Sterling's Daughter - Comments

Yes. a rewrite is essential. That doesn't mean that everything you have is a waste. You have a 25 chapters written, a plethora of scenes and ideas to use a resource for your rewrite. Before you rewrite it I encourage you to acquire a kindle book titled "5 Secrets of Story Structure" written by KM Weiland on Amazon.com Its free of charge. If you don't have kindle reader application for your PC you may be able to find that free of charge too.

Read that kindle book and think about all your content you wrote in the 25 chapters.
What does Laya want? What problem does Laya need to resolve? What will bring balance into her life?
Who will oppose Laya? Who may tempt and lead Laya astray from her goal?
There is much more to think about and this book will get you in the right direction.

@ jaxprog
okay...wow!! a lot to think about!
No seriously, thanks a lot...this is what i need to help me along...
When i first started this story I had big ideas about it but the longer it took to write the more I lost the flow of the plot/story/problems etc and so I tended to hurry and just try and get it out, which could be one of the reasons i flip flop as you put it.
I've considered rewriting the story a bit, do you think it's worth it? Or maybe I'll just start another story and see if I can construct it a little better...if i'm honest, i know this story is pretty terrible!
thanks for commenting...it means a lot to me and i'll keep it all in mind :)

There is absolutely no doubt that you execute finesse and skill in your writing. Great character voice in every single character, especially Laya. Awesome amount of tension and conflict between characters and interacting with each other. Fantastic foreshadowing events and bringing those events to maturity in the story.

The one thing I kept asking myself during all 25 chapters is, what is the story's goal? In this story what is it that Laya wants? What is driving her or motivating her? If Laya fails to achieve what she wants, what would be the consequences of that failure? What's at stake? And how are those stakes being raised as the story progresses?

I could be a complete dolt and missed the goal, but after 25 chapters with no end in sight it leaves me to believe the story has absolutely no plot. Its one event after another. Its as if I am reading Laya's daily dairy. Every scene is like a snapshot in the day and life of Laya Sterling.

The bottom line is the story lacks structure. Doesn't mean its not will written, it just lacks structure.

Give Laya Sterling a goal, her problem that she has to solve. Something that drives her in order to achieve balance in her life and if this problem is not resolved there are consequences.

Next you need something that is going to oppose Laya's goal at every front. Something or someone that will oppose her and continue to raise the stakes.

For example:
In your story you foreshadow using Zena that Laya is afraid to fall in love. You could bring that foreshadowing much earlier in the story.

Deep down inside Laya does want Will to sweep her off her feet.
Story Goal: Hook up with Will
Laya's internal goal: overcoming the fear of falling in love

Now you need something to oppose the story goal.
Guess who else wants Will to sweep her off her feet? Kirsty likes Will too.

So now you have this dynamic of tension of conflict of two best friends who are vying for the same boy's affection. Imagine the ramifications that will have on their friendship.

Another example:
Laya is determined to win the championship for a horse obstacle course riding competition. If she wins she gets a free scholarship to some university that specializes in horse training.
Laya's internal goal is self actualization.

However there is somebody else who wants that championship just as much as she does. Will wants that championship too.

The stakes are high. A free scholarship to learn and become a horse whisperer. That's big!

Let me stress again. Your writing skills are great. Take those skills and apply structure and soon you will be selling books.

Another observation I made in your story is your choice of narrative distance. It flip-flops between omniscient, medium and deep point of view, however its predominantly omniscient with deep point of view balancing out to medium. if that makes sense.

Polish this story using deep point of view only and pull back when transitioning between scenes and equally important non plot driving moments
What defines a distant narrative compared to deep point of view?
Its how close you get to the main character in this case Laya.

For example using your own prose:
3rd person limited - distant narrative

The first class was well into its period when the door banged open. Every head turned towards it. In the doorway stood a cute boy with dark eyes and a shock of brown hair. Laya felt her eyes widen with curiosity as she took him in. She'd never seen him before, and school had started 3 days ago. He must be new.
"Ah, Mr Hamilton," Miss Jens, the English teacher, stated dryly. "You have arrived, I see."
The boy just stared at the class and its petite teacher.
"And?" he asked, looking very disinterested.
"Take a seat in the corner beside Laya please," Miss Jens pointed to the seat, unmoved by his grouchy attitude.
Reluctantly, the boy headed for hte seat, and Laya summoned up a frown as he sat down.

If I were to convert this to Deep Point of View it would read something like this...

In the middle of first period the classroom door banged open. Laya turned. Who stood in the doorway? Butterflies lifted from her tummy to her head. She widened her eyes like seeing a Tom Cruise poster. She focused on his dark eyes and brown hair. She hadn't seen a guy this cute yet. School had just started three days ago, no doubt a new student.

"Ah, Mr. Hamilton, I've been expecting you." Miss Jens said.

He stood there, looked around and shrugged. "And?"

"Take a seat in the corner beside Laya please"

She hadn't liked that he may have sat next to her. Her seat and those around her were her personal space and only friends may have sat there. She trained her eyes on him.

He moved toward the seat and sat down.

The butterflies that once intrigued her left and a knot formed up in her throat.

See the difference. From Laya's point of view we could never know that Miss Jenn's was unmoved by his grouchy attitude. Those feeling comes from Miss Jenn's and she is not the viewpoint character, Laya is. Furthermore Laya can't know that Will reluctantly heads for the seat because that's assuming Will's feeling and again he not the viewpoint character. On the hand in 3rd person omniscient revealing these feelings is possible.

So where you have words like he thought or she whispered, adverbs and infinitives all these word are hallmark of distant narrative. These words create distance between the reader and Laya. Notice in my version there are no adverbs, no infinitives and I use tags or beats that initially identify the speaker. This brings the reader closer to Laya as opposed being told what Laya is doing or thinking.

Where you have words and phrases in our text that Laya is experiencing something, for example

Laya pursed her lips, trying to slow her racing pulse.

Zeroing on "Laya pursed her lips" is showing which moves the read closer to Laya but then you immediately distance the reader using an infinitive, "tying to slow". In 3rd person omniscient sure, its okay but really we never see Laya trying to slow. Its her intention to slow but it never happens. Furthermore using the word try implies immediate failure. Here is how it can happen and see the difference.

Laya pursed her lips and her pulse slowed.

Now we are close and experiencing her.

So there are a lot areas in your manuscript where you flip flop. I guess what it comes down to, if wanted to write a story where the narrator is outside of the all characters and can dictate who feels what and any given time in order to convey the story, then you are on the right track. On the other hand, if you want a story where the reader is experiencing Laya consider rewriting in Deep Point of View. If you do Deep Point of View you can still have more than one view point character. For example, Will and Kirsty would be excellent candidates to show the story from their perspective in deep point of view and then as a reader I can experience those characters just as much as Laya.

Just food for thought.

Keep writing. Have Fun. Peace.

No problem. I'm glad I could help

@ Ethan Earley
thanks for the comment...!! this is one of my first stories so i'm just getting into the flow of it...! ideas are always welcome and thanks so much for the feedback!! i will take it on board!!

This is an interesting idea, apart from the odd typo it's well written. In my opinion I wouldn't reveal her feelings for him off the bat. Maybe they could have a sort of metaphoric battle which provokes their feelings for eachother but hey it's your story I'm just bouncing ideas :). Thumbs up tho.