Black Flies - Comments

oh my god, i finally am back on this site and i was so excited to finally read and complete this. and matthew that little psycho. i can't believe he was the one who started the plague. i'm curious as to how they're relationship was before this like how long they were together because i got the idea that it wasn't long before the plague started. so if that's true then omg what a little psycho, like haha, i'm gonna save you and you'll have to be with me forever. ambrosia is a gift and i hope he finds other people somewhere. >.< but any who this was excellent, i recommend the shit out of it and i look forward to anything new you write.

I've only read the first chapter but dear lord I'm in love with this. The vocabulary you use make this so elegant and incredible. I cannot wait to finish it. <3

Chapter 1

The first chapter opened the story perfectly. You did a great job of (1) giving us background story on the world this story takes place in, (2) giving us background info on the two main characters, (3) making it interesting. The description was beautifully done. It was informative without being dull, and colorful without being too flowerly. The perfect balance.

Even though it's just the first chapter, I feel like I've already learned a lot about Matthew and Ambrosio. Matthew seems to be the homebody scientist - staying close to their new home and trying to use his intellect to keep them alive. He also seems to be the one that's a little more sensitive. While Ambrosio is the rugged scavenger, finding practical ways to keep them going, and I feel like his role as scavenger has made him a little tougher. It seems like they'll make a good pair, since they each have their own important roles to play.

Chapter 2

I'm always a little weary when I read stories that flip between narrators - I always feel like I like one narrator better than they other and then reading the chapters with the narrator I don't like, always seems like a chore - but I think it works well for this story.

Matthew is definitely the sensitive one. I felt like his chapter was a lot more introspective than Ambrosio's. But the two together allows me to get a better picture of what their world is like and how they're adapting/living. His memories of Ambrosio were quietly sweet, which I loved. It was a nice little glimpse into their life before things got really bad and it didn't seem out of place for the world they're living in now.

Chapter 3

Ambrosio is turning out to be such a sweetheart. I actually sighed adoringly when I read that first chapter - about him planting the rosary for Matthew to find. I love that he's subtly taking care of Matthew and that he's so tuned in to Matthews emotional state.

Living after almost everyone else has passed was tolerable most days, and I eased into the lifestyle a little more each day... I really liked this line and the idea that you could get used to anything over time - even horrible things.

Knowing more about the pandemic is making me a little nervous. I'm starting to wonder if Matthew (or maybe the people he worked for before) had anything to do with the engineering of it. I'm getting some Oryx and Crake vibes here. And I feel like some seeds of suspicion is growing between Matthew and Ambrosio.

That last scene also made me wonder about who Matthew and Ambrosio were before they met and before the pandemic. It seems like they both go through a lot of trouble to keep their pasts locked up and I can't imagine it's for any good reason.

Chapter 4

I was a little surprised to see Ambrosio confront Matthew directly. A part of me thought they were, at least in some part, walking on eggshells around each other (since they very well may be the only two people left in the world, I imagine they wouldn't want to piss each other off and end up alone). But I was also really relieved to see that he did - even if perhaps the conflict isn't fully resolved. I can already see distrust and resentment building between the two of them, so I'm glad some off that pressure was taken off by their chat.

Still, Matthew is definitely holding back and I'm desperate to find out what exactly he doesn't want to share.

Chapter 5

I feel like one of the reasons Ambrosio has become so fixated on snooping out what Matthew's hiding is because there's literally nothing else to distract him from it. What else does he have to do but analyze any little crack he might find in Matthew. I think it's interesting (and realistic) that this would happen. I mean, on one hand, you would think that when there's only two people left in the world (or, at least, on an island), they would put up with each other no matter what - nothing either of them did would matter, because what choice would they have but to trust in each other. But I think that human nature coupled with that intense kind of boredom would definitely push people to do things that would maybe be destructive to them in the end. And, if you're the only two survivors, you would probably feel like you need to learn every single detail about each other, even if that would ruin you both.

Oh, Matthew, the mad-scientist. Definitely an Oryx and Crake scenario.

