The Mailboxes - Comments

Layout + Summary
The layout is absolutely gorgeous. It's simple and lovely. I would have liked to have seen a little more of a summary, as I had nothing to really get excited about.

Content

Quote

He readjusts his backwards his backwards baseball cap and retreats back to the kitchen.

You have his backwards twice in there.

I love how you describe the scenery of Pinkus' walk home. It's so lovely to think about and picture in my mind.

Ah, I feel really bad for Pinkus! Losing all of that food must have sucked quite a bit. At least they got the woman's name, though! Nazari is quite a beautiful name.

I'm getting slight creep vibes from Pinkus, but that's just me. I'd be kinda creeped out if that happened, like if someone were always jumping out of their home to talk to me or whatever. However, it seems their intentions are in the right place, so I can't judge too hard.

I love that the reader learns a lot about Nazari without her actually having to speak a word.

I love Pinkus' inner monologues. It's like their brain is completely at war with she loves me or she loves me not, but it's so much more complicated than that, and I love how you showed that.

Woah, I can safely say I wasn't expecting things to take that kind of a turn. I'm wondering if it was just a simple nose bleed or if something else is wrong with her.

Ha, that bill feel, though. I like the fact that Pinkus decides to keep old school and use snail mail. I do the same thing, tbh. They were so close to actually speaking!!! Dang it, Pinkus!

I like how their first conversation is commenting on a cat and how small its head is, lmao. I really feel like that's such a human thing to do, though. Like, there isn't some dialogue that's completely forced and I really appreciate that.

I love Nazari so much, tbh. While she hasn't talked until the last chapter, she seems so in the know. She does her research and knows her shit, and I admire that about her.

I'm wondering if Nazari has those books on trafficking and abuse for a reason. She seems really jumpy and got super defensive when it came to Pinkus watching over her.

At first I was confused about the Sara bit, but then I realized that Nazari was her last name. Go me. But wowie, I really liked that ending! The quick sudden kiss followed by loud laughter.

I'd love to see a continuation of this. I want to see Sara and Charlie get to know one another, find out all of their secrets, etc. This was so, so lovely and I'm really, really happy you entered this in my contest. Well done!

I love the narrative of this story. It’s laid back and pretty modern. I don’t see a lot of you trying to sound super smart by putting extravagant words all over the place where they aren’t really necessary and I like it. It doesn’t come off as cocky, you know. I love the way you describe everything from the neighborhood right down to the neighbors. Each neighbor already feels like a character just from the small descriptions given in the first chapter and it’s cute how your main character obviously wants so badly to have a chance to talk with this new girl. I love it!

This is such a cute story omg. I love the imagry so much, with the descriptions of the neighbors and the cats and the houses and the wildflowers by the fence looking tired and frankly fed up with the weather. It's that hot here, now, so I can definitely relate.

To think that you wrote this entire thing from just one tiny photo. I might suggest another proofread over the whole thing, but it's no big deal.

I like how the ending is also a beginning? With the “Nice to meet you.” And how they go from last names to first names kind of ties into that ending-as-a-beginning dynamic.

@ cleopatra. thank you so much for taking the time to comment! and thank you for your suggestions, I'll definitely be changing the background

there is so much that i can relate to in this, i can barely get through a paragraph before i have to stop & be like "yes, yes that's exactly how i do things". the simple things as well! like peeking into my bag of takeout making sure these people have everything i need.

this is a very beautiful piece chalk full of detail. i think you have something wonderful started here, though i would be wary of going on about the significance of other things than the actual plot. it is a bit slow, but im sure it's going to be pick up amongst other things.

the only thing i recommend is to make the content background plain white so the text is able to be read better. it really strains the eyes, so just a thought!