August 2nd, 2016 at 03:42am
This is hilarious. I love it. So much.
Short and sweet, and very witty.
To throw in some con-crit, I feel like Hallie wasn't as fleshed out as she maybe could be (but I'm also not sure if you're going to write more chapters? If so, just ignore this and do your thing), but you totally make up for it with Liam. Your stream-of-consciousness style lets us delve so deeply into his personality and thoughts. He's just a laidback guy with a crush, it's very cute. Great job.
Liam is by far one of my favorite characters I’ve ever read about on Mibba. You brought this character to life when writing about his thoughts–they really matched his attitude and were without a doubt hilarious. You wrote about teenagers in a way that was realistic, and I loved that because I noticed that it’s difficult for me to keep the attitude for a teenager consistent while sounding real. You did this effortlessly.
Relating to the contest itself, I think you incorporated the concept of a crush perfectly. You didn’t work around the word crush but you worked with it. From how Liam thinks and the way he views things, I can just feel his emotions about Hallie. My favorite line he said was, “...I get really fucking smiley and shit when we hang,” because it’s bound to make the readers smile. Plus Liam is being nonchalant about it
Some things I absolutely loved include: The hook. Because it aimlessly pulled in the readers to continue reading. The comedy. Because we need more stories like this on here. And I liked how light (repeating myself oh) you made it. The relationship. I just loved how they interacted with each other. Lovely entry, can’t wait to read the sequel