June 9th, 2008 at 12:14pm
There's something about the simplicity and bluntness of the narration, that just killed me.
Spark of brilliance, Ash.
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Thank's for telling me -grumbles-
Tbqh, it was, like Isa said, so... simple, so blunt. But there was such innocent overtones, like, you captured it completely perfectly.
Love on a playground is a magical thing, but the playground is a dangerous place. One day it had rained - just for them, it only ever rained there just for them - and she slipped. And she fell. Losing the child.
The next time he kissed her forehead she was crying.
The next time he returned she wasn't there.
The inclusion of rain made me smile - its like, what they had was completely perfect, nothing could possibly marr it.
And then it rained. Funny, though, rain is usually beautiful - it isn't supposed to tear people apart -sniffles-
Clumsy the way moths seem, in the candlelight
Despite the fact that you used moths in your metaphor, I think it worked really really well. They're awkward, moths, and I think comparing moths to children was ace.
:mrgreen:
I loved it