking all the same—full of love and fear in equal measures—and it was just an overall beautiful piece that I wanted tons more of~