April 17th, 2017 at 03:42pm
Awesome writing!
First the great things I think about your story:
1) Great command with character dialogue. Its show you knows your characters well.
2) Great character voice. You don’t have to use he said she said, it thought all the time because the character’s voice tells me as a reader who is speaking through the majority of the story. Awesome job on this technique!
Some examples, where I thought character voice is just awesome.
“I gave myself a once over in the full length mirror”, as opposed to something generic like, “I through some make up on in the full length mirror”.
“Look at you hooch, who are trying to snag”?
Character voice is the way your character says something from their point of view. You and I can look at something and say two different things about it and it mean the same thing. You nail it with finesse!
3) Awesome amount of description without description overkill. Have you ever read prose where the author assumes the responsibility of describing detail at the exclusion of your imagination? Yep! We all been there and read it.
Awesome example:
The place is beyond beautiful, trees galore, lake out back, but no neighbors.
How many writers would take the time painstakingly describe the color on the paint on the house and the direction of north and south and so on?
Another awesome example:
My eyes roamed over his torso, watching as his muscles twisted in his back, his strong, muscular back.
4) You create tension between Kyle and Jacob during their stay together at the summer home. This whole scene between Kyle and Jacob gets the reader anticipating that Jacob is going to seduce Kylie, but he doesn’t. Your skillful technique in getting the reader to think the story is going in the direction they assume but then you throw a loop and say, not. Keep reading! Awesome job!
Okay, I gave four great kudos, so if may give you my opinion where you could improve. And remember it’s an opinion, not personal and I will be nice.
Find adverbs and remove them. Replace the adverb with words that fulfil the role the adverb is playing in the sentence.
Example:
“Kylie”? My eyes glanced over at Jacob, memorized momentarily as he walked towards the lake, the moon shining off of his hair.
Instead consider...
My eyes glanced over at Jacob. He walk toward the lake and a flicker of moonlight reflected off of his hair, mesmerized me.
What is the difference between the two sentences? Without the adverb Kylie is telling you explicitly from her point of view what she is doing as opposed to how she is doing it. It’s the difference between showing and telling. With an adverb it tells and without an adverb but rather words of action it shows.
Let’s look at another one…
Impatiently I stood there, waiting for the cloth to hit my hand.
I stood waiting. What’s taking so long? Jacob slammed the cloth in my hand and I slammed the door shut.
Instead of an adverb I used internalization, in other words, Kyle’s thought conveys to the reader she is being impatient. Instead of telling the reader how Kyle is waiting, Kyle shows the reader she is waiting. Big difference.
You hardly have any to (verb) type sentences in your prose, which is great. The example above is one and where you find them, like the adverb get rid of them replacing them words that fulfil the infinitive.
Let’s move to another area to tighten up your awesome prose.
Converting your info-dumps into opportunities where your character can show the reader the pertinent information. In your story you have very few info dumps. That’s remarkable! In most pose I read, I am reading info dump after info dump and I am yawning.
Let’s examine an example that sticks out the most at the beginning of your story.
Kyle is telling the reader why she is named Kyle, a boy’s name. She does this as if she asking me the reader the question, which is weird. Use this as an opportunity for Kyle and mention it in dialog or internalization as opposed to dedicating a telling paragraph, which stops the flow of the story.
Discarding this info dump you can also use this an opportunity to get the reader to wonder why a girl is named Kyle, but if you tell it, it spoils the curiosity. Reveal this information using Internalization or a casual mention in dialog between Kyle and another character.
Example:
“Kyle come on”
“I’m coming.” I hate my name. Just wished my mother could accept that fact she delivered a girl.
Short, sweet and simple. Best of all, Kyle is telling us this, not you the author. We see more into Kyle’s personality and connect with her.
Then later you may sneak in another internalization that describes that her mother wished she had a boy if that advances the plot or helps further define Kyle’s personality.
I don’t really don’t want to harp on story structure for your work here because, I think what you intended here is a short story and not a novel. At the same time, this story lays a good great foundation for a novel. Keep this up, hone your skills and I believe you will be selling books.
Thank you for all of your input! I really appreciate it, especially the examples.
I don't know if I'll ever go back and edit this story, it was one of the first ones I ever finished in high school so it has a special place in my heart.
However, I will definitely keep this in mind for any stories I write in the future!