In the prelude, I was surprised to see it written in second person and while I hoped that it wouldn't continue through the rest of the piece, it actually worked nicely there. The prelude sets up a nice tone for the story and reads like a poem.
One think that I notice in the second chapter is that you always add on to your sentences. What I mean by that, is that there's usually multiple adjectives and m-dashes, colons, or semi-colons that you use to extend your sentences. It's really pretty, but sometimes it changes the flow of the read when it would sound just as nice simplified. I hope that make sense.
Your writing is really great though. The whole concept isn't clear yet, but I can see where you're going with it. One thing I'd like though is more description of his people (birds). The narrator mentions that they're tired and they're hungry, but never anything about them. I know you don't want to outright describe them yet, but maybe in ways of colors and shapes? Where are they when he's laying in the moss?
I think it's interesting that you make the birds literally kiss each other in the same sense that humans do. I would've imagined that they nuzzle each other or something. That action makes them seem so human. It's a strange thing to imagine.
I really think the end of chapter four would be better as the beginning of chapter five. The ending of four switches styles so readers think it's a farewell, but then we've got a whole other chapter doing the same thing.
Overall, I think your story is really cool. It's written really well and the concept is is something I've never seen before. It took me a minute to catch on, but it's clever to use the words you used. Readers are able to figure it out without being told.
I really enjoyed the read. It was a bit light and airy like you said in your blog, but I think this topic has to be. It worked well for this piece.
One think that I notice in the second chapter is that you always add on to your sentences. What I mean by that, is that there's usually multiple adjectives and m-dashes, colons, or semi-colons that you use to extend your sentences. It's really pretty, but sometimes it changes the flow of the read when it would sound just as nice simplified. I hope that make sense.
Your writing is really great though. The whole concept isn't clear yet, but I can see where you're going with it. One thing I'd like though is more description of his people (birds). The narrator mentions that they're tired and they're hungry, but never anything about them. I know you don't want to outright describe them yet, but maybe in ways of colors and shapes? Where are they when he's laying in the moss?
I think it's interesting that you make the birds literally kiss each other in the same sense that humans do. I would've imagined that they nuzzle each other or something. That action makes them seem so human. It's a strange thing to imagine.
I really think the end of chapter four would be better as the beginning of chapter five. The ending of four switches styles so readers think it's a farewell, but then we've got a whole other chapter doing the same thing.
Overall, I think your story is really cool. It's written really well and the concept is is something I've never seen before. It took me a minute to catch on, but it's clever to use the words you used. Readers are able to figure it out without being told.
I really enjoyed the read. It was a bit light and airy like you said in your blog, but I think this topic has to be. It worked well for this piece.