December 3rd, 2016 at 12:58am
Alrighty! First, I like the premise of the story. Very The 100, which I love. I love that a young woman is the leader of a prosperous colony. That being said, it's hard to believe she really is the leader with Mac and Tamin always telling her what to do. I get that it adds drama and she always pushes back and reminds them who's in charge, but their insubordination is too easily dismissed and really should be a nonissue.
One tiny thing in chapter one, when you described the colony as a "small campsite" but it was full of "beautiful two and three story houses"... I think these are opposing descriptions.
And I'm wondering why Dad isn't capitalized.
One more thing is that this seems to be mostly in present tense (I applaud you for that because I think it's a harder tense to write a story in) but you switched over to past tense a few times. Not overwhelmingly confusing, just something to look out for.
I'll be subscribing and I hope to read more soon!
Thanks for pointing out some of the flaws! I definitely will go back and change the "small campsite" part. As for Mac and Tamin, I guess I really wanted to show that they don't think she has what it takes to be a leader but I understand what you're talking about.