First off, you made a good choice in choosing that particular Urban Legend. I really liked that you decided to write from the perspective of the original one. The first chapter captivated the mother’s suffering as she gave birth, and then her reaction and emotions towards the bad news that her baby boy didn’t survived. The first chapter had an eerie and ominous setting towards the interaction between her husband and the doctor that let me know something wasn’t right, which is good because it drew me more in without wanting to stop reading.
I loved the second chapter because it gave a little suspense to what she was going to encounter in the river, especially after hearing her baby’s cries and looking at his body floating around. The feeling of desperation of a mother trying to hold the lifeless body of her child, but not able to do so was very powerful and you managed to make me feel very bad and sad for her as you described her emotions very detailed.
Each word that you used connected to the story very well, and it made me feel what Lilian was going through at some point. I liked the resolution, specially the information about the mysterious deaths over the years, which gave a sense of how the whole legend started, and it was great to do.
Layout/Mood
The image you chose for the cover was amazing and mysterious. Describing the setting in a simple picture was a good way to go. The mood of the story is what I want to read in an Urban Legend like this one. Even though is simple, it still held darkness, eeriness and suspense.
Sentences/Grammar/Spelling
Honestly, I didn’t see a lot of mistakes, and the very little I noticed didn’t distract me from reading the story.
Quote
In this moment she swore fealty to herself that she would here on out abstain from all intercourse in fear of becoming pregnant again and having to endure this pain once more.
I think the sentence would have sounded a little better if you added the word “be” between would and here and if you changed on out abstain for another paraphrase that connects to the sentence structure.
Quote
Lillian started at her husbands face, briefly stunned before tears started flowing down her cheeks.
I think you meant to write stared instead of started. Husband’s face is a possessive noun and should include an apostrophe.
There are some commas missing like In this moment, she swore fealty to herself, that she would be here…
This is a great story. I really enjoyed it. Thank you so much for participating and good luck!
Plot
First off, you made a good choice in choosing that particular Urban Legend. I really liked that you decided to write from the perspective of the original one. The first chapter captivated the mother’s suffering as she gave birth, and then her reaction and emotions towards the bad news that her baby boy didn’t survived. The first chapter had an eerie and ominous setting towards the interaction between her husband and the doctor that let me know something wasn’t right, which is good because it drew me more in without wanting to stop reading.
I loved the second chapter because it gave a little suspense to what she was going to encounter in the river, especially after hearing her baby’s cries and looking at his body floating around. The feeling of desperation of a mother trying to hold the lifeless body of her child, but not able to do so was very powerful and you managed to make me feel very bad and sad for her as you described her emotions very detailed.
Each word that you used connected to the story very well, and it made me feel what Lilian was going through at some point. I liked the resolution, specially the information about the mysterious deaths over the years, which gave a sense of how the whole legend started, and it was great to do.
Layout/Mood
The image you chose for the cover was amazing and mysterious. Describing the setting in a simple picture was a good way to go. The mood of the story is what I want to read in an Urban Legend like this one. Even though is simple, it still held darkness, eeriness and suspense.
Sentences/Grammar/Spelling
Honestly, I didn’t see a lot of mistakes, and the very little I noticed didn’t distract me from reading the story.I think the sentence would have sounded a little better if you added the word “be” between would and here and if you changed on out abstain for another paraphrase that connects to the sentence structure.I think you meant to write stared instead of started. Husband’s face is a possessive noun and should include an apostrophe.
There are some commas missing like In this moment, she swore fealty to herself, that she would be here…
This is a great story. I really enjoyed it. Thank you so much for participating and good luck!