July 11th, 2016 at 03:54pm
Your summary style was really interesting and definitely drew me in. It's simple and heartbreaking, like kai brekker mentioned. The layout itself is really pretty. It has styles that I wouldn't think to put together, but they really work well.
Despite the summary being in messages, I was still surprised to see the first chapter that way as well. I think it's going to take a lot to show their evolution through messaging so props to you for doing this (also, cheers for all the formatting!).
One thing that I feel unsure about is her "unsent" message. If we're getting a screenshot of their conversation, then how are we seeing her unsent message? I know that it's meant to be intentionally not sent, but I think, logistically, having it "failed to send" or "cancelled" makes more sense to me.
You can't really write that she "deleted" it, so that makes it difficult, but as it is now, it really doesn't make sense to me to have it "unsent".
That one message is really important though because it sets the entire tone of the chapter. Without it, it's just a menial conversation between two people. We need that message to understand how she feels about him and why this message is important. So I'd say find a better way to get that point across, but definitely keep it.
Honestly, maybe find a way to make it look like she "backspaced" the message and wrote over it with the new one? A strikeout is really the only way I can think to do that.
you and your dang feels.
Chapter One
The way you opened the chapter was actually really interesting. I loved the way you described the setting around them. The descriptions you use really evokes the senses, like I can imagine and almost feel what you have set up. It also, I felt, really matched and connected with the text messages that were to come, as well as those in the summary. It was warm, in a way, but the temperature has still dropped and it is quiet. The way you wrote the opening paragraph and what followed gave a bittersweet vibe, which I loved.
The text messages were done super well, I actually really like the formatting you've done for it. I also feel the dialogue - even though nobody is talking per say - is actually super natural. I can see this being an actual conversation done through text, you've really captured this realistic conversation through the lack of capitalisation in the texts, the way they speak casually to each other. I'm really impressed at how well you've displayed their relationship as well, just through the simple messages to each other. The 'said's don't even hinder them in the slightest, so absolute kudos from me.
There was something so bittersweet about this chapter overall, and you really captured the emotions - especially the longing - so well. I think the fact that she didn't send the message really emphasised this. Basically, this story is so sad and I hope you write more, because I would love to see their relationship and messages progress further. Overall, fantastic entry!
Overall
This was so good! I think you're really talented at evoking the emotions through your writing and you do it through such little words and little description in this story, so I applaud you. I think the fact that this is done through text messages gives it a very personal feel, which makes the reader further connect with the characters in the story because we are witnessing their personal lives. I have absolutely no criticisms so far. Great entry and good luck!