Pink Skies - Comments

This was absolutely gorgeous, probably one of the best pieces of work I have read on Mibba so far! I cannot begin to describe the feelings I've felt reading this and how much I love this. You wrote this so beautifully. I love the relationship between the sun and the moon and how they can only see each other at the solstice. Their relationship is so beautiful but it's also sad, but I find that the sad parts of their relationship are what makes it more beautiful if that makes sense. There's something about the way you wrote this that makes it feel so soft and warm. You are an amazing writer and I will definitely be reading more of your work!

This is so gorgeous. I have always adored stories which are heavy on description since so often nowadays stories like to go straight into the action and major plot points without taking the time to set the scene. It's an old style of writing and I'm so glad to see it in a modern story.

The metaphor looped through this entire story is so elegantly done, and I love the idea of the sun and moon being in this beautiful but sad relationship where they can only see each other at the solstice (nice touch with that by the way).

Love this so much and I will be certainly checking out more of your stories <3

This is so gorgeous. I have always adored stories which are heavy on description since so often nowadays stories like to go straight into the action and major plot points without taking the time to set the scene. It's an old style of writing and I'm so glad to see it in a modern story.

The metaphor looped through this entire story is so elegantly done, and I love the idea of the sun and moon being in this beautiful but sad relationship where they can only see each other at the solstice (nice touch with that by the way).

Love this so much and I will be certainly checking out more of your stories <3

Wow! I don't know what my expectations were, but they were positively exceeded! Beautiful story!

When I started reading this, I had no idea it would be a love story between the sun and the moon, but I was pleasantly surprised. This was beautifully written. I felt like the whole story was very soft and gentle (in a good way!) and even the descriptions you used felt that way. The use of color - in your descriptions and in the story layout - worked really well with the story itself and with the love between Soliel and Luna. I think my favorite line was probably the last one - She bathes in the sun's warmth, she is loved. - because I think it perfectly sums up the feeling of this entire story. It just felt warm and cozy.

I haven't finished this yet, but I figured I'd type my comment while I read! In the beginning, I was surprised by how the narration jumps right in. It's third person, but I think I was most surprised by the language of it. Such as "It's the night of the summer solstice and the air is warm." rather than something like "the air is warm on the night of the summer solstice." I don't know why it sticks out to me so much, but it interesting! It gives the story this omniscience, godly feel.

I did notice that there are some grammar issues. A couple of times you use "it's" as possessive when it should be "its." Also, some of your commas are incorrect for speech tags.

Examples of this: "Hello," she smiles, should be: "Hello." She smiles... Since you're not using "she says," you need to use a period instead of a comma and capitalize the next word (she). You do this a couple paragraphs down with "she winks" and a good number of times after that.

There's weird spacing too. I think this was just a copy and paste issue into the Mibba posting box. If you read back through on the layout page, you'll catch it.

You use passive voice here and there. Sometimes it works with the ominiscient feel of the story, but sometimes it gets awkward: A feeling of happiness is washed over the room.. Maybe it would sound more natural as: "a feeling of happiness washes over the room." You have two verbs in your version (is and washed), if you want to convert from passive voice to active, use the second verb.

I think the idea is really brilliant. I like how you never come out and say what's happening, but we can understand through bits and pieces. The end makes this especially clear. You say in your author's note that this is one of your favorite pieces and I can see why. It's really cute.

If you plan on going back through it ever, I would just suggest fixing the grammar so the language carries the same weight as the concept itself. It's really gorgeous, so don't give your readers anything to get stuck on when reading. Simply cleaning it up will help a lot. :)

this was so cute and lovely!!