Dying to Live, Living to Die. - Comments

Great story! I love that this was inspired by a dream. (Are you watching a lot of zombie shows?)

You did a really great job of balancing the zombie-crazy world and showing the real stuff (like the details of Kara's home and the nice sweet stuff Kara remembered - like how her daughter's hair moved). I thought that was a nice touch, being able to see the two different versions of how the world was/is side-by-side.

How you constantly showed two different opposing settings against each other - like the chaos and carnage going on outside the house and then the scary quiet of where Kara and Ana are hiding, or the noise from the plane crash and the silence of Kara's car - was really great too.

Even though this is a one-shot, I love how it's so full. There's stuff about the zombie invasion, stuff about Kara and Ana's family and home, and I feel like a got a lot about Kara as a character too. I love that you fit so much into less than 1000 words.

I haven't read very many zombie stories that I actually like; I think it's a hard genre to master and it's easy to be cliche considering how popular zombie fiction is right now. However, your story has drawn me in and made me truly curious to know more. I'm subscribed now!

I did notice some grammar issues and run on sentences; it may help to consider using a beta before posting. If you need someone to make corrections for you, I'm totally open to it at the moment! You also accidentally switch tenses in the opening paragraph of the introduction:

Themus was a good man, he took people in where he could as long as they never broke his rules or put his family in danger. He protected us like we protected him, as a payment for his help. It was Mark that she had to look out for, he was a dangerous man but Themus never saw it, he saw a troubled man who lost a lot.

You switch from using a first person point of view (us) to using third person point of view (she), which I highlighted above in bold.

The only other tip I really have is to perhaps be more descriptive in your writing. A lot has happened already, and you're only three chapters in, but I feel like I don't know as much about the story as I should. Even just scenery descriptions can sometimes help us learn more about the main character.

i think zombie stories can be a make & break, & i think you have something really interesting & original going. from the first chapter, you set up a collection of characters w/o overwhelming the reader which is wonderful. even if it's a preview, there aren't large info dumps or the such & it's very easy to follow. needless to say, mark sounds like a little, sly fox who im questioning bc hmm, you murdered themus, took over the group & then banished a girl you didn't seem to like.

i did see some errors in this piece though. w/ a quick proofread, i'm sure you can see them as i have. in the second paragraph, "mark" isn't capitalized & in the third paragraph, "votes" should be "voted". there were a few others, but nothing too intense c: great job on this.