Hi! I'm here to judge for my contest (after 900 years, my b )
Layout/Summary: Ugh, praise Alex for such a beautiful layout, seriously. As for your summary, I like that it goes right to the point, but it is a bit redundant. The 1st paragraph and the 2nd paragraph essentially say the exact same things except that in the 2nd paragraph, you're addressing the reader. You would probably have been fine taking that 2nd part out and leaving it be. Also, the word 'alien' doesn't need to be capitalized.
CHAPTER 1: So the first paragraph has me a little confused. I think there's something missing here because the first two lines talks about her life and then all of a sudden, she had to get used to living on Mars. There's no link between the two. Maybe it's just the wording? I don't know, but it was a little strange for me to read.
'Life' shouldn't be capitalized in the 2nd paragraph.
Basically everyone on earth died in the explosion. – I kind of expected this to be a lot more dramatic than one casual line. Especially for it to be such a pertinent part of her back story, the reason why she's on Mars, I think a little description would've been helpful.
I didn’t meet Brad until I moved to Mars but I’ll save that story for another time. That’s a complicated story that I’m not ready to discuss yet. – you shouldn't have mentioned this if you weren't going to talk about it in this chapter.
I like that the rest of the chapter clearly sets up everything that'll eventually lands Sabrina in 'space jail', which keeps me hooked, I really want to know what happened.
One more thing, just because I'm a huge space nerd, Mars is actually very cold compared to Earth. It's highest temps are like 70 degrees Fahrenheit. And Saturn is extremely cold, like -300 degrees Fahrenheit or something. I get with science fiction it's fun and easy to make things up, in fact, I fucking love that about it, but if you're gonna base something off real things, then some research could have been done. It just makes it seem like they're still on Earth and her parents are going to, I dunno, Scotland or something. It sets up the setting, you know? But who knows, maybe this story takes place in 5000 years and (rather drastic) climate change happens on other planets too?
CHAPTER 2: 'Tablet' doesn't need to be capitalized in the 2nd paragraph.
“So what should we do tonight?” She asked.
“I guess we could have a sleepover or something.” I said. The dialogue here should have 'she' lowercase in the first line, and there should be a comma instead of a period in the 2nd line.
The last paragraph before the break ended on a odd note. It made me go, "whoa, what?" I think something could've been added there instead of saying that this friendship is weird and Sabrina doesn't know how they managed to stay friends. I hope that's explained soon and maybe it is.
Oh, now it's Brad's turn. I wasn't expecting that, but it's interesting.
There's very little description here, though I do like only-dialogue sections sometimes, I think that it's necessary here in particular, especially because it's so short and quick and him agreeing to go on a date with a random person is a little off-putting. It's probably because we don't know Brad well enough, maybe that's his personality, but it'd be hard for the reader to deduce with such little information.
CHAPTER 3: Okay, we're missing a pretty big chunk of the story here. I mean, it's obvious that Brad's blind date was gonna be Sabrina, but what was Sabrina's reaction to her friend setting her up? What was it like when they first met? Are we gonna go back to the past and see that date happening soon?
Also the point of view change was unexpected and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It does show us what both sides are thinking, but I think you could've done that the same way you did the last chapter and just have broken it up. It's inconsistent, in my opinion.
I do like the cliffhanger at the end, though. I, myself, am a huge fan of writing them.
OVERALL I know this seems like one huge essay of a criticism, but I think your story still has a lot of potential. That's the thing with science fiction, you can do whatever the hell you want with it. And I think sprucing your story up a little (just my opinion though, you obviously don't have to go through with it) would make it pretty great.
Layout/Summary:
Ugh, praise Alex for such a beautiful layout, seriously. As for your summary, I like that it goes right to the point, but it is a bit redundant. The 1st paragraph and the 2nd paragraph essentially say the exact same things except that in the 2nd paragraph, you're addressing the reader. You would probably have been fine taking that 2nd part out and leaving it be. Also, the word 'alien' doesn't need to be capitalized.
CHAPTER 1:
So the first paragraph has me a little confused. I think there's something missing here because the first two lines talks about her life and then all of a sudden, she had to get used to living on Mars. There's no link between the two. Maybe it's just the wording? I don't know, but it was a little strange for me to read.
'Life' shouldn't be capitalized in the 2nd paragraph.
Basically everyone on earth died in the explosion. – I kind of expected this to be a lot more dramatic than one casual line. Especially for it to be such a pertinent part of her back story, the reason why she's on Mars, I think a little description would've been helpful.
I didn’t meet Brad until I moved to Mars but I’ll save that story for another time. That’s a complicated story that I’m not ready to discuss yet. – you shouldn't have mentioned this if you weren't going to talk about it in this chapter.
I like that the rest of the chapter clearly sets up everything that'll eventually lands Sabrina in 'space jail', which keeps me hooked, I really want to know what happened.
One more thing, just because I'm a huge space nerd, Mars is actually very cold compared to Earth. It's highest temps are like 70 degrees Fahrenheit. And Saturn is extremely cold, like -300 degrees Fahrenheit or something. I get with science fiction it's fun and easy to make things up, in fact, I fucking love that about it, but if you're gonna base something off real things, then some research could have been done. It just makes it seem like they're still on Earth and her parents are going to, I dunno, Scotland or something. It sets up the setting, you know? But who knows, maybe this story takes place in 5000 years and (rather drastic) climate change happens on other planets too?
CHAPTER 2:
'Tablet' doesn't need to be capitalized in the 2nd paragraph.
“So what should we do tonight?” She asked.
“I guess we could have a sleepover or something.” I said.
The dialogue here should have 'she' lowercase in the first line, and there should be a comma instead of a period in the 2nd line.
The last paragraph before the break ended on a odd note. It made me go, "whoa, what?" I think something could've been added there instead of saying that this friendship is weird and Sabrina doesn't know how they managed to stay friends. I hope that's explained soon and maybe it is.
Oh, now it's Brad's turn. I wasn't expecting that, but it's interesting.
There's very little description here, though I do like only-dialogue sections sometimes, I think that it's necessary here in particular, especially because it's so short and quick and him agreeing to go on a date with a random person is a little off-putting. It's probably because we don't know Brad well enough, maybe that's his personality, but it'd be hard for the reader to deduce with such little information.
CHAPTER 3:
Okay, we're missing a pretty big chunk of the story here. I mean, it's obvious that Brad's blind date was gonna be Sabrina, but what was Sabrina's reaction to her friend setting her up? What was it like when they first met? Are we gonna go back to the past and see that date happening soon?
Also the point of view change was unexpected and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It does show us what both sides are thinking, but I think you could've done that the same way you did the last chapter and just have broken it up. It's inconsistent, in my opinion.
I do like the cliffhanger at the end, though. I, myself, am a huge fan of writing them.
OVERALL
I know this seems like one huge essay of a criticism, but I think your story still has a lot of potential. That's the thing with science fiction, you can do whatever the hell you want with it. And I think sprucing your story up a little (just my opinion though, you obviously don't have to go through with it) would make it pretty great.
Good job!