Shattered Crowns - Comments

@ morning song
I went in and put "Sorina" where it goes from third person to her POV.

@ cassiopeia;
Ahh, so her parents decided to go the smart route with protection. I haven't read many stories where that happens. The royal family usually just have the regular guards that everyone knows about, and when things go wrong, those guards get taken out pretty quickly xD Thank you for telling me all of that! I was reading, trying to logic my way through, and I wasn't sure if I was making the right assumptions or not, but like I said, I do overthink things quite a bit.

@ morning song
Firstly, thank you for reading and commenting! :) to address your questions about Rowan: she actually was trained from a very young age to be both a guard and a handmaiden, and the king and queen know about it because they approved it. Basically, the idea is for Sorina to have a female guard who can also pass as her lady in waiting; someone that the general public won't know is also a badass. Plus since Rowan is a girl, so she can be with Sorina no matter where she goes. regular guards are too conspicuous so would-be attackers would know to watch them closely and take them out to get to Sorina, but Rowan would be overlooked and underestimated because the world thinks she's just a maid. I just wanted to clear that up for you! Don't want my readers to feel lost trying to read the story.

I was so happy to click this and find out it was fantasy. I've actually never come across anything where elves and vampires were in bad relations with each other (actually, I don't think I've ever seen elves and vampires in the same universe), so that piqued my interest immediately. I was really excited going into the first chapter. That said, I'm going to freely admit that the writing of the first part of the chapter threw me off a bit. I can't quite say what it is, but I had to slow down to make sure I was reading things correctly. I think it's either because it's in present tense or because I expected it to read more like an old history book and it sounds more like someone speaking. I really have no idea.

Reading further into the chapter, I like the relationship between Sorina and Rowan right off the bat. They seem to be close, like childhood friends, though I have to admit that I'm curious about Rowan. Obviously, it's known that she's a handmaiden, but what is she doing that she has to be careful not to be caught? And who, exactly, doesn't know that she's a secret guard? I could understand if it were normal people, but I would think that Sorina's parents would know, at the very least, plus a few trusted people, and if it was that much of a secret, then Rowan would have been trained from a young age for this position, meaning there wouldn't be any need for her to be worried over too much on a day-to-day basis. Of course, I tend to overthink things.

Overall, I thought you did a really good job with this! I think you should definitely keep going with this! Umm, a few parting words... That first part you have at the beginning? You might consider expanding it into a little scene that can serve as a introduction, or you could take it out altogether. I don't think it quite fits within the chapter, and much of what you say there is going to be later explained to the reader. I really liked your description of the sunrise that you made, so I would love to see more description out of this, rather than it relying too much on conversation, but it sounds like you've got yourself a solid, good foundation, and you should keep going with this! I'm sorry if I came off as rude at first by the way. Honestly, I'm just trying to help, and if you like your story the way it is, ignore every suggestion I made and just keep going with it like it is.

I really love fantasy stories and I definitely went through my arranged marriage phase, so this is like the best of both worlds. However, I was really confused after the first paragraph. I had no idea whose POV it was in and just kept reading to figure it out. Once I did, I had to go back and reread through her lens so it would made sense. Also, I was surprised that Rowan was a girl. I know it said that in the summary, but I'm a bit biased about that name from other novels, so idk. Just seemed a bit weird to me.

Also, why is her handmaiden armed? And when you're describing Sorina, be careful not to set her up to be too perfect. High cheekbones, "brilliant" green eyes, "constant debate." I think by the time you're older than like five, nobody really cares which parent you look more like...

I'm really interested in the concept of this story. But I wish there was more conflict. Sorina just accepts that she's being forced to marry her enemy. And more than that, she smiles about it. It's just too easy.

At the end of chapter three, I just really still want more conflict. More fear, more worry. I really like the idea and I hope that the conflict will build when she's forced to leave her home. I hope that we get more details (where will she live? How will it work?) And that we hear more about her Elven culture. I don't think that's been mentioned at all.

I think the use of elves and vampires is so unique! I haven't ever seen that before, so that in itself is pleasant. Like shego. mentioned, I think that first paragraph would be nice alone prior to part one (but either way works).

I have to say that I love the relationship between Sorina and Rowan. It is such a genuine friendship and is so well-written. The banter between them is my favorite part. I'm curious to see how their relationship develops with the marriage.

As for Sorina, I can see that she is going to be such a strong character. It seems that she'll do anything for her people, which is commendable. But I can also see that she isn't a push over. I smiled when she wanted them to explain why they were early.

I'm really looking forward to more! Great job!

I'm really digging this so far. I like the idea of elves and vampires never being able to get along because they're so alike, and the idea that the queens were able to peacefully come together and come up with a solution just made me laugh. XD I also really like that Rowan is Sorina's personal guard, not just her haidmadien. The only critique I have so far is that the opening part of chapter one would've been better as a prologue - or even the story description. What you have (for the story description) is fine, and where that opening paragraph is fine, but it'd flow better as it's own thing.

I'm intrigued by what you have so far. I can't wait to read more, and I'm really excited to see how Sorina and Andrei play off of each other, and how she and Rowan will interact with the vampire society.