Chapter 6/7

Oy. I figured Ambrosio couldn't live with what Matthew had done. Couldn't live with a man who killed billions and all but wiped out the human population. I thought he might have killed himself or left Matthew. But a mercy killing of his own was also an option.

I did wonder what Matthew thought he was saving people from. Like what his exact motives were? What horrors were humans inflecting on themselves that he felt he had to put a stop to it? And after he'd done so, what was the ultimate goal? Re-population?

----

Overall, this was an excellent story. The plot, the narration, the characters, and even the length of it all was perfect. I really enjoyed reading it.

"Near silence; I could hear the ocean resounding from the open window in the other room, calmed again to a rhythmic pulse. Matthew’s did not answer it." AHHH THIS WAS SO GOOD. I LOVE THE IMAGERY AND UGH THE SEA YES AMAZING I'M SPEACHLESS. YOU TOOK MY BREATH AWAY. Ugh this is so good and the mood is so dark and just beautiful. I'm gonna go wail in a corner now. You're writing style is just diviNe. It's a lot more like prose. Now that she has killed Matthew however, it almost seemed like she was going to join him in death but she also seemed to hint that she would eventually. Makes me wonder if she plans to end her own life soon. hmmm

@ oh bear
omg and I don't use that acronym a lot. thank you so much, though, and you're right--I do need to do another quick lookthrough for errors you're also right in that it was meant to be ambiguous. thank you for everything; I'm glad you liked it!

Holy shit I kind of feel like I have to go outside or something and be in the sun after reading this. Which sounds bad now that I've written it out but it's a good thing, I swear. It's because this story was so dark and I really got pulled into it. And because I'm such a hoe about layouts, I'm gonna preface by saying W O W because I love how everything fits the story: the lil fly at the bottom of the heart, the low poly heart itself, and the water.

Chapter One :: I feel like I've said this 10297401824 times but I love reading stories where the first line is a hook and as soon as I read Winter brought an unprecedented haze over the ocean I knew I was going to keep going with the whole story even though you're like some kind of GRRM. I really like the pacing of this chapter. It was really informative about what had happened, and about Ambrosio's personality, without giving away too much at once. I really like the way you closed the chapter off, with some more "factual" bits (i.e. what's happening in the story) juxtaposed with the more poetic, "artistic" bits.

Chapter Two :: I like the way you begin this chapter as well. Now that I'm going back and commenting I'm seeing some more stuff that I didn't notice before, like: “I didn’t save you for that,” I’d said. Skipping a little ahead, I really like the way you constructed this line: A breeze invited itself in through the still-open window over the table. The formatting of this:
“Matthew!” I heard a shout echo from the shore and stalled the motor.

“Amor!” I had to squint to see Ambrosio through the fog. He jumped up and down, arms above his head. “Wait for me!”
confused me a wee bit because I thought Matthew was shouting his own name. MOVING ON, I thought it was strange that Matthew and Ambros knew so little about each other. I like the backstory on how they met, and how you show (vs tell) so much in just a few words. Also, I never know the proper etiquette on what to do when I see a typo, so I'll just leave it unless you want to know specifically. How I'm so awkward even in comments is beyond me. I really like this sentence: The rosary, forgotten until then, dangled between us.

The last part of the chapter is probably my favourite because I can picture them treading water, and I feel the way you described it — which is very subtle and sparing — really emphasised my own experiences because I've spent so much time in sea water as well.

Chapter Three :: In this chapter I like the way you show how Ambros cares about Matthew (him hoping that losing the rosary would help). I love the transition between that and the things that used to exist but are now gone, and how the rosary itself is now gone. I think the organisation of your chapters is really something to be commended, actually. It's very practical and makes sense, but also chronological in terms of the plot.

I had to remind him to do this, and in response he smiled and nodded sheepishly, as if he’d already forgotten about the illness that had killed everyone we’d known. OOH, SHIT. See, reading this the first time 'round I thought Matthew had just grown complacent, or was really forgetful, because I fully would do that in a "post apocalypse" situation. BUT NOW I SEE IT.

I walked down the halls, careful not to touch anything, until I found a single room that brimmed with light. The tone and voice of your writing in this chapter really lent to this, but I found this sentence stuck out to me because it seems kind of suspenseful, and in my head I pictured Ambros walking down the middle of a hallway, shoulders tense and not touching anything. I don't know. I was kind of suspicious of Matthew the first read, but now I KNOW, DAMMIT.

Chapter Four :: I probably sound redundant but I really like how you show vs tell (i.e. how you show Ambros is avoiding Matthew, and a little bit how pensive he is, I think). I also like the way you like kind of "omit" information in the way that a lot of trivia true-false questions give specific percentages so it's easier to be wrong. For instance, I was incredulous. “The generator? That’s what this is about?”. Because Matthew would obviously have been genuinely incredulous, but at this point in the story it still makes him seem a bit innocent. I also really love the reiteration of Can all souls be saved? and its minor variations throughout the chapters.

Chapter Five :: I like how Ambros is suspicious because I feel like it fits his personality. In spite of him being "a poet" and a "romantic" and a painter he seems to be a very logical person, and doesn't forget things like "sterilise the handbars of the bike". Also, the physics thing.

I really like the similes and metaphors that you use, and how easily you slip between plot and prose. I also really like this The current had me, and I would not fight it. because oftentimes I feel like with first person, it's very strange when all of a sudden they become very poetic, but due to your writing voice in this story it's very normal. I also in particular like that sentence because it goes back to how Matthew says that Ambros is a child of the sea.

Okay so I just hit preview and I realised how fucking long this is and it's like 5k words I'm so sorry if you read through all of this and I'm going to be shorter. SORRY FRIEND

For chapter 6 I really like how they try to maintain some semblance of "normal". It's also so interesting to see Matthew's mindset on this. The world around us was at peace, and I had delivered it. Is really creepy.

And hooooly shit I can tell you straight up I did not anticipate what was going to happen in chapter 7 until chapter 7. I think my favourite thing about chapter seven is the ending. I probably didn't understand it properly (gg @ my reading comprehension) but reading this (strangely) reminded me of reading Poe's work, and also The Great Gatsby. The ending seems kind of ambiguous to me, which I like (sorry if that wasn't what was intended, though). I'm assuming he burnt the house, and I like how you didn't use those words specifically. I'm so sorry this comment went to shit but at the length it was I didn't want to bore you / make you read this whole thing. Just know that I totally love this story to bits n thank you for sharing it!

@ skywalkers.
My hats' off to you.

@ Alex Moore.
I made the layout, yeah

WOw I am in love with this background, Who made this? did you?

@ kaz brekker
wowww thank you so much. I just

This needs to be published. This seriously just needs to be a book that I can buy and own because it is so well-written and so perfect.

It starts with a bang and then settles into this slow boil. I know something's coming and I'm probably definitely going to hate you just because you said I would and I did love it, but the thing about it is that I have no idea what the hell is coming. I just know that it is. Like it's there on the horizon but I have no idea what the degree of storm is going to be. And I'm eyeing the hell out of Matthew because he's being suspicious af — I also don't like when characters start stuttering when they get busted somewhere. I'm ONTO YOU MATTHEW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M ONTO, BUT I'M ONTO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU STUTTERED AND WEREN'T WEARING GLOVES.

I don't know where I'm going to be left at the end with the relationship between Ambrosio and Matthew, but I do love that you change perspectives because it showcases the differences between the two. (Though now I'm going back and rereading the first two chapters for Foreshadowing because of how chapter three ended, and now I'm starting to wonder if it's way more than just plain survivor's guilt because now some of the things stand out a lot more. But maybe I'm paranoid??)

I love the pacing, it's driving me nuts. It's slow and done in leisure, but at the same time I know that when it comes all together, it's going to fly. Your writing is so so great and beautiful that I actually get sorta overwhelmed and have to stop and go back to a sentence. I seriously just get so oh my god about the depth of your writing that I'm not totally computing what I'm reading for a second.

I juST LOVE THIS OKAY?

okay have a nice day and please update thank you
and oh boy am I glad I dropped out of that contest